How can you end my affliction

[ofthursday]

Who: Castiel, Magneto, Chuck, Sam Winchester, maybe others
When: Night of February 8th
Where: HoA, maybe elsewhere
Summary: Castiel and Sam's not-so-secret secret comes out after a massive fight.
Warnings: Blood, violence, horrible decision-making, generally unpleasant subject matter. You're watching Supernatural.

Castiel's landing in the HoA was anything but graceful.

In fact, it really wasn't much of a landing as it was a controlled crash, the angel appearing from nowhere in a sound like shifting cloth and tangled feathers, followed shortly by a thump as he collapsed to the floor of one of the common rooms. He'd made it, just like last time; he was safe here, for now.

He couldn't begin to process trying to figure out what he was going to do, what might happen, how he was going to fix this. He couldn't even think about getting up, just laying in a heap and bleeding onto the carpet from a gash on his temple, half-soaked in water and shivering just slightly while he drifted in and out of consciousness.

Comments

[ofthursday]

Not like this.

[That response is easy and immediate, but describing Sam isn't. It difficult for Castiel to analyze and pick out traits, and he has to really think; he has to compare Sam to others, to remember specific instances. One of those instances he thinks might describe Sam to her better than any particular aspects of him that Castiel might be able to name.]

A week before I came here, I learned something... Upsetting. I became very drunk for the first time, and then Sam needed my assistance with something, and I went to speak with him.

[The conversation is kind of amusing in hindsight now that he can recognize such.]

He was... Extremely patient, even when I was less than kind to him. After a fight with the Whore of Babylon, I was severely injured for a time, and he stayed with me until I recovered.

[Dean had run out on both of them, to go say yes to Michael, and they'd both been distressed and concerned, and yet Sam had still stayed with him and then they'd worked together to find Dean.]

[momchester]

[Mary wipes away a tear - christ, when did she start crying? - and nods in acknowledgment.]

He came for me my first night here. This whole time, he's been the one who was there for me, between Dean, and- and John. [She doesn't even have to explain that one.] The thought that he's been different this whole time... that maybe I don't know him at all.

[Shaking her head.] I guess he hid it pretty well if he fooled even you.

[ofthursday]

Sam has been himself much of the time he has been here, at least essentially, the last month not withstanding.

[There have been times in which his behavior has been erratic, there was the incident in August... But for the most part, Sam had been Sam until New Year's.

He shakes his head just slightly at her last comment.]

I was willfully ignoring the changes.

[Regular Sam would have never refused to cut back the amount. Regular Sam would've noticed how sick Castiel had been getting even before that point.]

[momchester]

Be fair to yourself, Cas. [Looking up to meet his eyes for the first time in a while.] After what you two've been through, most people would do the same in your shoes. We all see what we want to see in the people we care about.

[And damn the truth. It's why her marriage is failing. It's the reason for everything.]

[ofthursday]

[He nods slightly; he knows this. He knows, on some level, that he had been clinging to Sam in place of Dean, because even both times Dean had been here Castiel hadn't had a connection with him. Just Sam.

But still...]

I should have known better.

[It had been his responsibility to control this, and he hadn't.]

[momchester]

Cas, the "shoulds" will kill you.

[While she drowns under them. Hypocrite.]

[ofthursday]

That isn't possible.

['Shoulds' can't kill anyone.]

[momchester]

[Just patting your hand now. Sob, how can you make her smile and be adorable even now.]

It's a figure of speech. It means that thinking about "should" and "could" will just drag you down. You can't torment yourself like that.

[ofthursday]

Oh.

[That makes more sense, at least. He gives a glance toward her hand on his, then back up at her.]

But considering past mistakes is how one learns from them.

[momchester]

You're right. Just be careful not to overdo it. You won't learn anything from trapping yourself in guilt.

[The Winchester pastime.]

[ofthursday]

[He won't learn anything no matter what he does, really, and he shouldn't delude himself.

He tried to shove that thought away, and nods slightly at Mary's words.]

There are more pressing things to focus on.