sirenspull_logs | How do I feel for thee? You smell of great disease 'cause we're young, fell in from the stars.

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How do I feel for thee? You smell of great disease 'cause we're young, fell in from the stars.

Who: Shikamaru and Souji
When: Sunday, February 12
Where: Souji's bedroom
Summary: Shikamaru came over to break things off with Souji like a gentleman and then they accidentally a whole only care about yaoi.
Warnings: Stupid mistakes and maybe sloppy sex. I swear I'm a serious RPer.

It's several days before he sobers up and gathers his wits enough to pay a visit to Souji's apartment. He breaks in with little effort, climbing in through the bedroom window. The apartment sounds empty. He listens for a long time, then leans up against the windowsill and waits for Souji to return. He doesn't quite know what he'll do yet, but he bets Souji won't be expecting this.

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Souji most certainly was not expecting anyone in his apartment. He came home from work to a silent and (what appeared to be) empty apartment, hung up his coat and scarf, and walked into his bedroom to get his shoes out of the way and empty his pockets when he gasps at seeing another figure in the room before he recognizes him. What in the world...?

He lets out a breath once his heart rate slows down, hand on his chest. This was odd. Once the surprise wears off, he's starting to realize just how strange this was.

"Hey, is everything okay?"

Shikamaru's eyebrows give the slightest twitch. Because no, of course things aren't okay. But he's unarmed, so at least nothing's dire.

"I thought we should talk."

This immediately put Souji's guard up. He motioned with a slight movement of his head towards the kitchen table.

"Out here, then?"

"I'd rather in here. To avoid interruption."

Because even though no one's around right now, Yosuke could walk in any second. And Shikamaru doesn't want Yosuke to overhear a single word.

After considering for a few seconds, he nodded slowly, facial expression neutral, closing the door behind him and leaning against it, waiting for the other to start.

"About what happened..." Shikamaru begins, then shakes his head. "I guess I should ask if you're alright, first."

"Yeah," he replied immediately. This couldn't be all that Shikamaru was here for though.

"...and you?"

"Look, I need to be honest and tell you I don't remember everything that happened. I mean - I remember enough. But not everything." It makes Shikamaru feel slightly sick to admit. He sounds like a fucking addict.

He had known there was something off about him but had ignored it at the time. He suddenly felt like a complete idiot for not following his instincts. An odd burning sensation started in his chest and seemed to radiate outwards.

He kept his face expressionless. He waits for more.

Shikamaru glances at Souji, then shakes his head quickly.

"I'm not blaming you for anything, okay? It was my fault. But, um... How do I say this..."

He's all ears, waiting for Shikamaru to speak. He stands up straight, no longer leaning against the door.

Shikamaru's trying to be calm here, but if Souji's looking closely, his hands are trembling. He takes a short breath. "I... need you not to tell anyone what happened. Not what we did, or what you saw, or anything I said."

The silence was almost deafening. It wasn't like he was going to broadcast it over the NV. Of course not. Nor did he feel the need to tell other people what happened with him behind closed doors. But hearing Shikamaru say it out loud...

He stands there, unmoving for a minute--a minute that seemed to last an hour. Finally, he nodded his head slowly. The glint in his eyes was absent.

"I understand, but why?"

"Look - don't take it personally."

Although it's clear from a single glance that Souji is, at least to some degree. Shikamaru sighs, crossing the room so that there isn't such a wide gap between them.

"You remember my Shadow, right? I've got problems. Big, big problems. Shit you don't need in your life."

It was stupid, but at that moment he wanted to say We all do. He wanted to say something that countered what Shikamaru had said--invalidate it somehow. But he couldn't. It was this odd internal tug-of-war. He cared. He wanted to say something because he cared. And yet he didn't. He didn't care because Shikamaru didn't much care, clearly. But Shikamaru cared enough to come down here and tell him this in person, right?

He doesn't react to the other closing the distance.

"Yes, I remember. I've seen many of them before.

"So, forget about it?" It wasn't meant to be bitter, even if it came out a bit cooler than he meant. Just an honest question that he wanted an answer to.

Shikamaru's stomach twists up with guilt. God, what about this could possibly have felt so good the other day? His mouth opens but the words about to come out of it are all the things Yosuke once said to him. Things that broke his heart. And maybe it seemed like a good idea to hurt Souji before, but that's changed now. Souji saved him not so long ago. And this is how he's repaying that?

He shuts his mouth, shakes his head, and tries again, "It's not like that. I don't regret it."

"I don't think I'm following."

And honestly, he was a bit confused. Shikamaru doesn't regret it, yet he tells him not to talk about it with anyone? Then he acts as though Souji's never seen a Shadow before, and never seen their bearing on a person after they're accepted. Isn't that one thing that he's learned from his time in Inaba and the Port? Everyone has big problems?

Shikamaru takes a step closer. Maybe he's a little too close now, but it doesn't seem like Souji's really hearing him.

"You didn't do anything wrong, okay? It's me. I screwed up. You were perfect. And I wish all of that could've happened when I knew what was going on. I wish I could have deserved you and everything we did and all of the stuff that might've come out of it."

A pause. His voice gets suddenly quieter, "Because you're really..."

He's definitely standing too close. He realizes that when he finds he's looking at Souji's lips instead of his eyes, and his face is too warm, and his throat goes dry.

He couldn't help it. His face softens a bit. There's a burning sensation in his chest again, but not the same as last time. It turns into more of an ache.

He doesn't move. He stands his ground, all too aware of the invasion of personal space. But...was it an invasion? He had the instinct to shut down, shut himself off. People were easier to deal with that way, weren't they? Especially after Shikamaru's request. But he had seen too much of Souji already. Would anything be accomplished by shutting down?

And what he was saying now, was he sincere? Will you remember what you're saying now, tomorrow? he wanted to bite back, but he held his tongue. Was Souji that hurt? Was Shikamaru being sincerely apologetic?

All of this conflict inside him was almost enough to lose himself in, to almost forget about what was happening outside of his own head.

What could he say? What was there to say?

And so, because words failed him for the moment, he quickly closed what little distance there was between them, lips meeting his, softly, gently. It was a short kiss, experimental to see how the other reacted, to get his true feelings on the matter. It was also an experiment for himself, to see if he could discern his own feelings.

Shikamaru accepts that kiss as easily as if under a spell. The moment Souji draws in, his defenses fall away and he finds himself kissing Souji - kissing him without any desire to stop. His hand rises, and he must have meant to put it on Souji's chest and push him away, but instead his palm caresses Souji's cheek.

Whatever had possessed him to want to hurt Souji is gone now. But he can't think of any way to make it better. He only feels that he owes this to Souji... and if he's honest with himself, he craves Souji's attention and affection just as much.

Why did it feel right, doing this? He felt like it shouldn't. It had felt like he had been rejected before, so he shouldn't feel like it's okay now, right? If it wasn't okay, he probably would have been shoved aside, Shikamaru would have walked out, slammed the door, thank you come again, right? But that wasn't what was happening.

That hand on his cheek had felt nice. Warm. He didn't want to stop now that he had Shikamaru's permission, but he resisted the urge to steal another kiss. For now, anyway.

He looked directly into Shikamaru's eyes. Maybe a bit unfair of him to ask it after a kiss, sure, but it had to be done. Depending on the answer, he might not have it happen again.

"Is there a problem with this?"

Why does Souji have to look at him like that? It's impossible to reject someone with eyes like those. He'd come here with a thousand reasons to push Souji away, and now he's forgotten every single one of them. Shikamaru's fingers move slowly over Souji's skin, tracing the line of his jaw. His thumb brushes Souji's lower lip. It isn't fair, how perfect he is.

"I... I'm the problem."

Inadequate. He has to elaborate. But his voice sounds weak.

"I can't give you anything you want. I want to. I want to very badly. I want to kiss you again - a thousand times - and more. But that isn't okay with you, is it? You're not the kinda guy who goes fucking around in secret. And I'm not the kinda guy who makes promises. So we should stop here, shouldn't we? Before you get hurt."

He closes his eyes and sighs at Shikamaru's touch, listening to what he had to say. At the end he opened his eyes, but turned them towards the floor. He didn't want it to end right here. He didn't want it to stop. This was something he was doing because it felt good to him. He was doing something for himself for once. He chose his words carefully, quietly.

"I'm okay with no promises." You're used to no promises, you mean an ugly voice in the back of his head retorted bitterly

"But..." He hesitates, and the next words that come out of his mouth make his stomach clench uncomfortably, painfully.

"Whatever you want, then. I'll back off if you really want me to. "

Shikamaru doesn't really know what he wants. He only knows what he doesn't want. He doesn't want to see Souji unhappy. He'll do anything to bury whatever ugly, awful bitterness that caused him to play this game in the first place. He'll find a way to fix this.

"...No," he utters. "If you're really okay with that, then we're alright. It's just... this isn't a thing. I want you to understand. We're just friends."

But he punctuates that with another kiss to Souji's lips.

He nods slowly. He could handle that, right? It would be okay to do this, and then in public, they would be friends. It would be like normal, but he had the intimacy as a bonus. He wasn't planning on writing it on billboards, after all. It would be okay...

And when their lips met, a relief washed over him. The physical tension from having his guard up relaxed away. He kissed back, lightly resting his hands on Shikamaru's hips, barely concealing the small smile that formed on his lips as he thought about how nice this was.

It can't be a wrong decision, can it? Hasn't he clearly defined the boundaries this time? He doesn't believe he's being cruel now. He doesn't think it's a bad thing, the friends-with-benefits arrangement. As long as they both understand, then they'll have none of the problems he's run into in the past. Isn't that right?

The mental argument slips from his mind as Souji's hands find his hips. Instinctively, he pushes in, pressing Souji up against the door. It's a little bit dangerous, but no one's home yet. They have some time. And he's been thinking about this since the other night, wishing he could revisit the experience with a clearer head. Now, even though this isn't what he planned, he's glad to have the chance.

He let out a small sigh as his back presses against the door. His hands shift a little higher, his thumbs brushing upwards under the hem of Shikamaru's shirt, over the skin right above the waist of his pants. The rest of his fingers gripped at the other a little firmer to pull him closer.

For once, he didn't want to have to think long-term about something. He was happy doing this right here and right now.

It's Shikamaru's turn to smile. The skin-on-skin contact sends a little shiver up his spine. He tilts his head slightly as his lips work against Souji's, his own hand slipping around to the back of Souji's neck.

His hands began to wander up and under Shikamaru's shirt, his fingers running along his back. He almost didn't even notice his hands were wandering. He just knew that he wanted to be in contact with as much of the other as he could.

It was strange, losing himself like this. His lack of inhibition was refreshing, yes, but also a bit jarring. This is the second time he's been so vulnerable. The thought was uncomfortable, and so pushed it out of his mind for the moment.

Everything's alright, his fingers are saying, brushing through Souji's hair in assurance. Shikamaru's back curves under Souji's touch, his body sliding slowly against the other's. He allows Souji to explore without any interference. His own focus is on keeping Souji's lips occupied. He nips and sucks and invites Souji's tongue into his mouth.

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How do I feel for thee? You smell of great disease 'cause we're young, fell in from the stars.

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