sirenspull_logs | How can you end my affliction

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How can you end my affliction

Who: Castiel, Magneto, Chuck, Sam Winchester, maybe others
When: Night of February 8th
Where: HoA, maybe elsewhere
Summary: Castiel and Sam's not-so-secret secret comes out after a massive fight.
Warnings: Blood, violence, horrible decision-making, generally unpleasant subject matter. You're watching Supernatural.

Castiel's landing in the HoA was anything but graceful.

In fact, it really wasn't much of a landing as it was a controlled crash, the angel appearing from nowhere in a sound like shifting cloth and tangled feathers, followed shortly by a thump as he collapsed to the floor of one of the common rooms. He'd made it, just like last time; he was safe here, for now.

He couldn't begin to process trying to figure out what he was going to do, what might happen, how he was going to fix this. He couldn't even think about getting up, just laying in a heap and bleeding onto the carpet from a gash on his temple, half-soaked in water and shivering just slightly while he drifted in and out of consciousness.

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[That gives her pause enough to stay silent another minute. It's valid, sure, she can admit that. But-]

How long has Sam been addicted? Did you ever ask for help?

It had been two years before we arrived here that he became addicted to the demon blood.

[He won't bother to explain immediately how Sam had tried angel blood, or how the agreements with Crowley and then himself came about. Mary's last question is difficult to answer, because he doesn't think she'll like it.]

No.

[But what were they supposed to do? Say 'oh, Sam's addicted to demon blood' and expect someone to solve the problem instead of deciding the solution was to kill Sam?]

[She just stares at him for a while, choking on some suffocating mix of anger, shock, and raw grief before just up and yelling at him out of seemingly nowhere.]

WHY?! What were you THINKING?

I was trying to protect him.

[The yelling is a shock, her voice too loud against his senses, the sudden shift in tone sending a jolt of adrenaline through him. But he doesn't shrink back, or back down; he'd made the decision he'd thought was right at the time. It turns out it had been wrong, Castiel had probably just fallen for an addict's con, but the intent had always been there. Castiel had been trying to protect the closest friend he had, out of terrible fear of losing him to something Castiel could prevent.]

[She falls quiet just as suddenly, clamping her mouth shut like she's in pain. God, it makes sense. A horrible kind of sense.]

Well, you have more right to be protective of him than I do.

[They've known each other for years, this angel and the stranger they tell her is her son. Mary's just an interloper. She covers her mouth with her hand again, trying to get a grip and keep it. Cas looks awful, god, not just physically but emotionally, too, and with every passing second that she looks at him it pounds in her mind that this was Sam. Sam did this. Her baby, a monster.]

God, I'm so sorry.

You have a right.

[He says quietly; that isn't what this is about at all. He knows Mary has plenty of reason to care, just like Castiel himself had taken to the two initially, though duty that then developed into more. But Castiel indeed knows Sam better, or at least thought he did.]

There is no reason to be. This is partially my own doing. I made a mistake.

[He can't stop himself from admitting these things, somehow not wanting to talk at all and wanting to not stop talking all that the same time.]

Yeah, but you didn't deserve this. He's your friend- he's.

[She wants to say something else, something assertive, but realizes abruptly that she doesn't know Sam well enough to talk about what he's like. She has no idea who or what he is anymore, or what kind of person he really is. For all she knows, he's always been a sadist hiding it well.]

He's like this partly because of me. I keep thinking that I should have noticed something, or realized he was acting weird- that someone could have stopped this before you ended up... here.

There was nothing you could have done.

[It's quiet, but certain.]

You did not know what signs to watch for. Those that did didn't recognize it until very recently, and it wasn't... It wasn't something that could have been simply stopped.

[That had been the whole issue. This had looked like the only choice, and Castiel isn't entirely certain it wasn't.]

[Her shoulders slump a little and she tiredly pulls up a chair. It's better somehow than standing over him.]

I know. Logically, I know it's not my fault here, but... Sam's different, isn't he? He was even before he became addicted.

[And once again, Sam's awful words are rolling around in her head. That she did this to him, because of the deal, because of the demon. Mary desperately doesn't want to believe him, because-

-because demons lie.]

Cas. [So quietly.] What did the demon do to him?

[Castiel watches her, sinking back against the pillows a bit more, exhausted. At her question though, he knows he should answer, despite the still present desire to protect Sam's secrets.]

He infected him with demon blood.

[She sinks down, head in her hands, with a long sigh. Taking that deal, why did she take that deal?]

What did he used to be like? If he's been addicted all this time- I don't really know him. At all. Can you tell me what... what kind of person he is?

Not like this.

[That response is easy and immediate, but describing Sam isn't. It difficult for Castiel to analyze and pick out traits, and he has to really think; he has to compare Sam to others, to remember specific instances. One of those instances he thinks might describe Sam to her better than any particular aspects of him that Castiel might be able to name.]

A week before I came here, I learned something... Upsetting. I became very drunk for the first time, and then Sam needed my assistance with something, and I went to speak with him.

[The conversation is kind of amusing in hindsight now that he can recognize such.]

He was... Extremely patient, even when I was less than kind to him. After a fight with the Whore of Babylon, I was severely injured for a time, and he stayed with me until I recovered.

[Dean had run out on both of them, to go say yes to Michael, and they'd both been distressed and concerned, and yet Sam had still stayed with him and then they'd worked together to find Dean.]

[Mary wipes away a tear - christ, when did she start crying? - and nods in acknowledgment.]

He came for me my first night here. This whole time, he's been the one who was there for me, between Dean, and- and John. [She doesn't even have to explain that one.] The thought that he's been different this whole time... that maybe I don't know him at all.

[Shaking her head.] I guess he hid it pretty well if he fooled even you.

Sam has been himself much of the time he has been here, at least essentially, the last month not withstanding.

[There have been times in which his behavior has been erratic, there was the incident in August... But for the most part, Sam had been Sam until New Year's.

He shakes his head just slightly at her last comment.]

I was willfully ignoring the changes.

[Regular Sam would have never refused to cut back the amount. Regular Sam would've noticed how sick Castiel had been getting even before that point.]

Be fair to yourself, Cas. [Looking up to meet his eyes for the first time in a while.] After what you two've been through, most people would do the same in your shoes. We all see what we want to see in the people we care about.

[And damn the truth. It's why her marriage is failing. It's the reason for everything.]

[He nods slightly; he knows this. He knows, on some level, that he had been clinging to Sam in place of Dean, because even both times Dean had been here Castiel hadn't had a connection with him. Just Sam.

But still...]

I should have known better.

[It had been his responsibility to control this, and he hadn't.]

Cas, the "shoulds" will kill you.

[While she drowns under them. Hypocrite.]

That isn't possible.

['Shoulds' can't kill anyone.]

[Just patting your hand now. Sob, how can you make her smile and be adorable even now.]

It's a figure of speech. It means that thinking about "should" and "could" will just drag you down. You can't torment yourself like that.

Oh.

[That makes more sense, at least. He gives a glance toward her hand on his, then back up at her.]

But considering past mistakes is how one learns from them.

You're right. Just be careful not to overdo it. You won't learn anything from trapping yourself in guilt.

[The Winchester pastime.]

[He won't learn anything no matter what he does, really, and he shouldn't delude himself.

He tried to shove that thought away, and nods slightly at Mary's words.]

There are more pressing things to focus on.

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How can you end my affliction

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