sirenspull_logs | And in the dark I can hear your heartbeat, so I tried to find the sound

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And in the dark I can hear your heartbeat, so I tried to find the sound

Who: Nill (

reassures) and Yosuke
When: Tuesday morning
Where: Nill's place
Summary: Yosuke did a stupid thing, and now they need to talk. About how marriage proposals are not fun and games.
Warnings: Damn kids and their stupid teenage dramaz. They usually get all gross and cute too, eurgh! Seriously, you'll roll your eyes, guys.

Also, Yosuke has a mouth on him. And has turned getting his ass kicked into an art form.

The knock at the door doesn't come on the same day they argue. It doesn't come the next day either, or the day after that. It's more than a week of radio silence in between, during which they both hash it out with other people instead of one another. And they both drink about it, in spite of knowing that never helps much of anything.

When Yosuke finally does show, it's the result of a rude awakening. He's bruised and swollen from head to toe, though thankfully his clothes hide most of it. He knows Nill won't be happy about it, but it's the thing that finally pushes him in her direction. It's easy to forget sometimes that there isn't a guarantee you can talk to someone tomorrow. Sometimes you need to be reminded.

Now that he has, he wastes no time. It's early, barely after sirens. He shivers in the morning chill and watches his breath rise and dissipate into the silent morning, and hopes she still keeps his favorite tea around.

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[There's quite a bit of drinking involved. Nill had expected Yosuke to show up at her apartment later the same day. And then, she'd expected him to show up the next day, but when he hadn't she decided enough was enough. This was ridiculous, and they were both handling this whole thing poorly.

By which I mean after a few days of mostly being awake, she pulled a bottle of something strong out of her fridge, and promptly drank herself to sleep.

She'd actually gone out last night, but Yosuke was lucky enough to catch Nill after she came home. It's not a time when she was expecting him to show up, and it shows when she opens the door, because her hair is slightly damp from a shower. When she finally opens the door, she can't help but stare at Yosuke for a minute. What..? How--

It clicks in a second or two, and it shows on her face when it does. The news article. The Funtom worker who was attacked. For a minute a flash of anger flickers across her face, but it's gone as quickly as it had come, and Nill ushers him inside and out of the cold.]

[He follows Nill in a bit uneasily, and kicks off his shoes inside the door. They're getting holes in them, and the material on the sides is too thin. They rub a little, too. It's time for a new pair. Without parents around to ask or a dependable income, he's let them go for too long. Lately, he lets most things go for too long.

He's still stiff and sore from the other day, so his gait is uneven and awkward as he joins her. It's a stark contrast to his usual quick and animated movements. But it's all just surface damage. Some deep bruising and shifted ribs were the worst of it. His nose is broken, but that's the third time in 2 years. He's given up caring what it does to his face. Overall, he's basically alright. The only thing they wanted to keep an eye on at the hospital were his kidneys, and as far as he can tell those are still doing their thing.

In the kitchen he glances at his usual seat, but doesn't move to take it. Instead, he puts a hand on Nill's arm and tries to think of what to say in his own defense. It's hardly the first time he's showed up at her door looking banged up like this, but he knows it always upsets her. And there's already so much she's upset with him about.]

I didn't start it. I promise. And...I would have waited to come see you, but...I'm already late. I didn't want you to get the wrong idea.

[She makes a note to send Yosuke home - whenever he leaves - with money for a new pair. She has more money than she knows what to do with, and she's starting to care less and less about keeping it a secret from him. Especially when this place has basically gone to hell.

The doors are locked once Yosuke is inside, probably with one more lock than is really needed, and the chain pulled. That's nothing new, though. The inside of the apartment is sparsely furnished and a little empty looking. None of it is from when she lived in Shika's home, which is obvious at a glance. But Nill bought a new electric kettle that doesn't beep or whistle, and her fridge is relatively well stocked, even if she doesn't cook as much as she used to.]

You're very late.

[It comes out more quietly than her 'voice' usually is, because she had gotten the wrong idea. She'd thought they were going to talk after he was done seeing Eponine. Then, after that day had gone by, and the next, and the next... She didn't really know what to think, but it had been the wrong way to think, for certain.]

how bad is it?

It doesn't even hurt.

[Okay, so it does. But not enough to steal the focus from what matters at the moment. He has to make sure they're alright again. Nill's always been able to see inside his head so well that he never expected to be able to surprise her. Unfortunately, the opposite isn't true. She lies to him all of the time, that much he can tell. But what it is she really thinks? It's always a mystery until he catches her with her guard down. And then it always comes out in a flood, and they have to fight about it.

But that's good. Because at least when they're fighting, they talk about it. This time? This silence. It's been killing him. And it sounds as if Nill feels the same. Though he needs to stop assuming that, he reminds himself. From now on, he'll have to push her more. He'll have to ask. It might annoy her, hell it probably will, but only a little. Only just enough to keep the fight in them both. Nothing like this, all quiet misery and mourning and white flags.]

I had to think. Not...I mean, not about...I just...

[He sighs. Mother of god that's unpleasant. Expanding and contracting his ribs that quickly and deeply is brutal. But it's a reflex, and all he can do about it is bite his tongue sharply until the gritty shrapnel feeling between his ribs eases off. It only takes a moment.]

I don't understand. I guess it's obvious. But I didn't mean to upset you. I hope you know that too.

[She doesn't believe that, and doesn't even try to hide her disbelief. She knows better than to believe he isn't in pain when he's beat up this much.

She's about to tell him as much, but then... He knows she lies. The fact that he worked it out surprised her enough that she doesn't think to say anything else. He knows it so well that he has her lying down to a science, somehow, and the fact startles her. Was she that obvious? Or did he just know her that well by now..?

If the silence was killing him though, then he should have come sooner. He shouldn't have waited a week when she was the one that needed to think. And he's going to ask her things? Now? ...she had no idea what to expect from this.]

I know you didn't. You were trying to do something to make me happy.

[Kind of.]

Right. Um. So, I won't do that again. Or any...you know. I promise. What do you say? Forgive and forget? I brought you an pan.

[He doesn't go to the effort to take it out of his bag yet, though. The less movement the better, so he'll make sure she's ready to accept it first. If they still need to argue about it, he can always pull it out later for when they make up.]

I'm not angry with you. You know that, right?

[It's certainly not a rejection. Nill takes a step forward, reaching to take the bag, though. She agrees that he should be doing as little moving as possible. She can do as much as pull something out of his bag.]

I just-- think you underestimate how different our lives have been.

I don't mean for that to be a bad thing. But up until now, no one I've known would have thought a public proposal was a good idea.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I just want you to understand why it surprised me as much as it did.

[He doesn't object to Nill taking his bag. It's nice to have it off his shoulder anyway. He eyes her while she does, quiet and thoughtful for a long moment.]

You've never told me anything about it. I...I didn't know.

[Here he moves automatically to scrub at his face, but stops halfway with a surprised hiss. Ow. Shit. That was stupid. But he can't let it ruin his train of thought.]

I want to understand, you know? I promise. But-but I'll need your help. Whatever you say, it's just between us. I'll never tell anyone. I swear on my life. And...we can trade. I'll tell you my stories too. Even the worst ones. Like-

[His eyes focus on the ceiling for a moment, as he concentrates. The first thing that comes to mind makes him physically cringe, but he promised. And anyway, it won't even hold a candle to Nill's stories. So he takes a deep breath -ow!- and spills it.]

Once in primary these big kids stuffed me in the toy box. They locked it and shook it back and forth and made a song about me. It wasn't a nice song, but it doesn't translate too well.

I...ugh. I couldn't even call for help. I just tried to hold the sides so I wouldn't fall over. I don't even know why I thought it was important not to fall, but I remember trying with all my strength. It felt like the only thing I could do.

But I had to go to the bathroom, and I didn't mean to but I let go, and then I fell over, and I started to cry. The big kids went away then. They must have heard the teacher coming, I guess. Only, when she opened the box it was too late. My pants were wet, and the whole playground saw it. They called me Shishimura for weeks.

[She opens the bag, and pulls the an pan out, but she doesn't really move to do much else than look at it.

...Dave was right, wasn't he? The extent to which she kept Yosuke in the dark was cruel. And while she didn't necessarily think the way she'd done things up until now was wrong, it didn't make for a good relationship. At the same time, though, Nill isn't even sure if a relationship is the kind of thing she can offer Yosuke. Is it really a relationship if he's constantly tiptoeing around her for fear of scaring her?

But now Yosuke is telling her a story, and yes, it's awful. It's something that never should have happened to him. But her stories are different, and she has no idea what to begin telling him.]

I lived with a man named Bishop for a little while in my world. He lived and worked in a church, that rarely had many people visit, and he was blind. We couldn't really communicate, but he talked to me often, and I listened to him. I was taken to live there by a man named Heine, and another named Badou.

Heine and Badou had questionable jobs. Badou took pictures for money, and Heine killed people. Sometimes Badou killed people, too. But they had the kinds of jobs where having loved ones meant they would be put in danger. People showed up at the church to kidnap me more than once because they thought Heine would care enough about me to be hurt if I was taken, though they never succeeded.

[After a moment of silence, Nill steps further inside the apartment, into the kitchen. It's a much smaller place than the last home she lived in, but the layout isn't too different. Kitchen near the entrance, living room, then bedroom off to the side. Small as it is, it's more room than she actually needs.

Nill sets the an pan aside, and then looks back to Yosuke.]

I lived in the church for one year - between the ages fourteen and fifteen. They and Naoto were the only people I really knew in my world until Heine introduced me to more people. They were some of the only friends I ever had.

Before that, for as long as I can remember, I was a slave.

[Yosuke smiles slightly at the idea of a blind man and a mute girl co-existing. And Badou...he knows that name. It's a little hazy now, but he remembers meeting that man once or twice. Still, he's not about to interrupt. He's been hoping she'd open up to him for a long time now. In fact, he does his best not to react at all until she gets to the last part.

Kidnappings are bad, but he can relate to those. It's the slavery that makes him blanch. He gets the underlying meaning there. And there's something terrible about the fact that there's no way to make the past better. All he can do is reach for her hand and give it a gentle squeeze, so she knows he's listening.

For once, it's her conversation to carry.]

Edited 2013-03-25 02:50 (UTC)

[She knows he's trying to be supportive, but she doesn't really know how to accept his report as it is right now. She glances down at their hands, and curls her fingers around his, but otherwise does nothing.

She's silent for a moment. Almost expecting him to say something, because he'd said they would trade stories, but he says nothing. It was a nice sentiment, but she knows he just wants to hear her story.

Except, it isn't a story he really wants to hear. It isn't a story that anyone wants to hear.]

That's it. That was my life in that world. It's very likely that my mother was a slave as well, but I don't know. I don't remember. My father...

[She doesn't say as much, but it's obvious in her expression. She doesn't want to think about the man that fathered her. She barely wants to think about the woman who gave birth to her most of the time.]

That is what should be "real" in my life.

[Crap. He did the wrong thing. She's going quiet again. But she's holding his hand back, which is nice. It makes his heart give a little leap. The story fragment that follows, though, makes it sink again.

His parents had always been a bit stern with him. His father, to toughen him up. His mother, to shame him into better behavior. But they hadn't been bad. They'd raised him, and given him a job so he could buy the things he wanted that they didn't want to pay for. They'd let him stay in school, argued with him about grades to try and convince him to do better and make a future for himself...parent things.

So to hear Nill's hesitance to speak about her own parents, who had brought her into such an unhappy life and failed to help her out of it,, it was unpleasant.

He knew how it felt not to have any friends, but what would it be like to not even have parents? Was there really no one who had cared for her until she was in her teens?]

And I thought it was bad that time my mom made me read all the titles from the dirty movies to my grandmother...

[It's supposed to be funny, lighten the mood. But the memory still makes him sweat a but, and it falls flat. The two things are nothing alike. It's hard to ask-hard to encourage her to tell him, but he has to. These are fundamental, important things. It's painful to hear, but he wants to hear it. And maybe Nill needs to tell someone, too. She probably hasn't in a long time.]

What did he do to you?

Nothing.

[It's said plainly and quickly, because it's true.]

I have no memory of ever knowing my mother, and if I ever met my father, then I'm glad I don't remember it.

[It seems like he's going to make her say it though, because the idea doesn't seem like it's sunk in for him just yet.]

I don't want to know the kind of man he might have been, or what he may have done to my mother.

Oh.

[It's soft, and surprised. He knows that Nill's life was nothing like his, but somehow the extent of it is jarring. Maybe because of things he'd never even consider. All in all, he's never had a damned thing to complain about until last year. For Nill, maybe there wasn't anything good until recently.]

Sorry. I should've guessed that. I...I'm listening. I promise. It's just a little hard to understand.

[And then, after a moment of consideration.]

You can share mine when we get back. He seems gruff at first, but I know he'd like you. He always wanted a girl.

It's fine. I know it's difficult for you to understand.

[It's probably pretty far outside his scope of understanding. If she'd told him this when they first met, and he was fresh out of Inaba, he probably wouldn't even believe her.]

...That sounds nice. But...

[She looks up at Yosuke, and then takes a seat at the kitchen table, because standing adds an extra level of exhaustion to this whole thing.]

I never really wanted parents. I didn't find out until a long time later what having parents really meant, and even now... It sounds very strange.

After I met Heine and Badou, I didn't really want anything. I was so happy just having people who were looking out for me. People that came back. Even if they were often hurt, I was happy there.

It didn't matter how happy I was, though. One day I woke up in a different world, and I never saw most of the people from the church again.

You were happy there?

[That's a surprise. He considers it for a moment.]

Do you think you'd be happier there than in Japan? I mean...I know it's a dream now but if it happens-I don't want you to have that fight with him again. Or. Me. You know what I mean. Shouldn't we decide?

[Oh, is it his turn again? Hm. He could tell her how it feels to think you have friends and realize you don't after all, but she probably knows that. He's pretty sure he thought about it around her when Souji was too busy for him before. It'll have to be something else embarrassing from his childhood.]

I threw up all over a national landmark once when my father brought us on a business trip. He was so angry! But we went to this fancy lunch before it and ate something I didn't like. I wanted to tell them I didn't feel like climbing all those stairs, but all day when I said anything I got shushed, do I tried to hold it in. But I only made it halfway up. We had to pay a tribute fine and clean his boss's shoes. I don't think he spoke to me again for a month!

Of course I was. It was the only good thing that had ever happened to me.

[Nill remains quiet, debating, while Yosuke divulges his secrets to her. It's an interesting story, but it's difficult to appreciate it when thoughts of her own world swim in her head.]

I was happy in the church, but I don't ever want to go back to that world.

When Shika, Naruto, senpai and I left the city we were all trapped in, we were trying to go to Naruto and Shika's world. Konoha. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

But instead, one by one, we were all brought here. Things were okay for a little while. But one day Souji appeared here, and Yos-- senpai decided he needed to go back to Inaba. He never thought about staying here or going to Konoha again.

[Nill glances down at her hands, unable to meet Yosuke's gaze.]

I hated Souji more than anything because senpai chose him over us.

[She threads her fingers together on her lap.]

I don't really care where I go. But I don't know if I would fit in well in a place like Inaba.

[Crap, he keeps missing cues. But he listens to all of that this time, and thinks about it before he replies.]

He had a duty there. And...maybe he didn't want to go to war. I'm not sure.

[Sigh.]

I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to go to Inaba. There's not much there. But...Souji...well. A guy like that? He won't stick around. I mean, you can see for yourself he's not the type. He's got other things to do.

[It's hard, though. Imagining all of this, it's hard. He can understand needing to go find the killer, sure. But choosing Souji over Nill? It doesn't make sense. Souji seems like a nice guy, and really cool, but-

But Nill loves him. And he's sure that Souji never could care about him. The guy is too cool. If Yosuke hadn't crashed -literally- into the secret, Souji never would have picked him to tell. The dude hasn't even noticed him going missing for two months. There's no way he could even compete.]

What about Tokyo? It's better. And if we lived near Harajuku, no one would even notice them.

We were done thinking about going to Konoha then. Naruto still wanted to go back, but Shika wanted to go to California. The only thing we wanted was to live and be happy.

[Her wings fold in against her back, slowly but tightly.]

He had a duty to us. We were his family. We loved him more.

[There's a surprising amount of bitterness in the way the words feel, they way they sound, like an infected wound that no matter how frequently drained just keeps coming back. There's some degree of sadness there too, and though maybe one day the wound will scab over and scar, the mark from it would always be there.]

Even though they're all gone now, I still just want to live and to be happy. If that's possible in Harajuku, then that's fine.

I don't mean anything about love. That guy...I can tell you this, no one ever loved him. So you don't have to say more. There isn't any contest.

[He shifts uneasily at this admission, and automatically reaches for the comfort that is running his fingers over Nill's feathers. He stops himself short, though, and slowly takes his arm back. Something in his chest gives a pained squirm at the moment of disconnect.]

We can go anywhere you want. If you say Bali, then I'll build you a grass hut on the beach. How's that? Japan is all I know, but there's no one who needs me there. My parents...I guess they'll have each other. I'd miss them, maybe. But I know how to get along by myself now. And...and you could help me too. We could help each other, right?

Edited 2013-04-01 23:51 (UTC)

[She doesn't say anything else on the matter of the Yosuke that she knew before this one, or Naruto and Shika and the family of four they had all made, because there was nothing left to say. There wasn't much else that Yosuke didn't know about them. Nothing that seemed important right now, anyway.

Nill is silent for a moment, before she reaches over to take Yosuke's hand in hers. This much, at least, she likes. She's comfortable with it, could do it any time. It's the one thing she doesn't need to steel herself for; the only thing she can really give.]

If you want to go to Inaba, I couldn't ask you to go anywhere else. I would still go with you.

But-- yes. We could, and we will.

Edited 2013-04-05 12:21 (UTC)

You can ask me anything. Just so you know.

[Does she not understand yet? Maybe that's better. She might not like it. He doesn't want to freak her out, anyway.

Her hand feels nice in his. It always does. His chest feels warm and full of that really nice feeling suddenly. Such a small gesture, but it's huge. The tension and anxiety and regret melt away. Gently, he gives her hand a squeeze back. She doesn't know how happy she just made him by saying that.]

We can watch the stars every night, you know? And in the morning I'll cook you eggs. You'll have to do dinner though, that's still all I know how to make.

[She actually cracks a small smile at that.]

I do know. It doesn't mean I will.

[It's probably not a good thing, that Nill understands unquestionable devotion better than she does the concept of marriage. The thought doesn't even cross her mind to be worried by it.]

That sounds like a great life.

[God. It's everything she ever wanted. Maybe not the romance, but just... living. It was all she ever wanted.]

Okay.

[It's more than he's ever dared to actually hope for. If she doesn't love him how he loves her...well, it's fine. She still loves him in her own way. It's all anyone can rightly ask for, and more than anyone deserves. It's basically perfect. He's so relieved he almost forgets to breathe for a moment.]

Good. Okay.

[He reaches out, slowly. He understands now, the panic that comes of being surprised. Slowly, gently, the brush of a palm up from her hand to her arm to her shoulder, and steps in, leaving the other hand grasped in hers. A hug, nearly. In his heart it's bigger and tighter and passionate. But in reality, it's gentle and loose and designed not to upset her. She's delicate, maybe, but strong too. The most beautiful thing he's ever seen. The only person he's ever felt so strongly for. For Nill, he can handle whatever it takes.]

You'll always have me. I promise.

[Nill isn't sure there is a difference. She's almost certain that this is the kind of feeling when you love someone that you would do anything for.

...Except, maybe that's the big difference. Maybe loving someone means being able to tell them the truth. Maybe it means no secrets or lies, and being able to give them the things they want, no matter how much it scares you. Maybe love is all of those things, and Nill just isn't capable of them.

But that's okay. Because even if it isn't the same, she does love Yosuke, and Yosuke, stupid as he is, loves her. Somehow he thinks she's beautiful. She wraps her free arm around him, so endlessly grateful.]

You'll always have me, too.

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And in the dark I can hear your heartbeat, so I tried to find the sound

okay I'm giving you action spam because somehow that's easier even though there's no real difference

Extra html you jerk!

wow rude, butting in like that >|

I'll butt in you

kyaa

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