sirenspull_logs | We're just fumbling through the grey, trying to find a heart that's not walking away

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We're just fumbling through the grey, trying to find a heart that's not walking away

Who: KLAINE. They're Klaine again ohmygodyay
When: Sunday evening.
Where: SOME SHMANCY RESTAURANT and then we'll see.
Summary: Klaine's first date since their disastrous breakup and all the shenanigans that followed. Kurt is nervous. Blaine is...Blaine.
Warnings: Angst...fluff...maybe more...I'll add if necessary.

Kurt didn't have time to fret about the ring or about what his future would be with Blaine at all--the anxiety that had set in was enough to obliterate just about everything else in his head, honestly, swelling up like a lead balloon he was dragging everywhere. A first date. He thought he was done with firsts like that--done with a lot of things, actually, but life had different plans.

He'd been so happy to have Blaine in his life again that he'd put aside his own impatience, his own desire for something bigger, something permanent. Franz's warnings had been enough to stall those feelings for a while, but they came back almost instantly, pressing up under that lead balloon until he was weighted down by the girth of his own thoughts.

It all seemed to convert into some mad, nervous energy that Sunday evening when he got ready for what he'd dubbed their 'second first date', dressing and styling himself impeccably as if meeting Blaine for the first time. It was sort of exciting, to rewind like this, even if that insistence was still there in the back of Kurt's mind, ever-present.

He made it to the restaurant early and sat at their table with a Chardonnay, trying not to look as conflicted as he felt.

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"I know," Blaine said quietly. "So many people have died or disappeared..."

He had some idea of what Kurt was getting at, but he still wanted Kurt to be the one to say it.

It was time to nut up or shut up. Kurt looked up at last, his eyes completely honest, his emotions clear on his face as they always were.

"The Core brought us back together," he stated. "But will it do that again? Any second, you or I could be gone. Tomorrow I could by lying flowers on your grave, or you mine."

He shook his head, getting more emotional as he spoke. "We've been through all this already. We've made so many discoveries, you and I, learned so much, been through so much. This is...this is just silly, pretending that all of that didn't happen. It's stupid."

Blaine pressed his lips together. He shook his head. "No," he said. "This isn't stupid. This is what I need right now," he said carefully. He looked at Kurt with a slightly desperate expression. He was willing Kurt to understand.

"I never, ever thought that I would take drugs. I never, ever thought I'd hurt you. I did both of those things and afterwards I wasn't sure who I was. I've never really been sure about who I am, but after that? I felt like I was nothing." He tucked his lips together as he thought of how to word this. "This is just a much about me figuring out who I am as it is about us figuring out what we want. I can't just go back to where we were. That place. It wasn't the best for me. We need to create something new instead of going back."

"Things disappear here, Kurt. That's what the Core is best at. I disappeared. I need to find me again."

"I understand that, Blaine," said Kurt urgently. "But why can't I help you with any of that? Why are you shutting me out? I can't do this, Blaine, I-- I can't just pretend that everything's fine while you're out discovering yourself."

He sighed, wrestling within himself to find the right words, and ignored the looks he was getting from other patrons for raising his voice. He lowered it, speaking carefully.

"I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to wait until you're better. I want to help you get better."

"You are helping me," Blaine said. "You do help me. Why do you think that you don't?"

"Because you don't want to live with me," Kurt admitted softly. "You don't want to have a life together. You're trying to make some whole new life when we already have one, Blaine."

Blaine looked a little hurt for a moment and then leaned forward a bit. "I don't trust myself living with you," he admitted. "I'm sorry."

Tears gathered in Kurt's eyes and he hated them, tried to hide them as best he could, especially when the waitress came back to take their orders. He asked for the first thing he could think of on the menu, not really wanting it.

"Ever?" he asked softly after she left.

Blaine ordered something just to get her away again. He felt guilty for not being polite but the only thing that he could see was Kurt's eyes filling with tears again.

This had been a bad idea. All he could do was hurt Kurt.

"No," he said softly. "Not ever. I'm trying to re-learn this, okay? But even now I keep saying things that hurt you. How can you expect me to move in with you when I can't even have dinner with you without making you cry?"

"You didn't make me cry," said Kurt, shaking his head. He reached up to rub the tears away with his sleeve. "I'm just..."

He let out a slow, shuddering breath. "I'm remembering New Year's Eve. The flash mob, remember?"

"Yes," Blaine said softly. "Of course."

"Do you remember what we did afterward?" he ventured, playing with the edge of his napkin.

Blaine nodded but didn't say anything, mostly because he was worried about where this was going. He was also sure that he would say something to make Kurt upset.

"I'm just..." Kurt's shoulders fell, and he wondered how he'd managed to ruin their date less than ten minutes in. It was probably a new record, he thought bitterly, and wished he'd never opened his mouth at all.

There was no turning back now, though, not now that they'd started. "I'm wondering what we're waiting for. What's supposed to magically change if we keep waiting. I feel like we're trapping ourselves in the past when we could be--thinking about a future together, you know?"

"I don't know," Blaine said softly. "That's why I wanted to start over. I feel like that's the only way I'll find out."

He looked at the table cloth instead of at Kurt. "Do you think this isn't going to work out?"

Kurt laughed, sniffling. "Are you even listening to what I'm saying?"

"I'm trying to," Blaine said softly. "What do you want?"

Another silence fell upon them, broken by the drone of surrounding voices and the clink of silverware, the soft music playing and occasional laughter. Kurt played with his fork, catching his own reflection in it, wondering why he looked so different now.

"Blaine..." he murmured. "I... I want us to be together. But I don't want this. I don't want...to play at being kids anymore. Because we're not. We stopped being kids a long time ago."

He took a deep breath. "I learned a lot when I lost my memories. I got to see what being the old me is like. And I realized...I don't want to be the old me. I like the new me just fine, because everything that's happened-- It's just made me stronger. It's made us both stronger. And it made me love you more than I ever could before."

"I don't know what to do then," Blaine said finally. He felt horrible for admitting this, as if this was going to ruin something. He mastered his urge to run though and stayed with Kurt. Talking about this had to be better than hiding everything.

"I'm so happy that you see how strong that you are, because I know that you are one of the strongest people I've ever met. I can't just move forward though. I didn't like the new me. I'm only getting to be okay again because I'm rediscovering the old me."

He tried to stay calm as he asked, "Do you think the old me and the new you can be together?"

There wasn't an easy answer to that, and yet Kurt didn't think about his answer at all. The waitress brought them their food, and he just sort of stared at it, tears clouding his vision, until he blinked them away and smiled.

"I just want you," he whispered. "I want to...to be lying in bed at night and hear you come home, to sleep just a little better because I know you're there. I want to come home to you every day, to listen to you practicing your singing in the living room while I do chores. I want to cook you your favorite things when you've had a hard day, or--or just for the hell of it. I want to fall asleep with you on the couch watching I Love Lucy reruns because we're too tired to go to bed."

He rubbed his eyes again, laughing softly. "I don't think you're trying to be the old you. I think this is just another new you. And honestly, I don't care. You're just--you. And I love you."

"I love you too," Blaine said with pure honesty. For a moment he just looked at Kurt, enjoying the warm sense of pure love that overcame him in that moment.

"And I want those things. Eventually. When I trust myself to live with you again. Right now, I need to stay where I am. I need to know that I can text you all night until one of us falls asleep. I need to be able to take you on dates and know that we're together without the pressure of doing dishes or paying bills or being the perfect husband. I'm not ready to be anything like that again. I mean, I should be a junior in high school, not this."

Kurt nodded. "I know," he said softly, and laughed again, though it didn't sound happy at all. "I know. I'm... You're completely right."

He lifted his fork at last and poked around at his plate, spearing a piece of broccoli at last and nibbling at it. He flinched. "Wow, that's hot--"

Blaine grimaced slightly. "Be careful," he said softly. Kurt's reaction made him peer at his food carefully. He wasn't really hungry though.

"Are you sure this is going to be okay for you? I don't want to disappoint you."

"I'm fine," said Kurt quickly, carefully replacing the broccoli on his plate and forcing a smile. "I'm completely fine. My tongue is on fire though, sheesh..."

He quickly downed some water, swallowing down any more tears that threatened to show up.

"You know I'm not talking about the broccoli," Blaine said carefully. He picked up his own fork but didn't touch his food yet.

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