We're just fumbling through the grey, trying to find a heart that's not walking away

[showbizpanache]

Who: KLAINE. They're Klaine again ohmygodyay
When: Sunday evening.
Where: SOME SHMANCY RESTAURANT and then we'll see.
Summary: Klaine's first date since their disastrous breakup and all the shenanigans that followed. Kurt is nervous. Blaine is...Blaine.
Warnings: Angst...fluff...maybe more...I'll add if necessary.



Kurt didn't have time to fret about the ring or about what his future would be with Blaine at all--the anxiety that had set in was enough to obliterate just about everything else in his head, honestly, swelling up like a lead balloon he was dragging everywhere. A first date. He thought he was done with firsts like that--done with a lot of things, actually, but life had different plans.

He'd been so happy to have Blaine in his life again that he'd put aside his own impatience, his own desire for something bigger, something permanent. Franz's warnings had been enough to stall those feelings for a while, but they came back almost instantly, pressing up under that lead balloon until he was weighted down by the girth of his own thoughts.

It all seemed to convert into some mad, nervous energy that Sunday evening when he got ready for what he'd dubbed their 'second first date', dressing and styling himself impeccably as if meeting Blaine for the first time. It was sort of exciting, to rewind like this, even if that insistence was still there in the back of Kurt's mind, ever-present.

He made it to the restaurant early and sat at their table with a Chardonnay, trying not to look as conflicted as he felt.

Comments

[mediumdrip]

Blaine been worrying about this since he had made up his mind to try this again.

What if it was too soon? What if they really weren't meant to be together the way that he thought they were? It was possible that they had been wrong all along. He tried not to let those doubts creep up into his mind but how could he keep them at bay? They had both done so many horrible things to each other. Their relationship had been toyed with my the powers that existed here. They had learned what it took to separate them.

How could he be sure that wouldn't happen again?

Honestly, though, how could he be sure of anything? In this world, nothing made sense. He just knew that there were so many people here who were lonely and miserable, stuck in a new world, a world covered in Darkness and they didn't have anyone. Hadn't he lost Kurt enough times to know how important he was? Would he ever forgive himself if he didn't take this second chance?

When he showed up to the restaurant and was shown to the table he smiled at Kurt and then offered him a single rose. One that was the same color of the bouquet Kurt had gotten him as a congratulations for landing the role in West Side Story. It was meant to be a simple reminder of their past, while also serving as an offer for their possible future.

"Hi," he said. "I hope I didn't make you wait long?"

[showbizpanache]

"Not at all," Kurt replied, and God-- His face couldn't resist splitting into a smile at the sight of this boy, his forever--despite the universe's attempts to tell them otherwise--walking up to him with a rose, as if they were stealing a moment between classes at Dalton. Blaine had done that a few times--slipped outside to grab a flower from the garden and slip it to Kurt in the hallway--and Kurt had always smelled it and swooned and wondered when he would wake up from this thing that was too perfect to be real.

It wasn't perfect anymore, of course. It was the opposite of perfect, quite honestly, but that was okay. Kurt accepted the flower, smelling it daintily, his cheeks dusted pink the same way they were back then.

"I'm glad you're here."

[mediumdrip]

Blaine slipped into the seat across from Kurt. He tried to calm the way his heart was hammering in his chest. "I am too. You look amazing."

[showbizpanache]

"You too," Kurt replied with an honest smile. The waitress came by to take their drink orders and Kurt decided on an iced tea this time. Nothing good ever happened if he had more than one serving of alcohol.

He turned to Blaine and was quiet for a long moment. What the hell were they supposed to talk about? Casually discussing their days would feel too informal, but talking about their past or future would be too intimate... How was this supposed to work?

Maybe words weren't really what they needed. Slowly Kurt moved his hand forward, opening it shyly, inviting Blaine to take it.

[mediumdrip]

Blaine had sworn off alcohol along with the drugs and ordered a Diet Coke. He smiled a bit when Kurt held out his hand and took it with his own. "How was your day?" he asked. It wasn't just about casually discussing Kurt day, he really did want to know what Kurt had done with his time. He wanted to make sure that Kurt was okay.

[showbizpanache]

"Today I didn't do much of anything, honestly," Kurt laughed, and slowly began to relax. Sitting across from Blaine, their hands joined, he couldn't really think of anywhere else he'd rather have been. "Did some grocery shopping this morning and cleaned all day...terribly exciting, as you can see."

He accepted his iced tea from the waitress, thanked her and stirred it idly with his free hand as he spoke. "There's a lot of work to be done. For Franz's campaign, for the NPP, at the theater, at the shop... I sort of needed a day off."

[mediumdrip]

"You deserve more time to be yourself and relax," Blaine said. His thumb trailed over the side of Kurt's hand. He smiled over at Kurt, giving him the same expression he always did, as if Kurt was the most beautiful person in the world.

[showbizpanache]

That look simultaneously made Kurt's heart speed up and ache with pain, and he smiled down at the table. "How about you?" he asked, his voice quiet.

[mediumdrip]

Blaine looked away, a little embarrassed, when he realized what he was doing. His free hand rubbed at his neck as he thought about it.

He really wanted to tell Kurt all about what he had learned about Tim and the offer that was there to have him help out. It was just not something he could tell anyone, not even Kurt. This wasn't even about keeping things from Kurt, which had been a major part of their relationship falling apart before, but was about protecting Tim and Tim's family. He could keep this secret, he thought, without betraying his promise to not keep secrets from Kurt because it wasn't his secret to share.

Instead he went down a safer route. "Dealing with the after effect of whatever it was that drove everyone crazy," he said. He was thinking of Chuck's change in mood, in Tim and Connor fighting, of everyone complaining about their emotions going haywire. "Did you get caught up in any of that?"

[showbizpanache]

"I didn't," Kurt replied. "I think Genesis might have, though. He was acting kind of strange for a while there."

He sighed. "Blaine... I didn't really ask how you're dealing with everyone else. I want to know how you are. How you feel."

[mediumdrip]

"I've been good," Blaine admitted after a moment. "A lot better than I think I should be, to be honest. I feel like I have purpose again. It's nice." He smiled a bit, seeming embarrassed to admit how okay he felt.

"Is that weird?"

[showbizpanache]

"You've always had a purpose," said Kurt, frowning. "What are you talking about? Blaine, you're perfect."

He was blunt as always. He squeezed Blaine's hand, signaling how happy he was that Blaine was feeling better, even if he couldn't understand everything he was saying.

[mediumdrip]

"I haven't felt perfect," Blaine said as he looked back up at Kurt. "And I'm not. I'm working towards feeling okay. I think this is a good step too," he added, meaning their date. He smiled over at Kurt. "How have you been feeling?"

[showbizpanache]

Kurt opened his mouth and closed it again. Blaine was being completely honest with him, which meant so much--especially taking their breakup into consideration. That meant he had to be completely honest too, which wouldn't bother him normally, but...

He was quiet even as the waitress brought them their appetizers, and let go of Blaine's hand to put a few slices of bread on his plate. He didn't eat them. When she walked away, he finally sighed.

"Blaine," he said softly. "What are we doing?"

[mediumdrip]

"Eating dinner?" Blaine suggested as he took his own bread. He knew that Kurt meant something more than just that, but he wasn't sure what to say. If anything he wanted Kurt to clarify what he meant.

[showbizpanache]

"Blaine," Kurt sighed, just as he always used to when Blaine had left his sheet music all over the house or forgot to was the dishes.

"I'm talking about--this. This date. This whole starting over thing. I--I don't want to rush you, but..." He sighed, lookign rather distressed. "Don't you think we're wasting time?"

[mediumdrip]

Blaine pulled back a bit and leaned against the chair. "Wasting time? What do you mean?"

[showbizpanache]

Kurt took a deep, slow breath, hating the way the familiar tension settled over them. He stared down at his uneaten bread, wringing his hands under the table.

"I went to the Memorial the other day," he said softly. "I laid down flowers for everyone I've lost. Ahiru and Tim were there too, laying down flowers for their lost loved ones, and..." He pressed his lips together briefly. "There were so many flowers, Blaine."

[mediumdrip]

"I know," Blaine said quietly. "So many people have died or disappeared..."

He had some idea of what Kurt was getting at, but he still wanted Kurt to be the one to say it.

[showbizpanache]

It was time to nut up or shut up. Kurt looked up at last, his eyes completely honest, his emotions clear on his face as they always were.

"The Core brought us back together," he stated. "But will it do that again? Any second, you or I could be gone. Tomorrow I could by lying flowers on your grave, or you mine."

He shook his head, getting more emotional as he spoke. "We've been through all this already. We've made so many discoveries, you and I, learned so much, been through so much. This is...this is just silly, pretending that all of that didn't happen. It's stupid."

[mediumdrip]

Blaine pressed his lips together. He shook his head. "No," he said. "This isn't stupid. This is what I need right now," he said carefully. He looked at Kurt with a slightly desperate expression. He was willing Kurt to understand.

"I never, ever thought that I would take drugs. I never, ever thought I'd hurt you. I did both of those things and afterwards I wasn't sure who I was. I've never really been sure about who I am, but after that? I felt like I was nothing." He tucked his lips together as he thought of how to word this. "This is just a much about me figuring out who I am as it is about us figuring out what we want. I can't just go back to where we were. That place. It wasn't the best for me. We need to create something new instead of going back."

"Things disappear here, Kurt. That's what the Core is best at. I disappeared. I need to find me again."

[showbizpanache]

"I understand that, Blaine," said Kurt urgently. "But why can't I help you with any of that? Why are you shutting me out? I can't do this, Blaine, I-- I can't just pretend that everything's fine while you're out discovering yourself."

He sighed, wrestling within himself to find the right words, and ignored the looks he was getting from other patrons for raising his voice. He lowered it, speaking carefully.

"I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to wait until you're better. I want to help you get better."

[mediumdrip]

"You are helping me," Blaine said. "You do help me. Why do you think that you don't?"

[showbizpanache]

"Because you don't want to live with me," Kurt admitted softly. "You don't want to have a life together. You're trying to make some whole new life when we already have one, Blaine."

[mediumdrip]

Blaine looked a little hurt for a moment and then leaned forward a bit. "I don't trust myself living with you," he admitted. "I'm sorry."