sirenspull_logs | We're just fumbling through the grey, trying to find a heart that's not walking away

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We're just fumbling through the grey, trying to find a heart that's not walking away

Who: KLAINE. They're Klaine again ohmygodyay
When: Sunday evening.
Where: SOME SHMANCY RESTAURANT and then we'll see.
Summary: Klaine's first date since their disastrous breakup and all the shenanigans that followed. Kurt is nervous. Blaine is...Blaine.
Warnings: Angst...fluff...maybe more...I'll add if necessary.

Kurt didn't have time to fret about the ring or about what his future would be with Blaine at all--the anxiety that had set in was enough to obliterate just about everything else in his head, honestly, swelling up like a lead balloon he was dragging everywhere. A first date. He thought he was done with firsts like that--done with a lot of things, actually, but life had different plans.

He'd been so happy to have Blaine in his life again that he'd put aside his own impatience, his own desire for something bigger, something permanent. Franz's warnings had been enough to stall those feelings for a while, but they came back almost instantly, pressing up under that lead balloon until he was weighted down by the girth of his own thoughts.

It all seemed to convert into some mad, nervous energy that Sunday evening when he got ready for what he'd dubbed their 'second first date', dressing and styling himself impeccably as if meeting Blaine for the first time. It was sort of exciting, to rewind like this, even if that insistence was still there in the back of Kurt's mind, ever-present.

He made it to the restaurant early and sat at their table with a Chardonnay, trying not to look as conflicted as he felt.

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"I didn't," Kurt replied. "I think Genesis might have, though. He was acting kind of strange for a while there."

He sighed. "Blaine... I didn't really ask how you're dealing with everyone else. I want to know how you are. How you feel."

"I've been good," Blaine admitted after a moment. "A lot better than I think I should be, to be honest. I feel like I have purpose again. It's nice." He smiled a bit, seeming embarrassed to admit how okay he felt.

"Is that weird?"

"You've always had a purpose," said Kurt, frowning. "What are you talking about? Blaine, you're perfect."

He was blunt as always. He squeezed Blaine's hand, signaling how happy he was that Blaine was feeling better, even if he couldn't understand everything he was saying.

"I haven't felt perfect," Blaine said as he looked back up at Kurt. "And I'm not. I'm working towards feeling okay. I think this is a good step too," he added, meaning their date. He smiled over at Kurt. "How have you been feeling?"

Kurt opened his mouth and closed it again. Blaine was being completely honest with him, which meant so much--especially taking their breakup into consideration. That meant he had to be completely honest too, which wouldn't bother him normally, but...

He was quiet even as the waitress brought them their appetizers, and let go of Blaine's hand to put a few slices of bread on his plate. He didn't eat them. When she walked away, he finally sighed.

"Blaine," he said softly. "What are we doing?"

"Eating dinner?" Blaine suggested as he took his own bread. He knew that Kurt meant something more than just that, but he wasn't sure what to say. If anything he wanted Kurt to clarify what he meant.

"Blaine," Kurt sighed, just as he always used to when Blaine had left his sheet music all over the house or forgot to was the dishes.

"I'm talking about--this. This date. This whole starting over thing. I--I don't want to rush you, but..." He sighed, lookign rather distressed. "Don't you think we're wasting time?"

Blaine pulled back a bit and leaned against the chair. "Wasting time? What do you mean?"

Kurt took a deep, slow breath, hating the way the familiar tension settled over them. He stared down at his uneaten bread, wringing his hands under the table.

"I went to the Memorial the other day," he said softly. "I laid down flowers for everyone I've lost. Ahiru and Tim were there too, laying down flowers for their lost loved ones, and..." He pressed his lips together briefly. "There were so many flowers, Blaine."

"I know," Blaine said quietly. "So many people have died or disappeared..."

He had some idea of what Kurt was getting at, but he still wanted Kurt to be the one to say it.

It was time to nut up or shut up. Kurt looked up at last, his eyes completely honest, his emotions clear on his face as they always were.

"The Core brought us back together," he stated. "But will it do that again? Any second, you or I could be gone. Tomorrow I could by lying flowers on your grave, or you mine."

He shook his head, getting more emotional as he spoke. "We've been through all this already. We've made so many discoveries, you and I, learned so much, been through so much. This is...this is just silly, pretending that all of that didn't happen. It's stupid."

Blaine pressed his lips together. He shook his head. "No," he said. "This isn't stupid. This is what I need right now," he said carefully. He looked at Kurt with a slightly desperate expression. He was willing Kurt to understand.

"I never, ever thought that I would take drugs. I never, ever thought I'd hurt you. I did both of those things and afterwards I wasn't sure who I was. I've never really been sure about who I am, but after that? I felt like I was nothing." He tucked his lips together as he thought of how to word this. "This is just a much about me figuring out who I am as it is about us figuring out what we want. I can't just go back to where we were. That place. It wasn't the best for me. We need to create something new instead of going back."

"Things disappear here, Kurt. That's what the Core is best at. I disappeared. I need to find me again."

"I understand that, Blaine," said Kurt urgently. "But why can't I help you with any of that? Why are you shutting me out? I can't do this, Blaine, I-- I can't just pretend that everything's fine while you're out discovering yourself."

He sighed, wrestling within himself to find the right words, and ignored the looks he was getting from other patrons for raising his voice. He lowered it, speaking carefully.

"I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to wait until you're better. I want to help you get better."

"You are helping me," Blaine said. "You do help me. Why do you think that you don't?"

"Because you don't want to live with me," Kurt admitted softly. "You don't want to have a life together. You're trying to make some whole new life when we already have one, Blaine."

Blaine looked a little hurt for a moment and then leaned forward a bit. "I don't trust myself living with you," he admitted. "I'm sorry."

Tears gathered in Kurt's eyes and he hated them, tried to hide them as best he could, especially when the waitress came back to take their orders. He asked for the first thing he could think of on the menu, not really wanting it.

"Ever?" he asked softly after she left.

Blaine ordered something just to get her away again. He felt guilty for not being polite but the only thing that he could see was Kurt's eyes filling with tears again.

This had been a bad idea. All he could do was hurt Kurt.

"No," he said softly. "Not ever. I'm trying to re-learn this, okay? But even now I keep saying things that hurt you. How can you expect me to move in with you when I can't even have dinner with you without making you cry?"

"You didn't make me cry," said Kurt, shaking his head. He reached up to rub the tears away with his sleeve. "I'm just..."

He let out a slow, shuddering breath. "I'm remembering New Year's Eve. The flash mob, remember?"

"Yes," Blaine said softly. "Of course."

"Do you remember what we did afterward?" he ventured, playing with the edge of his napkin.

Blaine nodded but didn't say anything, mostly because he was worried about where this was going. He was also sure that he would say something to make Kurt upset.

"I'm just..." Kurt's shoulders fell, and he wondered how he'd managed to ruin their date less than ten minutes in. It was probably a new record, he thought bitterly, and wished he'd never opened his mouth at all.

There was no turning back now, though, not now that they'd started. "I'm wondering what we're waiting for. What's supposed to magically change if we keep waiting. I feel like we're trapping ourselves in the past when we could be--thinking about a future together, you know?"

"I don't know," Blaine said softly. "That's why I wanted to start over. I feel like that's the only way I'll find out."

He looked at the table cloth instead of at Kurt. "Do you think this isn't going to work out?"

Kurt laughed, sniffling. "Are you even listening to what I'm saying?"

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