Alois had said his insides hurt, that he'd rather his heart in a blender. Ciel'd rather his heart cut out and buried in a coffin. Where was Undertaker when you truly needed him?

"Do you realize, have you truly realized, that you are the only reason I bother to try and exist anymore? The purpose I've given myself so I don't drown myself in a bath tub every time I look at myself in the mirror? The reason I drag myself out of bed every morning and try to put on a decent face to everyone around me? That I sit down and do all this god awful boring drudgery called paperwork so you can go spend money on whatever frivolous stuff suits your fancy? So that everyone living under this roof can want for naught? Am I still too stony for your liking?"

His legs feel weak, knees unstable. He wants to fall to the ground and fall through the floor, down and down until he'd be buried below.

"I'm not happy, Alois. I haven't been for years. I want to be, but I don't think I'll ever be allowed to be. The damned aren't allowed such things, so why did I ever convince myself that it was still possible for me, despite everything that has happened?

Why did I think it was possible for someone to love someone like me and nothing else? What sort of delusion have I been entertaining?"

Because he'd never be good enough for it. He'd never be enough for anyone.