This is how it feels When the trust you had is broken

[chiefdefense]

Who: Diego Armando (beenwaitinglong) and Mia Fey (chiefdefense).
When: Evening on the 22nd, after this.
Where: Diego's apartment.
Summary: After Diego is taken ill, Mia learns exactly how much has been kept from her and she is not. Happy.
Warnings: Angst and heated words

[By the time Mia gets off the NV from Dr. Banner, she feels completely sick to her stomach and that same, dread sense of unease that she had hoped never to have to feel again in association with Diego. The news that he had had some sort of seizure on the train on his way home is so shockingly unexpected that it makes her head spin and suddenly she's 23 again, getting bad news from a stranger, but this time she has no explanation for it and she's not about to wait for one.

As soon as he gets home they're going to the emergency room, because healthy men do not suddenly collapse on trains and start fitting and she knows that with Maya and Phoenix gone, she absolutely cannot afford to lose Diego.

Not again.

To distract herself, she sets about petting Mir and listens out for the sound of Diego's key in the door.]

Comments

[chiefdefense]

People know?

[The words hit her like ice water and suddenly, just like that, she's angry.

People know and she didn't. He kept it from her, and he was doing it on purpose.

She is very proud of her self control that she's able to get her tone calm at this point.]

Who else knows Diego?

[beenwaitinglong]

Yes. People know.

My doctor knows. Re-l knows. Maya and Wright and Edgeworth knew. Jake knows.

[He closes his eyes beneath the visor and turns away from her again, facing the bedroom window and placing a hand on the sill.]

But only by necessity. Because it's hard to pretend everything's all right when they watch me almost die.

[chiefdefense]

But you weren't ever going to tell me. You've been lying to me. You've been leading me on and pretending that everything's okay, and I've been making a fool of myself-

[She is absolutely furious.]

I can't believe you'd willfully hide something like this from me, I asked you what was wrong the day I got here and you lied to me! You-

[She is so angry that she's shaking.]

I knew something was wrong, but silly me, I thought that whatever it was you would tell me when you were ready, but if it was only ever going to be out of necessity-

Damn it, I'm your girlfriend, isn't that necessity enough?

[beenwaitinglong]

[Well yes. Yes, he has. And he has no good excuse for it, only his own pathetic rationalizations that he knows she won't buy. He lowered his head, as though her words are a wait on them.

His words still have fire to them, though more of desperation than anger.]

I was trying to protect you. I was trying to be the same man you loved back then. I didn't want you to treat me like the rest of them do, I didn't want you to worry every time you look at me!

Can't you understand why?

[chiefdefense]

Stop protecting me! I don't need to be protected, I can make up my own mind and if I make up my mind to worry about you then I am damn well going to worry about you, and you have made me worry by keeping things from me!

Do you think I didn't know that you'd be different after you woke up? I had to sit there, for hours, as doctor after doctor told me what you would and would not be able to do if you ever woke up, and they never ever let me forget that it was an if, not a when. But you know what, it didn't matter because anything was a better alternative to being told that you were dead and that I needed to come and identify your body. Do you have any idea-

[And now she's crying, and she hates herself for this because now is not the time that she wants to look weak in front of him, but she's just that upset.]

Do you have any idea how much I hated people trying to candy coat things to make the bad news easier to swallow? You were alive, they'd already told me the worst and you came back. Anything they had to say after that was better so don't-

[She swallows and carries on.]

Don't you dare tell me you're protecting me. You're not. You're making this a hundred times worse by lying to me.

[beenwaitinglong]

[Oh, this hurts. He doesn't want to hear about that time- he doesn't want to hear about how much pain he caused her. He always knew he did, but just the knowledge was enough. His own imagination could make up how horrible it must have been for her, stuck playing caretaker and decision-maker for his corpse, he didn't need to hear the reality of it.

He clutches his hand to his face again, as though he's going to cry, but the visor's in the way.]

And how do you think it's been for me?! How do you think it was to close my eyes one minute and wake up the next to find out I'm a goddamned anomaly of a medical statistic? To be reminded of it every morning when I open my eyes and I remember I can't see?

[He turns around finally, emotional enough again that he can disguise it as anger.]

You act like it should be easy for me to tell you! To admit it! To admit it to you that the man you loved turned into this! This... this pale, feeble, metal-faced freak.

[There is hatred in those words, bitter and dark, expertly laced in as though he's used to expressing it in them.]

[chiefdefense]

[She flinches at the pain and venom in his words, but it's not enough to get her to drop it.]

I don't care, I don't care if you're riddled with every damn affliction in the book, anything is better than having you dead and me not having any explanation for it! Do you really think it matters to me if you're sick, do you really think any of that makes a difference to how I feel about you? I have no idea what it feels like because you've not even given me an inkling of what you're going through, and now you're telling me all this like I'm supposed to know how hard this is for you? How hard do you think it is for me, Diego? Tell me. Do you think it's easy to listen to you calling yourself a metal-faced freak and hear that your body's breaking down? But you should have told me, you should have told me weeks ago. Anything is better than having you lie to me.

[beenwaitinglong]

[It seems he has nothing to say to that. He leans back against the wall behind him, almost in a slump, saying absolutely nothing. His body shudders, choking down a sob. No. No, he won't insult them both by losing control now.]

[chiefdefense]

[That hurts, because she can't look at him like that, she knows he's upset but she's too upset herself to offer him comfort.

She feels useless, she's watching him pull away from her and it hurts, because this time he's doing it willingly and it hurts her just as much as it did when it wasn't his fault and he was untouchable in a hospital bed.

Maybe it even hurts more.]

I can't do this. I just- what am I supposed to do here? You won't let me help, you won't tell me anything, what the hell is there here for me?

[beenwaitinglong]

[Those words feel like they're hooking into his chest and pulling him open. It hurts. Because he has no idea what to answer her.

What was here for her anymore? Where was the strong, confident man she fell in love with? Who was this stranger wearing his name and his skin? Wouldn't the man who loved her be able to trust her, to know she would still feel the same way, to offer his weaknesses to her without fear?

His arms wrap around his chest and his face lowers, the visor the only part she can see.]

I don't know.

[He shudders again, but the emotion is apparent in his voice as he gestures to himself.]

This.

[As though it is some sick, ugly thing. A burden to take on above anything else.]

[chiefdefense]

[Mia doesn't know what to do or say, how to even react to that. He's hurting and it's because of her but she's hurting too.]

If you don't know then I guess I'm never going to.

[beenwaitinglong]

[Now someone's added a knife to the hooks, and they're twisting it. And what's worse is that he knows she has every right. She is beyond justified.

This is all his fault.

He keeps his head lowered, pressing his hand to the front of his visor. He can feel tears welling up in his eyes, and his chest shudders, a few more sobs choked down inside it.

He can't think of a damn thing to say.]

[chiefdefense]

[She waits, she waits for him to say something, anything, but nothing comes. She feels like she's about to burst into ugly, awful tears and it's only by balling her hands into fists, letting her nails bite into her palms so she can focus on that instead, that she keeps herself from breaking down.]

[beenwaitinglong]

[She might be doing better than him. He finally lets out one of those sobs, covers his mouth with his hand and shakes his head. He doesn't even know what at.

Finally he pushes away from the wall and heads back over to the bed, sinking down on it, decisively facing away from her. His voice is shaking as he speaks.]

I've always been good at making you cry, haven't I?

[chiefdefense]

[He turns his back to her and Mia suddenly feels sick. She wants to scream at him to stop trying to push her away, stop hiding things from her, to just stop being so damn stupid and let her know everything because she can't bear to be excluded from his life this way.

But she doesn't. She has every right to but she doesn't have the energy for it.]

Yeah. And it looks like you're not going to stop that anytime soon.

[beenwaitinglong]

[That was the knife being yanked out, turned and jammed back in.

And he deserves it. He absolutely, 100% deserves it.

His lips twist, unable to hold back the sob this time. With his effort it comes out strangled and wrenching, and once it breaks free he can't stop a few more just like it. The tears are escaping now, making his face hot beneath the visor.

Well, here's another first. Mia has never, not even once seen him cry.]

[chiefdefense]

[It is agonising to see him cry, and Mia can't take it. He's crying? Well good. He should, and she should be furious with him for doing it, but it just makes the pain in her chest hurt worse before and she can't stay there and watch him cry.

She turns and rushes out, narrowly avoiding Mir on her way, snatches up her purse and lets the door to the apartment slam behind her before she bursts into tears in the stairwell.]

[beenwaitinglong]

[You deserve it.

He keeps hearing that voice in his head. You deserve it. You're a liar. A two-faced filthy liar

He hears the door slam and he falls to his side on the bed, pulling off his visor and letting it drop. She's gone.

And why shouldn't she be? If all he'll do is hurt her-- hurt her deep, time and time again, through his own arrogance and his own stupidity and his own inability to accept his rightful fate...

Maybe it's good that she is.

Because he doesn't deserve her.]