Stranger, baby, always keep me

[showbizpanache]

Who: Kurt and Blaine
When: Late tonight.
Where: Kurt and Rachel's apartment.
Summary: Kurt's slowly picking up the pieces of what he's forgotten, and in the process he realizes that he doesn't really want to.
Warnings: Talking about touchy subjects, confronting them and healing. Maybe more, we'll see.



"...if you go into your NV history, you can find posts you yourself made."

It seemed easy enough. Rachel, Blaine and Finn had done their best to fill Kurt in about everything they could, but it was all so...surface-level. It was like being told the plot of a movie or a television series. None of it stuck to heart, none of it seemed real. He was still partially convinced that he was in the midst of a particularly lengthy dream, because that was what it felt like. Nothing was sinking in at all.

It was late Sunday night, and Kurt was itching to cook something. To his pleasant surprise, all of the cupboards were fully stocked with everything he liked, everything he needed to cook dinner for at least a week. Well I always make sure I'm prepared, he thought, and wanted to scream with the insanity of it all.

You've lived here. You work as a mechanic. You gave up school. He'd almost laughed out loud, convinced they they'd been joking, because that didn't sound like him at all. Why wasn't he attending a prestigious theatrical arts school, working his way into stardom-- Why the hell was he fixing cars?

He didn't have enough fingers to count how many times he'd burst into tears over the weekend. Everything just seemed so wrong, after all. It was as though he were stepping into the life of someone he didn't know, not himself--but as of earlier that day, things had started to look up.

His calendar had a date marked Audition, after all.

One by one little things stood out to him, mementos of his past here, and things finally started to click into place. He'd found a silver ring with the word 'Courage' engraved on it, and he'd slipped it on immediately, wondering why he hadn't been wearing it before. I lose rings, he reminded himself, and he'd smiled as he examined it fondly. In his bedroom he'd also found a curious little stuffed animal, handmade and rather hideous, as well as an oversized leather jacket. It was too big to be his or Blaine's, so he assumed it was Finn's and hung it up to give to him later. That didn't really explain the plush, though, or the posters he'd found around the apartment all colorfully designed and splashed with the words Vote power, class and dignity! Baron Franz d'Epinay for Newcomer Liaison!

It was time to do it, he decided. It was time to start filling in the gaps. He sat on the couch and took out his NV, and began to search. Hours and hours passed as he scrolled through and played back countless conversations, some good and bad-- It was bizarre and otherworldly, really, to have his life played back to him, and it began to make him feel sort of sick--especially when he read conversations between him and someone named Yaha, or past conversations between him and Blaine that didn't seem right at all. Some of them were good, though. Ahiru really was a good friend and a sweet girl, and he made a mental note to call her later. And Finn had been right--Santana had been here, and she was every bit the firecracker that she always had been.

The smile faded from his face, though, when he started reading recent conversations he'd had with Blaine. Why were they texting one another instead of calling? Why had Kurt sounded so cold and angry--and why was Blaine acting so guilty? He kept on going, his stomach tightening, and it all sort of blurred together after a while-- Fight, he'd read. Hurt. Drugs--

Suddenly, he couldn't read or listen anymore. He shut off his NV and slammed it on the couch next to him, staring at the wall for a second before picking it up and turning it on again. He called Blaine immediately, hoping it was late enough that the other boy wasn't working anymore.

"Blaine? It's Kurt-- Could you come over, please? Right now. Please be careful. Thanks."

Comments

[showbizpanache]

For a long time Kurt's eyes stayed focused on the note, unable to tear them away. He fought the overwhelming desire to just read it out loud to Blaine right then and there, but then--Kurt had hidden this box for a reason. He'd sealed it up and stored it away. Why had he done that?

Could it be that he'd believed Blaine was never coming home?

Tearing his eyes away at last, Kurt folded the letter and slipped it back into the box. His stomach twisted when his fingertips brushed the final item inside of it--a box, soft to the touch, and just the right size to contain...

"That's sort of an unfair question," said Kurt, his heart thumping as he looked at Blaine, his mind clearly preoccupied. "Rachel wouldn't want to be with anyone but Finn. And regardless of who would hypothetically do that to her--they wouldn't be you."

[mediumdrip]

Blaine put the kitten aside and sighed softly. "That's what kind of gets to me," he said after a moment. "Everyone keeps acting like this is okay because it's me. There's nothing that special about me. I'm just a guy. A stupid guy."

He managed to look over at Kurt. "I told you before that I didn't want to screw this up. That seems to be all I can do here..."

He stopped himself before adding that he missed Kurt. He missed his best friend.

[showbizpanache]

Kurt shook his head firmly. "I don't care what anyone else says," he replied. "And you are stupid. You're monumentally stupid, but I still love you with all my heart."

He shifted a little closer, reaching up to take Blaine's hand. "Why is it so hard for you to believe that I'd forgive you?"

[mediumdrip]

"I do believe it," Blaine said after a moment. He takes Kurt's hand. "That's so like you. You'll forgive almost anything, because you care about people. You want them to be happy."

After a moment Blaine pulled Kurt a little closer. He put his free hand on Kurt's hip and looked up at him from where he was sitting on the bed. "I love that about you."

[showbizpanache]

"I love you," said Kurt softly. "And I'm...pretty sure the old me loved you too. Blaine, I..."

He bit his lip, reaching up to put his hands on Blaine's shoulders. "What if I'm like this forever? What if I never get my memories back?"

[mediumdrip]

"Then you'll have to focus on making new ones," Blaine answered after a while. "Maybe things will be better the second time around."

[showbizpanache]

"Not without you," said Kurt immediately, touching the side of Blaine's face.

[mediumdrip]

"Kurt..." Blaine said after a moment, but he didn't know how to continue. Instead he just looked up at Kurt. He a slightly pained expression on his face.

[showbizpanache]

Pulling back, Kurt moved to sit next to Blaine on the bed. He'd thought that going through the closet would help him pick up some pieces, make things clearer, but now he felt even more confused.

"Blaine," he said softly, staring at his hands, which were twisting around one another as they often did when he was nervous. "What am I supposed to do? Just...sit around and wait to remember something? I want to try, but--then you tell me you don't want me to remember everything, so... What are we doing? Am I just supposed to wait until the off-chance that I might get my memories back, and--shove away how much I want to be with you?"

[mediumdrip]

"I don't know," Blaine admitted after a moment. "I don't know what we're doing and I don't know what to tell you about what we should do later." Blaine looked away and down at the carpet for a moment.

"I want to be with you too," he admitted after a moment. "I just don't trust myself not to hurt you again."

[showbizpanache]

"Do you want to hurt me?" Kurt asked, genuinely confused.

[mediumdrip]

"No, never," Blaine said right away. "It seems like all I can do here, though. It wasn't just the drugs. There was stuff before that too. Horrible things. I never want to risk doing those things to you again."

[showbizpanache]

Blaine had mentioned this before, but had refused to expound upon it. Kurt wanted to respect that, but he couldn't stop the horrible curiosity and mingled dread that he felt.

"What do you talking about?" he asked, unable to help himself.

[mediumdrip]

For a moment Blaine thinks he might be able to tell Kurt everything. However, when he tries to think of words to describe what had happened with the cherry trees he shook his head.

"I'm sorry," he said instead. "Look, let's just... Let's just be okay. I don't want to drag you down over something you can't even remember." After a moment. "Do you think it would be okay if I slept here?"

[showbizpanache]

Kurt wasn't done yet. He leaned forward, looking at Blaine intently.

"Do you love me?"

[mediumdrip]

"Yes," Blaine answered, looking back up at Kurt. "With my whole heart."

He knew he should probably feel guilty about saying that, considering the last time he had had been for his video and in the end he had realized the subtle emotional manipulation of those words as they wormed their way into their conversation.

When Kurt remembered would this conversation just be another way that Blaine had tried to get himself back into Kurt's life? He wasn't even sure, and in that moment, looking up at Kurt's eyes, he found the only thing he could really feel was that love and all of the aching want that seemed to come packaged with it.

[showbizpanache]

"So..." Kurt reached over to take Blaine's hand with both of his own. "You don't want to hurt me and you love me."

He lifted the hand he was holding and pressed it against his own cheek. "I'm pretty sure that's all I need, Blaine."

[mediumdrip]

Blaine didn't say anything. He really didn't trust himself to speak. Instead he opened his hand and pressed his palm against Kurt's cheek.

Finally he found words, but they weren't really a reply. "I love the way your face feels," he said quietly. It sounded a little lame, but he couldn't help but feel that way with his fingers against Kurt's cheek bone, with his thumb against Kurt's jaw.

His face was so angular, so beautiful. No wonder he couldn't get it out of his mind.

[showbizpanache]

For some reason that reply was just what Kurt was looking for. He simply laughed, moving forward to press their mouths together again. It felt so nice, so warm, so familiar--and he knew with all of his heart that this was still the Blaine he knew. He trusted that. No matter what Blaine had said he'd done, he knew deep in his heart that Blaine had never meant any of it. He knew Blaine. Memories wouldn't change that.

[mediumdrip]

Blaine returned the kiss for a moment before pulling away. "No more kissing, remember?" he pointed out. He didn't seem to irritated by it though, instead he was smiling. "We can cuddle though. If you want to."

[showbizpanache]

"Okay," said Kurt, sighing, surrendering, smiling. "Let's lie down."

He rolled over onto the bed, tugging the covers over himself, feeling suddenly cold.

[mediumdrip]

Blaine took off his shoes and then settled in with him. He pulled Kurt close. "How do you feel? Have you had any headaches? Fatigue?" he asked. He was still worried that whatever had done this to him was still in his head, messing with him.

[showbizpanache]

"A little," Kurt confessed, closing his eyes as he was pulled against Blaine. For the first time since he'd found himself wandering the streets of Siren's Port, terrified and confused, he finally felt safe. "My head hurts. It usually does when I try to remember something, I've found."

[mediumdrip]

Blaine put his hand on Kurt's arm and trailed his finger tips gently up until he could touch the back of his neck and head. He rubbed carefully, trying to soothe whatever headache might be there. It worried him. It made him realize that whatever had done this might have more lingering affects.

"Have you seen a doctor yet?" he asked after a moment.

[showbizpanache]

"No," said Kurt, and he smiled. "I don't remember if I know any doctors, remember?" He closed his eyes, humming softly, rendered limp by the soothing touch to his scalp.

"I feel fine," he said softly. "I'm probably just tired. I did a lot of rehearsing today, after all."