Thunder rumbling, castles crumbling, I am trying to hold on

[showbizpanache]

Who: The Klaine in Spain stays mainly in the plain
When: Early Tuesday morning.
Where: Their little section of the apartment.
Summary: Blaine's been watching Kurt try to fix things for everyone else, and realizes Kurt hasn't been fixing himself.
Warnings: Mentions of eating disorder-ish behavior, panic/anxiety and gross Newcomer Hunt things.



Kurt barely had any concept of time anymore. Without a second's chance to look at the clock, he told time by events in his day--waking up at the crack of dawn to work at the garage, ripping off his coveralls to go straight to the Community Center for his shift, then heading straight to Felton for rehearsal... His world buzzed with appointments and meetings and obligations, and all the while he fought with any lingering energy he had left to get justice for those hunted just weeks ago--struggling to communicate via the NV, planning fundraisers, fighting with the press...

It was easy enough to shelve his stress and anxiety--keeping busy was what kept him going, after all. Despite this, nothing had changed.

He was still waking up in the middle of the night, still piling on layer after layer despite the growing summer heat, still running to the bathroom in the middle of his work day to throw up. Food had become something heavy weighing him down, making him sick, and he never felt hungry anymore--or maybe he did, and his nerves were stretched too thin to notice. Regardless, skipping meals was easy; he barely had time to eat anyway. Instead he filled his belly with coffee, pumping his veins with energy to get through each day.

He could hide it, hide it all and press on, because none of this was about him. He loved the spotlight when he was on stage, but in life he wanted nothing to do with it. It was better to be a force of energy, to act act act, and never slow down enough to examine what was wrong with himself. It was easy enough. No one had been asking him any questions.

Except for Blaine.

Just like the day before, Kurt had ripped a bagel in half and threw one part away, making it look as though he'd eaten it. Sitting at the table, he ran over his schedule, not looking up when he heard Blaine enter the kitchen.

"Good morning," he said softly.

Comments

[mediumdrip]

"You're losing weight, Kurt. And you don't have it to spare." Blaine looked at Kurt and leaned forward a bit. His brow was raised as he looked at his boyfriend earnestly. "I know you've been hurt, but that doesn't mean you should give up."

[showbizpanache]

"Give up?" Kurt repeated, the smile disappearing from his face. "I'm not-- I'm fighting this harder than anyone, Blaine!"

His heart sped up and his fingers curled on the table, tightening.

[mediumdrip]

Blaine backpedals a bit and holds up his hands just enough to show Kurt that he's giving into that point. "Oh, I know," he said. "I know you are. You're so strong and you've survived so much but I think you focus so much on surviving that you forget to take care of yourself."

[showbizpanache]

Kurt's anger fizzled out and he sat back in his chair, his lips drawn tightly together. He seemed to have gathered all his emotions and raked them tightly inside.

"So you think I'm starving myself?" he said carefully, his eyes unblinking.

[mediumdrip]

"I think you're not eating as well as you should," Blaine said, trying to be diplomatic.

[showbizpanache]

There was a long pause, and Kurt sighed. Blaine's concern for him wrapped warmly around his heart, and he felt his stomach slightly relax.

"Get a plate," he said softly. "I'll share this bagel with you."

[mediumdrip]

Blaine tucked his lips together, stopping himself from mentioning the other half in the trash. Instead, he got up and got a plate.

[showbizpanache]

Kurt tore the half-bagel and handed one part to Blaine. He made sure his boyfriend was watching as he took a bite of his own, and slowly began chewing it.

[mediumdrip]

Blaine took the bagel and watched Kurt with one hand under his chin. "I'm sorry," he said gently. "If you feel like I've put you on the spot. I just want to make sure you're okay."

[showbizpanache]

"I know," said Kurt softly after he finished the bite and swallowed it. It felt heavy on the way down, as if it had landed in his stomach with a thud.

"I'm not starving myself," he said honestly. "I just... I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me."

[mediumdrip]

"Well, what are you going through? Talk to me. Maybe we can figure it out."

[showbizpanache]

Kurt was quiet for a few moments, thinking of where to start. All the events within the last year had congealed into something that was just Siren's Port, just a cluster of events that seemed so separate from the rest of his life.

He tried to remember, though, tried to make connections where he could. "Do you remember my junior year? When I was--when the bullying was at its worst?"

[mediumdrip]

Blaine nodded. "Of course I do. That's when we met.." Blaine had been the one to push Kurt to confront Dave though, and the kiss that had resulted had been what had lead to the worst of the bullying.

[showbizpanache]

He'd long forgotten about that. His fingers knotted on the table before him, twisting around one another.

"Something would always happen in the cafeteria," he continued. "Everyone all gathered together like that... And during the worst of it, I just couldn't get anything down. My stomach would clench up, and then I realized after a while that I didn't really want to eat anyway. If I controlled that part of myself, I stopped feeling so helpless."

Kurt was sure Blaine had noticed it-- How thin he'd been when they first met, how he'd cover himself in thick layers day after day as if trying to hide himself as much as possible. Blaine also knew that things changed when they became two halves of a whole, a relationship-- Kurt had shed some of his layers, both literally and figuratively, had filled out to a normal weight, and had a healthy appetite for cheesecake.

But that had been then, and Siren's Port was now-- That ugly cluster of things that messed up every pattern, turned progress upside down and flipped time onto itself.

[mediumdrip]

"Kurt," Blaine said and reached out to take Kurt's hand. "I'm so sorry any of that happened to you. I'm sorry that those people went out of their way to make you miserable and I'm sorry that it's happening here too. I hate that you've suffered and that you're still suffering. I just want you to know that I'm here, okay? I'm here and I'm not mad or judging you or anything else." He looked up seriously at his boyfriend, showing just how true his words were.

"However, I am still going to try to take care of you. I love you more than anything else in this or any other world. We'll look out for each other, okay?"

[showbizpanache]

"I know," said Kurt, squeezing Blaine's hand gratefully. Blaine's words made his heart hurt in a wonderful way, a way that reminded him that he was alive like nothing else could.

"I don't know how to fix this, though," he added softly. "I'm sorry."

[mediumdrip]

"We'll figure this out together," Blaine said. "For now, I need you to try and eat as much as you can manage. You need all of the strength you can get."

[showbizpanache]

Kurt nodded, silent. Biting his lip, he let go of Blaine's hand and tore off another piece of bagel, raising it to his lips. He placed it in his mouth and chewed slowly.

[mediumdrip]

Blaine watched and bit into his own piece of bagel.

[showbizpanache]

"Please don't watch me," Kurt asked softly, looking vulnerable as he slowly removed another piece.

[mediumdrip]

Blaine nodded and got up to refill his glass. "How late are you going to be out today?" Small talk seemed like a good way to distract Kurt.

[showbizpanache]

"Well I don't have rehearsal today," he replied, setting down his piece of bagel. "So I'll probably be at the Center all day. I shouldn't be back too late, though."

He offered a little smile. "Why, do you have plans?"

[mediumdrip]

"I plan on sleeping, does that count?" Blaine asked as he picked at the bagel that he was eating.

[showbizpanache]

Kurt giggled. "I like that plan. I miss sleeping."

[mediumdrip]

"Play hookey and sleep with me then," Blaine suggested, though he knew that Kurt wasn't going to flake out on his obligations.