do or die, you'll never make me

[dawnward]

Who: Riku and Axel.
When: A little after this which is a short time after those other two spoiler logs.
Where: Axel and Demyx's apartment.
Summary: Riku needs a night to gather himself after a particularly sour altercation. Axel figures out what he's hiding.
Warnings: Talk of violence, blood, and some spoilers for KH3D are imminent eventually.



Half an hour. He had half an hour to get to Axel's apartment without the use of Corridors, without falling flat on his face, or being eaten by monsters. No problem.

Except Riku was exhausted, emotionally and physically, and he needed to go somewhere where he could rest up and recuperate. He could feel his wounds standing out, the ones Aslan couldn't fully get to, and every movement he made tugged at the scar that had been burned onto his back, stretching from shoulder to hip. Every step was painful and tiring on its own, making him wish he had the gall to use a Corridor and stomp on every fear he carried with him. But if Xehanort made a move, it would be then, and he didn't trust himself to be safe with how little energy he had.

No, he'd much prefer to keep walking. Anything would be better than facing down the old master again.

He was at Axel's flat in twenty-eight minutes, sore and tired, but alive. And that was all he could be grateful for. He didn't bother to knock, vainly hoping Axel would hear him come in and just let him be alone. It would be nice if he was asleep, actually, but Riku would never be that lucky. Instead, he took his chances and opened the door softly, slipping inside and tugging it closed as quietly as he could.

Comments

[got_it_memorized]

Axel was a fair bit more considerate than people usually gave him credit for, but Riku wasn't getting off that easy. When the younger man came slinking into the apartment, Axel had been planning to meet him with a snide remark about biting off more than he could chew and here he'd thought he was strong enough to handle a few darkness monsters and gosh Riku, aren't you supposed to be a big kid now? But the state of him stopped Axel's harassment in its tracks and the jibes died on his tongue, leaving him sitting on the couch a bit dumbstruck, a tangle of twine around his fingers where he'd been doing Jacob's Ladder to pass the time.

He was on his feet in an instant then, flinging the string away and moving to Riku's side, not touching him but closing the door softly behind him and staying within arm's reach in case he collapsed or something. Because he sure looked well on his way.

"Light, kid, what in the Underworld happened?"

This wasn't the work of any darkness monster. At least... not the kind the Port might have expected. Riku had a lingering scent of darkness around him, but that was old news. Tonight he just reeked of it, though, like someone had just upended the whole bottle on his head. There weren't many people Axel knew of who could wield darkness in that amount and potency, quickly narrowing down the list of suspects that could have done this, but Axel couldn't quite imagine why someone as sensible as Riku would have gone knocking on those doors. Maybe Riku and Axel hadn't always seen eye to eye, but Axel hadn't forgotten what Riku had done for Naminé and, in turn, for him. Axel didn't forget debts any more than he broke promises.

"Forget the blood, go siddown before you pass out," he said, waving a hand at the couch. "Sheesh, if you'd said you were this much of a wreck I would have come and picked you up, PJs be damned."

[dawnward]

No, he wouldn't be that lucky. He saw Axel the moment he opened the door and he tried desperately not to hunch his shoulders in embarrassment. He'd felt enough shame for the past several hours to last him a good half a year, and being in such a state in front of someone he considered an ally, a comrade, and even a friend only made him feel worse. He thanked the Light that his scar was hidden enough for the moment not to call Axel's immediate attention to it. He needed to pull himself together before he was ready to explain it.

"It's dried anyway," he muttered, waving a hand. "I'm fine."

He most assuredly was not fine and he knew it, which was why he made his way to the couch anyway after slipping out of his dirty shoes at the door. There were grass stains on the bottoms of his jeans, his hands red from old burns that were still smarting, but healed. They would go away, thankfully, as would most of his cuts and bruises. He just needed a while before he had the energy to cast Cure on himself. A night's rest would work wonders for that.

[got_it_memorized]

"Don't lie."

He wasn't the only one who knew he wasn't fine, though Axel couldn't really make any more specific diagnosis than that. His voice was light, more teasing than indictment, but he wasn't about to just pretend nothing was wrong. This wasn't just the average run-of-the-mill darkness monster injury, and if Riku thought he was getting away with acting like nothing had happened he had another thing coming.

Axel waved a hand and sent a Cure spell Riku's way, then gave him a slightly abashed look.

"My handle on restorative magic is slippery at best," he said by way of apology, "but bandaids are better'n nothing. Sorry, 'fraid I'm kind of a lousy nurse. You want some water or something?"

He wasn't going to grill him just yet--he hoped maybe Riku would just tell him what happened, but he wasn't counting on it. Obviously the kid trusted him, if he came here in this state, and something in Axel was flattered they had come so far, but if he knew Riku at all he knew he was probably the more stubborn of the two of them. Axel was usually stubborn for the sake of stubbornness (and sometimes for the sake of stupidity). Riku was stubborn for the sake of his pride and that was a whole other ballgame.

[dawnward]

"I'm not lying," he shot back, aggravated. "I'm not dead." And considering what he'd gone through that night, that was saying something.

The Cure spell did wonders, at least. The bruising disappeared, many of the cuts he still had faded, and he looked a little less pale. Riku shoved a hand through his hair, messy and frayed. His fingers didn't hurt so much any longer and he offered an honest look of gratitude over at Axel. "It's..." He shook his head. "Thanks. It worked just fine." Axel might not have been the best of healers, but it still helped, and it was more than he was willing to ask for.

Riku hesitantly nodded. "Water'd be fine," he said, and left it at that. He wracked his brain for what he could say to Axel, anything he felt comfortable enough speaking about. The scar on his back ached, reminding him of the fight earlier that evening. He wouldn't be doing Axel any favors by withholding information. He sighed and set his forehead in his hand for a moment while he waited for Axel to return with his drink.

He'd tell him what he could, he decided, and only what was necessary. He didn't want Axel running off into the night like an idiot...but he wouldn't blame him if he went to check on Roxas and the others.

[got_it_memorized]

Axel snorted a laugh, but there was nothing derisive or malicious in it.

"There's more than two options, you know," he said mildly; "it's a bit of a spectrum. You don't have to be 'fine' just because you're not 'dead'." And then he just shook his head when Riku thanked him. Axel might not have been a textbook philanthropist, but when someone came to him with a genuine need for help he tended to give it where he could. It didn't happen often (he just didn't really give off the Good Samaritan vibe, it seemed), but he did endeavor to do what he could when a comrade really needed it. And from the look of him, Riku had needed it like air.

He wordlessly moved to the kitchen and grabbed a glass from the cupboard, twisting the faucet on and filling it before returning to the main room. He wordlessly handed Riku the glass and then sat on the far end of the couch, propping his feet up on the table. He didn't say anything, didn't ask, didn't demand answers... Axel knew how to read his company well enough to know how to interrogate them, and he knew Riku wouldn't spill under pressure.

Axel would wait, and figured eventually Riku would feel obligated to give him something.

[dawnward]

Not in this case.

But he kept that to himself, mostly because Axel was right and he was just being pigheaded and stubborn. He'd had enough of feeling like a failure for the evening, no matter what Aslan had told him. It just balled into a knot in his stomach, making him regret ever running. At least, if he had died, it would have been for a noble cause. Logic took over, told him that was an even more pigheaded idea than just being a stubborn idiot, and he sighed.

He took the water and had a few long sips to coat his dry throat and he set the glass on the table after Axel set his feet there. He knew Axel was waiting, knew he could just as easily outlast Riku at a time like this. Grumbling about it wouldn't help. He lifted a hand and gingerly touched the back of his own shoulder with it, running a finger over the misshapen line beneath the fabric of his vest. "Master Xehanort is alive and has been in the city for some time," he began, because that was probably the easiest place to start. "We fought because I tried to kill Xigbar and Xemnas."

[got_it_memorized]

Forbearance was a virtue Axel had never had in spades, but he knew when to quash his impatience. His hands threaded behind his head, he didn't stare, figuring Riku was already uncomfortable enough, but when the boy finally spoke Axel's gaze shifted. And when the words registered, Axel gave a visible start.

"You wha?" He shook his head, taking a moment to collect his momentarily scattered poise, then steepled his fingers. "Okay, as much as I can appreciate the sentiment behind attempting to assassinate Xemnas and Xigbar, that was kind of a supremely idiotic thing to attempt alone." He paused, then added, "No offense."

Then he furrowed his brow as the rest of the explanation sank in. Why did that name sound so familiar...?

"You... kinda lost me at the Master Xehanort bit, though," he said, shaking his head. "The name rings a bit of a bell, but..."

He was sure he'd heard it somewhere, but he just couldn't quite put a finger on it, and now it was going to bother him until he figured it out.

[dawnward]

He rolled his eyes. As if Axel hadn't gone after enough people. Hadn't he been the one to, eventually, confront Marluxia? And he killed Vexen too. He had no room to talk. He kept that to himself, a faint smile playing on his lips.

But he turned his gaze on the Nobody and raised an eyebrow. "You don't know about Master Xehanort?" Odd. He figured Roxas would have told him. "He's...the original Xehanort. He's an old man. He did something to Terra and the other two Keybearers here, Ven and Aqua. I'm not sure what." He could tell by the gold eyes that he'd done something truly horrible to Terra. He even possessed his body over a year ago. But that was Terra's story to tell, not his. "He tried to plunge the Port into Darkness last summer. He's a Keybearer too." How, he didn't know. That didn't make much sense.

"He tried to hurt all of us. He's in liege with Vanitas and Xehanort's Heartless was helping him, I think." He frowned. "It doesn't matter, I guess. He's the worst there is."

[got_it_memorized]

Hey, now, Sora had already mostly taken care of Vexen, and Marluxia... Well, fine, Axel would have gone after Marluxia alone if Sora hadn't gotten in the way. But Sora had had Donald and Goofy, and Axel wasn't seventeen. Riku might not have been as bitty as the others, but something about him facing down Xigbar alone just didn't sit right. But it wasn't a subject he was inclined to press: what was done was done and Riku was safe for now, so harping on it wouldn't change anything.

Axel glanced at Riku as the boy spoke, then leaned back with a hand on his chin in thought. Xehanort was a name he knew, even if only vaguely. So far as he knew he was Xemnas' Other, but the 'master' part wasn't something he'd heard about in the Organization. So why did it sound familiar...?

"Ah!" He slapped his palm with his fist as a puzzle piece fell back into place. "No, yeah, Sora told me about him! Like the day I got here... He said you guys had taken care of him and the Seeker of Darkness had vanished too, so I guess I just sort of filed it away under Not Relevant Anymore..." He blew out a sigh and raked a hand back through his hair. "I keep forgetting that time doesn't play by the rules around here."

Wait. Last summer...?

'The guy who was behind it—- He's finished; it's a long story, but we took care of him. It doesn't matter. I was okay, but you weren't.'

Something fell into place then, echoes of a conversation he'd had the first day he'd arrived here in Port. He hadn't been able to connect the dots then, but now, looking at them more objectively from a higher vantage point... Was that what Roxas had been talking about? He turned his gaze back to Riku then, something fierce and curious in his eyes.

"Last summer. The summer... before I got here," he said, pressing a few more puzzle pieces together in his head. "Roxas mentioned something had happened, but he didn't want to talk about it. He seemed really nervous, he absolutely didn't want to give me any details." He hesitated, then shifted to plant his feet back on the floor, leaning forward. "Riku, what did he do?"

And what would happen if he tried to do it again?

[dawnward]

"About a month before you arrived, yeah," Riku confirmed. At least Sora had said something. But Roxas hadn't and that concerned him, though he didn't make that thought process known. What Roxas and Axel spoke of was between them and no one else. But as Axel began to work through what he'd heard, the pieces clicking into place, Riku realized that it was probably a bad idea that Roxas had kept him in the dark this time.

He shook his head. "He took people's hearts and experimented with them. It got to the point that we were hunting but couldn't find him. He'd slipped away. He locked Sora and Roxas in...in something and we were stuck trying to figure out how to fix it." Riku and Aqua had taken charge then, trying to stop them. "The Heartless took over Xion's body. Master Xehanort took Terra's. It was--"

It was hard to think about, even now. He had failed then too. And they'd sat around, twiddling their thumbs, when they should have acted. But the Heartless became their open enemy, Master Xehanort was defeated, and Xemnas had proven himself capable of being any ally. "Xemnas fought the Heartless. It was one of the reasons why we kept the truce. He had a stake in this world and there was no reason for him to let it go." Of course...now it all just seemed like a fluke. Maybe it had been orchestrated all along. Maybe Xehanort had been too hasty last time.

"Everyone was all right afterward. It took a while for everyone to come back together, but we did."

[got_it_memorized]

Axel felt as though something were slowly squeezing his throat closed as Riku continued. He had taken people's hearts, locked Sora and Roxas in something, body snatching? Roxas had said that something had happened to him, something that had scared him badly enough to adamantly not want to talk about it. He didn't realize his hand had swum to the front of his shirt, fingers tangling in the fabric, until Riku's voice fell away to silence and the words all had a moment to sink in.

One thing was ringing clearly in his head now, and he met Riku's eye again, frowning.

"I was here, though," he said, "wasn't I." It wasn't really a question. "I was here before now, before this time, and I don't remember." And for him of all people to not remember... he found it horrifying. What had Master Xehanort done to Roxas? What had he then done in return trying to save him? Had whatever happened to him then affected his memory somehow? Xehanort had been toying with people's hearts... but Axel didn't have one!

Did he? Naminé's persistent questions came back to him now, echoing in his head. He clenched his fingers into his shirt.

"Sora mentioned that," he said. "That it took a long time for everyone to recover. That even when I arrived not everyone was at a hundred percent."

He hesitated, gears still turning in his head but gaining no purchase on any real solid ideas. One thing stuck out in his mind, though: Xehanort had targeted Roxas and the Heartless had targeted Xion, and that was not going to fly.

Was this how Roxas had felt? When he'd discovered that the truth had been kept from him? When he'd found out that part of his own history had been hidden, avoided, swept under a rug because it was easier than trying to explain it? ... Was this even something Axel was capable of feeling? Turnabout was fair enough play, certainly, but Roxas wasn't the sort of person to turn something back on someone just for the sake of making a point. He hadn't told him the truth... because he was worried about it happening again, wasn't he? Light, especially now that he'd confessed to the fact that he'd died for his sake, Roxas was never going to come out with this, was he?

He exhaled (he'd been holding his breath?) and fixed Riku with an unsteady stare.

"What does he want?"

Whether he knew the truth or not, Axel wasn't going to let anyone get their hands on the people important to him.

[dawnward]

"You were. But not really at the time that it happened." Not that he could remember. If he had, then they would have had more allies on their side. The final battle had been a mess in and of itself, with Riku fighting alongside Terra and Aslan to finally defeat Master Xehanort. It hadn't been an easy fight. Three people - including an almost-god - could barely take the man down. That was saying something.

He ran fingers through his razored hair and closed his eyes, feeling like every movement had his body aching. "People don't remember when they disappear, Axel. It...It has nothing to do with any one person here." Naminé wasn't involved. Even she had disappeared and come back with no memory and he couldn't imagine she'd erase everything for herself...would she? He didn't like that idea. But it had no bearing on their conversation and so he pushed it aside for the moment, sighing.

Axel ground out an angry question and Riku knew the answer, something that horrified him still. I should have seen it. I should have known. I never should have let Sora do all of the work himself. Their blood is on his hands...

He swallowed the torrent of self-deprecation. "He wants Kingdom Hearts. That's all he's ever wanted, I assume." Oh, but he had no idea how much he did. That wasn't the point. "He wants power. He wants..." He opened his eyes to look at Axel. "He wants them all to be infected with his darkness, just like him. He wants to put his darkness into their hearts."

And before Axel could protest, he held up a hand. "The Nobodies - you, Roxas, everyone - have hearts, Axel. They always have in some way. Xemnas was lying to you."

[got_it_memorized]

He never would have thought Naminé had had anything to do with it, honestly. If anything she had been the one to help him--without her he might never have remembered Xion completely.

Then he scoffed. "Right, right, everyone wants Kingdom Hearts," he said, rolling his eyes. He waved one hand in the air mockingly. "Blah blah darkness this, blah blah darkness that... I really wish they'd learn a new song; that one's gotten really old."

'He wants to put his darkness into their hearts.'

It took half a second for Riku's words to really register, but before he could screw up his face and boggle at the younger man--'What hearts?'--Riku clarified, and Axel suddenly forgot how to breathe.

Hearts. They had hearts? How was that even possible? They had lost them! That was the whole reason they existed--or didn't--at all! He sort of made a wheezing sound, then coughed and cleared his throat, giving Riku a slightly incredulous look.

"Aha... wow, you... you almost had me there," he said, a grain of desperation in his voice. Riku wasn't really the joking type. Axel knew this. And what would have possessed the kid to make such a cruel joke in the first place was beyond him. But this... it just couldn't be true.

It couldn't be.

If it was true, then... then everything they'd ever done had been for nothing! If it was true, then what had the missions been for? What good did it do to complete Kingdom Hearts if they had hearts already? If they didn't need to complete Kingdom Hearts, then why had he stayed with the Organization at all?

Why hadn't his stupid heart done its stupid job? Why did he let Xion destroy herself? Why hadn't he just gone with Roxas that night?

Why hadn't he just gone with Roxas that night!?

[dawnward]

Kingdom Hearts was a puzzle piece none of them knew much about. It frustrated him. He wasn't a scientist or a researcher by any means but he almost wished he was if it would mean he could figure the stupid thing out. Greater minds than his have tried to tackle that issue and he supposed he could just let it go. There was no point in worrying about figuring it out until they found alternative means of looking into it without endangering anyone.

"I know. But that's what he wants."

Axel's reaction didn't surprise him. He expected him to deny it time and time again. He'd felt the same. Riku leaned back into the couch with a mild wince and desperately wished it could swallow him up. Everything he had done had been for Sora and Kairi...but at what cost? How many lives had he ruined - true, innocent lives - to help his friends? He felt sick.

"It's true, though," he whispered. "Xigbar was tainted in a way I couldn't even... It was like smelling the Heartless. I could sense Xehanort within him. And his eye-- His eye was golden, just like theirs." It had shaken him and it still made him desperate and uncertain. His voice wavered slightly. "And he wasn't playing around this time."

Xigbar's ferocity had startled him. Riku's eyes focused on nothing as he recalled it, his fists clenching in his lap. "He reached into my heart, Axel. He grabbed the darkness within it and tried to push me under. He tried to drown me in that same darkness." Just like Xehanort.

[got_it_memorized]

Axel frowned, still reeling from the very idea of all of this but intent on paying attention and absorbing the rest of it.

"His eye's been gold as long as I've known him," he said, squinting a bit. "I always figured the yellow eyes and pointy ears meant something, but I never managed to really figure what--Saïx has the same unusual features, but with Xemnas, those three were the only ones." A shake of his head. "Saïx... broke away, though, once he came here," he said, more to himself than to Riku. "Even as much as he wanted his heart back, as much as he changed, he never really went along with Xemnas' plans. Hell, we were planning to try and usurp Xemnas for a while there."

Had Xemnas' control over him tightened at the end, though? Was that why Saïx had hunted him down and left him for dead? He didn't want to think about this.

His eyes slid back to Riku then in the semidarkness of the room, his expression somber. He couldn't sympathize, exactly. Even if he had a heart now with which to do it, he'd never really embraced the idea of that darkness within him. He'd lost his heart, but he was still fundamentally the same person in the end. He had Roxas and Xion to thank for that. Axel was arrogant, certainly, but he knew that without Roxas and Xion's influence he might have folded to that darkness he'd kept in his pockets when he'd annihilated his cohorts in Castle Oblivion. His hand moved, unbidden, to his chest, and he pressed his fingertips into the fabric of his shirt.

"You beat that darkness though, right?" It was less a question and more just a statement; he knew Riku had quashed the shadow of Xemnas--'Ansem'--in his heart. He had done it before, and Axel had no doubt the kid could do it again. He was just that damn stubborn.

He shook his head then, something still niggling at the back of his brain. He would worry about wrangling with the idea of his heart and all the complications of that later--right now, there was a more pressing question on his mind.

"So why just Xigbar?" he asked. "If the point was to take the whole Organization, why are the rest of us here unaffected? Me, Demyx, Luxord... Roxas..." He wasn't sure if Xion counted in this equation, as a replica, but she was there in spirit, as it were. Why had Xigbar ultimately been the only other member affected? Axel had no illusions that he was stronger than Xigbar, so what was the trick? What had he somehow managed to do so wrong that he'd ultimately... done something right?