sirenspull_logs | I'm a hazard to myself

Entry tags:

I'm a hazard to myself

Who: Sasuke, Frau, Frau's roommates if they want to pop in.
When: February 6th/7th, midnight/early morning
Where: Frau's apartment in sector 5
Summary: After this debacle, Sasuke goes looking for help in low places.
Warnings: Painful awkwardness, foul language.

The last time he'd been in this position, standing outside a door with his fists clenched at his sides trying to force himself to knock, had ended up being the catalyst to the world as he knew it crashing down around him.

It was taking everything he had not to run in the opposite direction--slip inside the apartment in sector eight as though nothing had happened. Pretend he didn't know the significance of the date; forget he'd even considered asking for help, let alone chasing it to sector five well after dark. Warsman wouldn't mind--would probably be too busy making them dinner, or writing his own cards, or maybe falling for the soppiness in the air and bringing back flowers.

No. He wouldn't mind, but Sasuke would never stop mentally kicking himself for lying. Coming up short. Taking without giving anything back.

"Damn it," he hissed, and pounded three times at the door. "Frau. Open up."

(The thought passed through his head that if his twelve year old self came across him now, he'd be dead in less than a minute. A melodramatic but apt example of his self-hatred.)

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The table. Right. It was welcome not only as a place to sit after being on his feet for the past six hours, but as something to do and give him an excuse to avoid eye contact. Fuck.

They should have covered this in the academy. Granted, he'd never thought he'd have to learn anything about it; Uchiha marriages were arranged, and as the last clan member all he'd worried about before had been genetics. Half of him wanted to go back to it--toss his hands in the air and flee from the whole thing, refocus on family and forget any of this had ever happened. The other half, though...

The other half remembered the sound of a tinny voice that somehow conveyed more emotion than any he'd heard, being lifted up so easily it was as though he weighed nothing, falling asleep to a strong and steady heartbeat under his ear.

"Wrestling and borscht," he answered to Lab, the tea a welcome diversion, although it would be a miracle if the embarrassment didn't show on his face like a beacon. Still, he kept his eyes on the handle of the cup. "He plays some kind of string instrument I can't pronounce. A movie called Dr. Zhivago. Reading."

Frau sat back, taking full use of the extra chair by propping his feet up, and listened quietly. He wasn't going to be very helpful with offering suggestions for what Sasuke's boyfriend would like since he didn't know who it was. Even if he had known, chances were he'd never met the guy or at least knew little to nothing about him. The basics of an idea would have to come from Sasuke himself.

And he'd just provided one that had some potential. As an added bonus, it had potential for more than just giving his boyfriend something nice. They could have snuggle time and perhaps a bit more depending on how Sasuke played it.

"Why don't you stay in then? Have a movie night. Get that movie or something similar or some wrestling stuff. Make food he likes. Decorate if you think he'd be into that."

Teito stayed quiet as he listened. He really didn't know what to suggest and he really should have expected that Frau would be an expert on this kind of stuff. Then again..why did Sasuke come to Frau for advice anyway? Teito had been under the impression that he didn't like Frau very much.

Teito listened and considered those things, nodding his approval at the suggestions while making mental notes.

Labrador listened quietly and actually agrees with Frau's suggestion!

"Yes! That does sound like a good idea and so romantic~! There's nothing better than just spending a night in with just your beloved!"

Beloved--there was that word, the one that he'd swallowed down earlier. The way it made him cringe when Lab spoke it confirmed that refraining was the right choice. He was still uncomfortably hyperaware of the three sets of eyes lasered in on him, and he knew he was blushing as much as it made him hate himself for being a stupid teenager (he'd thought he was immune from this shit, how wrong he'd been; like everything in his life); he leaned forward to put his elbows on the table, laced his fingers together and put his mouth against them. A familiar position, one that had been called 'brooding' by more than one person in the past.

But it helped him think. The contact between his mouth and hands distracted him a little from swirling emotions, and provided a barrier from whatever expression he was making below his eyes, which made him feel safer, less under scrutiny.

It was this way he spoke, eyes trained on the grain wood of the table.

"We do that every night, though," he muttered. His face was hot against his knuckles. "We have dinner, I clean up, we watch a movie or read or talk, and I go to work."

As for decorating, he shook his head. "No decorating. I can only embroider, and I think it would just embarrass him anyway."

"Mn."

Frau rubbed at the back of his head, thinking. That made things a bit harder then, though there was always a way to make it work. At the moment he just had to figure out what that way was. Unfortunately that was turning out to be rather difficult.

"Okay, so maybe not decorating exactly, but what about making it more..."

Frau waves a hand around as he searches for the right word.

"Formal? Tablecloths and all that kind of stuff you'd find in a fancy restaurant."

"Can you just..make something? Don't people like things made by the ones they like even if it is really simple?" Teito wasn't talking about food but rather something that could stay around longer. A card or a trinket..Teito didn't really know what Sasuke was capable of doing but certainly there was something.

"People just want to spend their day with the ones they care about. It shouldn't matter what you get him or what you do.." He knew it wasn't very helpful but he didn't understand why anyone would stress so much about a gift when the best gift was always oneself.

Labrador clapped his hands together in delight at that.

"Yes, I think Teito has a good idea there. I think he would like it if you embroidered something for him. Perhaps a little trinket that he can always keep close with him? That would be most romantic~!"

Edited 2013-02-24 16:46 (UTC)

That was an option--a handkerchief, maybe, or a satchel to store emergency supplies in--but then there was the problem of what to embroider. He could sew the Uchiha crest in his sleep, and had no doubt he could figure out how to do something else, but deciding on what that something would be was an entirely different story.

"I think formality would make him uncomfortable." Oh, Warsman would certainly try to be a gentleman if the situation called for it, and could certainly pull it off, but it would make him nervous and he was nervy enough already. "I've heard of civilians sending trinkets when their shinobi partners go to war, or on a dangerous mission--but I don't know what I'd put on it."

Initials? A heart? No--the thought made him cringe with embarrassment.

Frau leaned back and propped a foot up on the table in thought. Sure, it wasn't exactly good behavior with a guest, but he'd never really cared. If he'd thought it through though he might have avoided getting hit by Labrador. Oh well.

"It has to be something of significance to the two of you. I'd say go with something that would take some time for someone else to decipher if they could at all."

"What about a combination of your initials..or something you both like?" Teito was kind of proud of himself. Apparently his suggestion had been a good one. Maybe he wasn't so bad at this kind of stuff after all.

Of course Labrador was going to do something about that Frau foot on the table. The urge to pour hot tea on it is strong but Labrador opts to coil his vines round it instead and push it back down where it belongs, all without even looking at Frau or skipping a beat in the discussion.

"I agree. You should put something that has a special meaning for the both of you - a word or a symbol. Something that only the two of you share and that no one else knows about so that he'll think of you everytime he sees it~!"

There was a fine line between embarrassment and shame--Frau's initial suggestion began to push it closer to that line, and Lab and Teito's agreement sent it all the way over. It tugged at him, cold and mocking; this was a fucking disaster.

He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, pressing until sparks began to bloom behind his eyelids. "We don't have anything like that. Haven't really talked about day-to-day stuff."

Emotions and scarring and the meaning of bonds, loneliness and each of their histories, they'd spoken of extensively--but Sasuke didn't know what his favorite color was, or what kind of music he liked, or whether he had any hobbies.

Frau didn't think that this was a disaster at all. He also didn't think that Sasuke really understood what he'd suggested either. He could see that Sasuke was shutting down too, and that needed to be stopped. Frau reached out and gently rapped his knuckles on Sasuke's head, waiting until the kid dropped his hands and actually looked at him before he spoke.

"You already have everything you need. You've told us. You watch movies together. You eat together. Take all of those ideas of things you do together, that defines the two of you together, and come up with a picture for them. Then combine them all together."

He figured that would be somewhat confusing so he actually got up and disappeared for a moment. When he returned it was with a piece of paper and a black marker. Without a moments hesitation he started drawing. When he was done the image was generally circular with a lot of protruding edges. To most it would just be a mess, but to Frau it meant something. In fact, some of the protrusions might mean something to Teito too.

They were half images of times they'd spent together. The scythe. A window. A serving tray. A hawkzile. The church's crest. A fyuulong. All of them were there, but only identifiable to someone who was really looking and had a bit of an imagination.

"See? Something like this."

Teito leaned over with curiosity as he watched the drawing take shape. He saw each picture as it unfolded and a ping of homesickness hit him. Was this supposed to be an image for him and Frau. The thought might have embarrassed him a little if he pieced it together with the conversation they were having.

Teito wanted to reach out and take the paper, keep it as a reminder of their home but he kept his hands to himself for now. He glanced up at Frau before returning his gaze to the paper.

He stayed quiet. He had given the original suggestion but now he was more distracted by his own memories.

Labrador just watched Frau and Sasuke. He was sure Frau would be able to get through to the boy.

"Yes, you already do day-to-day stuff together and you were initially drawn together because there was something you shared in common, wasn't there?"

Sasuke remained silent but for a small grunt when Frau knocked his head, watching the pen move against the paper. He was tempted to activate the sharingan and copy the movements, but even as low and wormlike as he felt--that would be cheating.

There was nothing but the squeak of the marker for a moment, until Frau broke the quiet, and Labrador after him. Something that represented the two of them together, something they shared in common.

"Unless you count the fact that we're both orphans and can punch through a brick wall, no, not really," Sasuke replied, voice dry. He slid Frau's drawing across the table to look at it more clearly, at the lines and angular shapes that formed the circle. "And this would be hard to sew. Too much detail."

Frau hadn't even glanced at Teito after he'd made it. If the kid had asked about the drawing, he would have immediately used the excuse that it was the easiest way to give Sasuke an example. Who else did he knew well enough to combine ideas about? It meant more than that, of course, though Frau would never admit it. He could have just as easily have used Lab or Castor or even Bastien.

"I doesn't have to be that detailed. You're the one making it up. And you already have some things. The movies. The fighting. The dinners. A fork, spoon, or knife. A fist. Whatever the actual movie disk or whatever looks like."

Teito watched Sasuke closely. He wanted that picture so he was going to make sure Sasuke didn't do anything to it. He had no more suggestions to make so he merely concentrated on making sure that drawing stayed in one piece.

Labrador laughed a bit as he got up to get more tea. "Or a fist punching through a brick wall!"

It wasn't like Sasuke had any better ideas, although he did shoot a frown at Labrador's back. A spoon, a fist, a disk seemed uncreative, too obvious; their relationship was based on what they were, not what they did, and emotion wasn't something that could be depicted in an image. He chewed on the inside of his lip, looking over Frau's drawing again, the spokes of it and the circular shape.

The two of them. Something meaningful, personal. He sifted through the most vivid memories he had of the relationship--the first morning, watery blue and cold and raw, clinging to each other as though to keep from drowning; whispered conversations in almost-total darkness, tucked in a nest of blankets and creating for themselves a safe haven within the storm of constant nightmares; embracing in greeting, tinged with relief that they were both still in one piece, still here, still together.

Still fighting.

Then, suddenly, he knew--as though it had been there all along, waiting for him to bring it to the surface.

He took hold of the pen and furiously began to sketch on a blank corner. A circle. Cloud-like patterns and swirling waves. Black and white and white and black, one dark, the other light. The moon.

When it was finished, he recapped the pen and leaned back in the chair, letting his eyes slide shut.

"Koi," he said, breathlessly. "Balance and overcoming adversity. Strength and fortitude. And--"

He opened his eyes and went back to the paper, scribbling down two characters. "Koi-bito. Beloved."

Frau's face split into a slow grin. He knew the kid could come up with something on his own, he'd just needed to be pushed a bit in the right direction. What Frau hadn't expected was something at quite this level. There really seemed to be meaning behind what Sasuke had come up with. Meaning and the design was elegant.

Propping his feet up on the table, Frau tipped his chair back and crossed his arms loosely over his chest. He was rather pleased with how everything had turned out. He couldn't help it.

Teito nodded his approval of the design while casually reaching out and taking back theirs. He tried to make it as nonchalant a movement as he could. "Glad we could help a little. I'm sure he will like it."

Labrador came back with more tea and glance curiously at the design. "That is really beautiful and meaningful! I'm glad you managed to figure it out, Sasuke!" And he gave the boy a light pat on the head before going over to strike Frau's feet.

"Frau, how many time have I told you not to put your feet on the table? It's most unhygienic!"

Edited 2013-03-17 18:25 (UTC)

He couldn't help but recoil at the hand on his head, and almost snarled some kind of obscenity as an answer to Lab's cooing--but he managed to keep his mouth shut, although he did tug his sketch away from the middle of the table and prying eyes. Now that he'd figured out what symbol to use, he was itching to get up and get back to the apartment, the better to forget he'd ever been here and done this; but as frustrating as it was, he had more work to do and he knew he wouldn't be able to pull it off on his own. Staring over his own swirling lines, he began to chew on the inside of his lip, the gears of his mind whirring.

"Still too complicated," he muttered, running his finger over the outside circle. "Can't simplify or it won't look like koi, but I can't finish this in a week. Not without him seeing it." And there was still the matter of what to put it on. "Is it okay to be late with it?"

He had a feeling that Sakura or Ino would have cared, but he couldn't imagine Warsman making a fuss--and immediately a pang of guilt made him duck his head. "Fuck. I don't want to wiggle out of it, but I don't want to give him something rushed and half-assed either."

[[Based on the thread I did with Wars, there was chocolate-making involved--was thinking perhaps Sasuke ended up trying to make candies shaped like fish as a sort of preview?]]

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I'm a hazard to myself

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I had an a-ha moment so Sasuke gets one too.

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