sirenspull_logs | I listen to my heart, and all I hear is my body dying

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I listen to my heart, and all I hear is my body dying

Who: Nill & Gilbert
When: Sometime around noon on the 1st? maybe earlier, idk.
Where: Probably somewhere near where Gil works.
Summary: Nill's been out all night and all day when she starts seeing things in reflections. She reacts violently! Gilbert notices this and comes to the rescue. The term "rescue" is used very loosely here.
Warnings: Guns and graphic descriptions of corpses.

[Nill thought she was seeing things at first. It was the most reasonable explanation - almost twenty hours since Yosuke had disappeared (if not longer), and she'd begun to see things. It wasn't that hard to believe, as much as she would have liked to deny it. Even a telepath didn't have a perfect mind; the only surprising thing was the speed with which her descent hit her.

She tried to ignore them at first. It was easy enough; don't look at any windows, just look to the sides, keep moving because she needed to find him. It was easy, until Nill rounded a corner, and Yosuke was staring back at her.

It wasn't the boy who'd spent the past year at her side, though. He was older, and full of a million holes, gashes and cuts and bullets and rotting right to his core. A different person might not have been able to recognize him, but Nill had spent nearly three years with that boy. Of course she knew him. The older Yosuke stared from the large window pane with blank eyes, begging Nill to give him back his ripped apart soul.

Horrified, Nill stumbled back, falling to the ground. No. No, no, no, this wasn't happening, it wasn't him, it couldn't be him because he wasn't the right person anymore, she didn't want him! She wanted Yosuke, not some awful person that had never cared about her at all--

If Nill could, she'd scream. Instead, she fumbles for one of the two guns at her hips, and starts emptying a round of bullets into the window in broad daylight.]

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[People have scattered; run from the blond girl who's still dressed like she should be out at night instead of day. All of her clothing is black and her hair is tied up, but even then her wings are pretty unmistakable, even if they're snapped shut against her back right now.

The shots have gotten more erratic by the time that Gilbert shows up; more windows have been gunned down, and Nill's still on the ground, head turning wildly between every reflective surface. No-- no, this wasn't happening, it had to stop, she need to make it stop, stop it--

Nill doesn't register the voice, or the fact that it's familiar. All she hears is someone yelling, getting closer, and she scrambles to her feet, raising her own gun immediately. Though her hands shake and tremble, her overall aim isn't off, and her finger just barely hovers over the trigger.

Her eyes are wild, and it takes her a second longer than it should to realize she actually knows this person she's pointing her gun at.

She's stumbled far back enough though that she's standing next to another window - and in it, Gilbert should be able to see her reflection, if he's looking. It's covered in blood; huge gashes running along one side from the heartless attack, with blood dripping onto the ground. It has no fingers, even though her gun is still there in the reflection. One of it's legs is missing too, and the other is barely holding on. One of it's eyes appears to have been popped, too, not to mention it generally looks like a rotting corpse.]

[The people scattering stay far enough away from him that he has no problem walking through the middle of the crowd to get closer to the shooter, get a better look at them. The wings are the first thing that he recognizes, even closed off the way that they are. It can't be her, he thinks, and by the time she's turned around he's convinced himself that it can't be. But there's her face, one he recognizes all too well. One of the first people to speak to him when he arrived here, one of the only people that he truly trusts with all his heart.

It's only because of that fact that he lets his gun lower slightly, though it's still pointed in her direction as he plants his feet and stays a safe distance away from her. Briefly, he glances at the ground to make sure that no one has been injured nearby, and catches sight of all the shattered glass. Like everyone else, she'd seen something...something that needed to be destroyed.]

Nill - [He looks back up at her, and finally catches her reflection. That grotesque rotting reflection of a body long since decomposed and destroyed. His eyes go wide as he stares, unable to look away from it.]

[Nill's breathing is heavy and erratic as she stares at Gilbert, though her shoulders are hunched; everything in her body language speaks of anger and horror, except for the fact that she's favoring one side over the other. All this movement is making her wounds hurt, though she's only distantly aware of it through the adrenaline. It's only important enough for her to care about because there's no way she's going back to the hospital when she's otherwise fine.

Despite herself though, she can't take her eyes off of Gilbert. Maybe she's too afraid to; there are puddles and windows everywhere, and nothing on Gilbert is reflective. Her gaze flickers between Gilbert and the gun in her hand, as if she just isn't sure what to do. She hasn't hurt anyone, though - scared people, sure, but the worst that's happened is that someone got cut by broken glass.

Gilbert isn't looking at her, though. He's looking to her side, and Nill makes the mistake of glancing there--

It's Naruto this time. His reflection isn't as bad as Yosuke's had been, but he's still there, still dead, still begging Nill to give him back the soul that was ripped apart when he died for the last time. She's not seeing what Gilbert is seeing, but it's enough to startle her that she whips her gun around and shoots that window, too.]

[Even though he's shocked by the image that he's seeing, his hands don't shake, and he doesn't recoil. He remains standing his ground, and after a moment finally looks back up to the real Nill, not the rotted one in the broken reflection, just in time to watch her shoot it into even more pieces.

Shit, not good. This won't stop until she's snapped out of it, and with nothing but ghosts surrounding them, there's no telling what it'll take to make that happen.]

Nill! [He calls out her voice a little more urgently and rushes forward this time. His gun is still in his hand, but he lets it hang at his side as he runs towards her.]

Don't look at it! Close your eyes!

[She doesn't hear him. Or if she does, she doesn't pay attention, because her gaze has drifted to a parking toll machine and she shoots at that, too; the bullet gets embedded in the machine instead of ricocheting off, but it does enough to disturb the reflection that she doesn't need to shoot more.

But there's glass on the ground all around her, and it keeps reflecting images up at her that she doesn't want to see. Can't deal with seeing. Nill sucks in a wheezing breath, because it feels like she can't breath, and starts crunching the glass under her feet to shatter it further; she's still wearing the boots she wears out at night, too.

She can't close her eyes. They'll still be there if she closes her eyes. She has to destroy them, set them all free again. This-- this is too cruel. She can't deal with it.]

Damn it-!

[He knows better than to get between a person and a bullet, but at the same time, he has the added bonus of knowing that even if she shoots him, he won't die. Unless the Core has decided to take that power away from him somehow, or his body chooses at this moment to give up, he doesn't fear her weapon. He still stays a safe distance away from her, several feet, but he moves to face her directly.]

Nill, look at me this time! Not at the glass!

[Nill would be alarmed to hear all of those things - but right now, she's not paying attention. She's too busy trying to crush every shard of glass underfoot, every little bit that can reflect back at her, every screaming face that she can't help and couldn't help and would never be able to help.

There's another bit of glass still in the window frame that Nill raises her gun to without thinking about it, so desperate to make the images go away and the screaming in her head stop, but when she does this time she freezes. It's not Naruto or her senpai staring back at her this time - not the man who was on fire of the one full of bullet holes, or even the man with the wrench in his hand, who Nill was sure she had lived with, once upon a time.

This time the person staring back at her is Shika, and Nill feels instantly sick at the sight of him. His body is mangled and half robotic, completely different from the way he'd looked when he was alive, but Nill recognizes him instantly. How could she ever not recognize Shika? It's what he always looked like on the inside.

Her whole body is shaking now, and Nill lifts a hand to the side of her head, while she tries to steady the other hand. She tries desperately to pull the trigger, she tries everything in her power to will herself to do so, because this time she should be able to, she should be able to do this for him, to make the world stop hurting so much, but she can't. She tries and she tries and she can't, and in her frustration she ends up shooting at a puddle that's reflecting Yosuke back at her, even though her eyes never leave that large shard of glass. Nill can't shoot it, and she hates herself for it just as much as she did the last time.

Finally, Nill lifts her head - it's hard to say if she only just now heard him or not, because it's the first time she's reacted to what he said. She wheezes, inhaling a shuddering breath, and lets it out just as shakily.]

Shi... Gilbert?

[He winces at the next shot and takes another step closer. His shadow isn't falling long enough to obscure every puddle around them, but it still dims more of the weak midday light the closer he gets. Realizing that he still has the gun in his hand, he briefly holds it out towards her so that she can see it before tossing it down the ground, out of his reach. But he does make the mistake of watching it fall into a puddle, the ripping reflection of the little girl he'd watched pulled into the Abyss back home pleading up at him. Oz had begged him to help that girl, but her time was up. It had been too late...

He winces, forces himself to look away, and with his hands empty he steps forward again.]

-It's only me. Are you hurt?

[Nill looks at his hand as he holds it out, and surprise doesn't register on his face until he actually drops it. Why was he..?

But then Nill realizes that she still has the gun in her hand, and her knuckles are white around it. She stares down at the gun she's been holding onto like a lifeline - one Shika used to use, in fact - and uncurls her fingers from around it. It takes her a few more seconds before she actually drops it, but she does eventually.

Her gaze drifts back to the window though, and it's still Shika there, staring back at her with one robotic eye and one cyborg one. Sometimes when she tries to sleep she can still hear him begging her to come find him.

She looks back at Gilbert quickly, because it hurts too much to look at the broken image of Shika on the window. Her hands are full if minor cuts and scrapes, and there's probably a nick or two on her cheek, but otherwise, she looks okay. Maybe slightly beat up from being out all night and not fighting properly, but no worse for the wear overall.

The hand that had been against the side of her hand comes down to cover her mouth, and Nill chokes back another wheezing breath. She'd just had her gun pointed at him, hadn't she?]

I didn't-- I wouldn't--

I'm so sorry...

It's okay.

[He speaks as loudly as he dares, but he still keeps a short distance of space between them. He doesn't want to startle her any further, and though the threat of being shot is gone, the reflections of the dead are still all around them. From the corner of his eye, he's sure that he sees Elliot's profile, but he refuses to look down. He's already seen his dead brother several times today, surrounded by the other four Nightray siblings that passed before him.

Carefully, he extends a hand to her.]

Nill, come with me. We have to go.

[No doubt someone has called the police by now.]

I can't.

[She inhales sharply, and it sounds kind of like a short sniffle. She's trying to calm herself down, but her heart is racing, her head pounding, and she can see eyes out of the corner of her eyes no matter where she looks.]

I have to find Yosuke. I can't.

I-- last time it only took an hour to find him. I even got through when he was in the hunting grounds. But I can't find him.

[Though judging by the way she's begun to tear up, it's pretty obvious... she already knows he's gone.]

I have to find him...

Yosuke?

[He hasn't heard from him yet today either, but he'd assumed that he was having as much trouble with seeing the people of his past dead just as everyone else was. That or he was just sleeping in, which was also a normal enough of an occurrence for Gilbert not to worry about it.]

What's happened to him?

I don't know.

[She shakes her head, and bends down for her gun again - just so she can put it back in the holster at her side. She doesn't get up right away though, distracted by more shards of glass on the ground beneath her.]

His NV won't connect, but that can't be right-- I know it's wrong, but I can't find him anywhere. I looked all night and all morning and I can't find him. I should be able to find him.

[Then he really is gone...

The familiar feeling of grief takes over and clenches at his heart as he watches her kneel down on the ground. Without a word, he drops down to one knee as well, not even noticing that he's ground his knee into a broken piece of glass, and reaches out to grab hold of both her shoulders. Strained:]

If he's not here, then there's no point in looking anymore.

[Nill doesn't start when Gilbert grabs her shoulders - she just stares at the shards of glass under her, her own palms and fingers pressed against the ground now. Holding herself up is so hard sometimes. When she lifts her head to look up at Gilbert, there are tears in her eyes.]

I have to look for him. I promised I would wake him up.

If he were still here, you'd have found him by now.

[A few people look out from behind the nearby buildings, watching the two of them curiously. Gil wonders for a moment if he should stand up and yell at them to leave, but he doesn't want to startle her any more. He doesn't think he could work up the energy to do it either; this news of Yosuke is making him want to just sit down and not move a while.]

[She doesn't want to hear it. Nill's been avoiding thinking about it for hours, while dodging reflections and the ghosts hiding inside of them. Anything she could do, because she absolutely had to find Yosuke. What would she do without him? He actually loved her and Shika. He cared, and she loved him too, and now-- he was gone. Nothing, just like Shika and Naruto and the last Yosuke. Another fragment of a doomed world.

She slumps forward slightly, fingers curling into fists against the glass (driving shards of it further into her skin). Crying is pointless. It never brings anyone back, but it's so hard not to cry this time; especially in the wake of the ghosts of everyone else that she's lost, and knowing full well that she'd probably see Yosuke in those windows is she watched long enough, too. The one that had actually stayed with her.]

They can't all be gone...

[More than anything else, the voice conveys a sense of helplessness. The kind of thing people feel when they are completely and utterly alone.

Nill doesn't even notice the people around them, although there are sirens in the distance now. They should get moving.]

[Gilbert doesn't have the heart to say anything else. When Oz had left him, he'd broken completely, despite knowing that no amount of crying, of pleading, of screaming could bring him back any faster. He's seen nearly everyone that he holds dear to his heart arrive here only to be taken, sometimes returned, but never lasting long in this unfair, tainted world.

But the sirens at least bring him back to reality. Enough people have seen them so far, but he's not about to let her be put into a jail cell. Quickly, he reaches over to grab his discarded gun, shoves it into the holster at his thigh. This is going to hurt, and more than likely Oz will yell at him later, but it's the quickest way to get both of them out of here.

He pulls away from her, stands up long enough to step forward and then kneel back down again, this time directly behind her. One gloved hand moves up to cover her eyes while he loops one arm around her shoulders and holds her tight against him.]

Forgive me.

[He summons his Chain, and in a gentle engulfment of black feathers and loud wings, Raven moves them from the middle of the chaos to an alleyway a dozen blocks away. He continues holding onto her until he's sure that they've both regained their footing from the sudden trip, several large feathers falling to the ground and landing in the nearby puddles.]

[It's never fair. It never has been, and no matter how much they want it to be, it never will be. They've both been in this city for years now, and they'll probably stay here just as long, watching everyone around them disappear over and over. Sometimes it feels to Nill like they're being punished, though she can't think of anything bad enough to warrant this treatment.

Nill doesn't notice when he stands - only when he's behind her, and suddenly she can't see. Panic wells up in her chest for a moment, but this is Gilbert; Nill trusts him more than she trusts most people, or has ever trusted people outside of her family (that she can remember). So she does her best to calm her suddenly pounding heart, and holds still, though her hands fly up to hold tightly to the arm around her shoulders; no doubt getting some blood on his coat in the process thanks to the glass.

She's still rigid by the time she can feel her feet properly on the ground again, and she doesn't let go of Gilbert's arm. The experience was strange enough and jarring enough that she's mostly back to her senses, at any rate.]

What was that..?

Raven -

[He gasps in sharply then, as though he's in pain, but it's brief. Using Raven, as always, is exhausting. But the lightheaded feeling will only last a moment, more than that, he needs to tend to her hands and keep her away from the brighter half of this alleyway. They're nearby a garbage dumpster, which isn't exactly the most preferential location, but at least there aren't any obvious windows out here. As long as they don't look downwards into the dark puddles, they should be able to avoid most of the stares of the dead for now.

He clears his throat and steps away from her, hand falling away from her eyes, but still letting her hold onto his arm is she needs.]

My Chain. Sorry, I just didn't want the police to get there first. We won't be able to do anything from a cell.

[Nill does still hold on to his arm - but it's in part because she turns her head to look at him as soon as he gasps, because that sure sounds like he's in pain. She looks obviously worried, though the tears that were in her eyes have spilled onto her cheeks since their departure of the street they were on before. No more fall for the moment however, and she gives him a quick look over.]

Are you--

[Nill stops, though, as her eyes go wide and she looks back up at his face.

She knows that word and what it means. Gil was the one that had taught her it. The one she'd seen all those kids and adults through, swallowed into the Abyss, screaming and crying. So many people with sad endings that could never be rewritten.

And Gilbert... he knew the price of absolute devotion not because he'd seen it in others, or even just because it was something he understood... but because he was paying it himself.

For a moment the gravity of that knocks the wind out of her lungs, and she needs to concentrate on her feet to make sure she doesn't stumble. But in the same breath that she draws back into her lungs, she remembers his promise. It wasn't forever that he promised - he couldn't promise that - but it was better than anything else she had left, and she'd completely forgotten about it. He hadn't, though. Not even when she had her gun pointed at him.

It's with another shaky exhale that Nill quickly wraps her arms around Gilbert in a hug.]

Thank you.

[He's still catching his breath, but the strain on his body is starting to fade as Raven's influence loosens its grip on him. It wasn't a long distance; the Core has more to do with the extra stress than Raven himself. Though, he's still not entirely prepared for the hug that she gives him, but that's...only because he never expects human contact that doesn't end in a cane to the back of his knees or a punch to the face. Because Gilbert has the best friends ever.

He returns the embrace with one arm, resting carefully across her shoulders as though he's worried that he'll break her if he holds on too tightly. He wants to ask more about Yosuke, but for now he only gives her comforting silence.]

[It's all she can really do to keep from crying. Just hold on to Gilbert and try to calm herself. It doesn't work entirely well - there's only so much she can do in the wake of this loss and the ghosts everywhere, but it's enough.

She's alone now - completely and utterly alone, for the first time in four years - but at least Gilbert understands why she's alone. He'll understand no matter what she does.

It takes her a long moment to actually let go of Gilbert, but she pulls away after a little bit. Her eyes are red and exhausted, but otherwise there's no indication that she's cried anymore, even though her hands are still trembling faintly.]

[There are no words of encouragement that he can give that she hasn't already heard. 'Maybe someday they'll be back' or 'next time things will be different' or 'when you leave here, you won't remember anything so it won't have to hurt you anymore'. Words like that are meaningless because they don't solve anything. Hope is useless without action, and loss of that hope is worse than death.

He reaches out and places a hand on the back of her head, comfortingly, he hopes.]

Nill...

[He glances down to her trembling hands, finally noticing the cuts on them, though he doesn't notice the stain on his jacket at all.]

Your hands -

[They're all bullshit excuses, and if it was anyone but Gilbert right now, Nill would probably hit them for thinking any of those things. But they're only words, and Gilbert doesn't believe them anyway.

Nill glances down when Gilbert does, and she seems as surprised by the cuts on her hands as he does. She quickly closes her fingers into fists though, as if that will make them seem less noticeable.]

It doesn't hurt.

[Though from the looks of the cuts, they'll probably scar.]

[Even if it doesn't hurt now, she's still obviously too shaken to notice it properly. After everything she's been through here, he's not surprised at all that something like this would destroy her completely. But he knows better than to take her back to the hospital if it's possible to avoid it; the people in this world, in this time, are too quick to pump a person full of medication and hope that it cures them. She doesn't need to be more numb right now.

He moves to stand at her side, still supporting her gently.]

We should still get it cleaned up. The bakery is close by, I'll take care of you.

[And then awkward backpedaling:]

-It! I'll - I'll take care of it...

[Destroy her? Maybe. Nill is still looking at her hands, as if that will make them stop bleeding somehow. It doesn't hurt at all, so it's hard to believe the blood is her own. She almost wishes it did hurt.

No. More than that, she wishes she was in the hospital. She wishes she was hurt and tired and drugged, and she could barely feel a thing except a strange amount of happiness when people actually visited; Gilbert brought flowers, and Dave played music until she fell asleep, and Yosuke--

Yosuke was actually there, and she'd give the world, anything, her fingers and legs and sight and everything, if it meant he would be there again. If she could bring him back and see him smile.

Giving those things is no good though, because the only being she knows would take them can't bring him back for her.

But Gilbert has said something strange, and Nill is distracted from her thoughts to look up at him. She doesn't understand why what he said was strange; Gilbert has always looked after her when she's come to him. He's always been a good friend, and she doesn't understand why the statement is strange.

She's grateful however, as much as she can be right now.]

Thank you.

Mm.

[He's a little mortified by his slip, but maybe not for the same reasons that Nill might suspect. Actually, he's not even completely sure why he's embarrassed by it other than the wording made it sound as though it were too intimate of a situation. Of course she knows that he'll protect her at any cost, but putting it like that...

No, he's just too awkward to accept the wording there, no matter how much he means it.

He steers the both of them down the alleyway towards Funtom.]

Did you...ah, want to talk about it at all?

[Nill didn't think of it as being... intimate, really. Any other time the thought would probably embarrass her a little bit, admittedly, but right now all she sees it as is him being concerned for her. She would return the sentiment and gesture any time that Gilbert needed her to.]

...When we're off the streets. Is that okay?

[She didn't entirely trust herself to get where they needed to go if she started talking now. As they start moving, she keeps her eyes trained on the ground - until she realizes there are puddles on the ground a ways in front of her, and she looks up quickly instead. It's easier to stay calm if she digs her nails into her already cut up hands.]

[He's not sure that he'll be any help at all. Gil is well aware that he's one of the worst people to discuss problems with. Not because he lacks empathy, but only because he's terrible at expressing it out loud. Ten years ago, it was easy to wear his heart on his sleeve, but losing his young master had bottled him up too tight.]

Of course. If you need -

[He notices her eyes flick upwards, and immediately he realizes what she's looking at. He frowns and holds her closer to him, one hand reaching out to gently take her chin and tilt her face towards his shoulder.]

Don't look down. I'll watch the ground for the both of us.

[She's not sure how much she likes the way she's being touched right now - it's a little too familiar (mostly the hand on her chin), and it makes her tense up a little, but otherwise... a few years ago she would've reacted much worse. She's getting a bit better, and she's grateful for that much. Nill averts her gaze so that she's looking at Gilbert's jacket. After a moment, she closes her eyes instead.]

Okay.

[Despite the blood, she curls her fingers into his jacket and holds on tightly. She really does trust Gilbert more than he knows to let him do this for her.]

[He's quick to move his hand back away from her face, but keeps the one arm still secured around her shoulders. The faces of dead illegal contractors still stare up at him from the puddles, and from the edge of a metal garbage can he sees a number of Pandora agents that he's watched die over the years. His peers that he couldn't save, or were simply too foolish to go up against the wrong Chain.

But at the edge of the alleyway, another group of sorrowful faces stares up at him. The Pandora agents that he had killed. He hadn't had a choice that day; the other men had been controlled by Doldum, the Baskerville Chain's marionette strings moving their arms and legs for them, forcing them all to advance upon Gilbert all at once. He'd only needed to fire once upon all of them, the shots landing perfectly every time. He hadn't had time to mourn them; he'd barely even thought about them all these years, but for some reason seeing them now is a painful reminder of the cruelty that he's learned in the last decade.

She might not have her eyes open, but she'll be able to hear a short, pained exhale of breath as he slows his pace slightly and peeks out around the corner towards the street. There's no time to let himself be consumed by those painful memories now, he has the more important task of getting her inside safely first.]

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I listen to my heart, and all I hear is my body dying

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