On the first page of our story, the future seemed so bright.

[showbizpanache]

Who: Kurt and Blaine...no longer Klaine...sob
When: February 23
Where: Chuck's spare room at the HoA.
Summary: Kurt and Blaine finally reunite after shit went down.
Warnings: Talkin' about drugs and violence and stuff. Angst with a bit of hopefulness.



Honestly, Kurt was terrified.

The last time he'd seen Blaine was when he'd been crumpled on the floor, his face wet with tears and his hands sticky with blood. Numb with shock, he'd only been able to stare in disbelief at Blaine's retreating back, the denial sinking in before the anger had a chance to arrive.

And then the anger had been unleashed.

Though he felt truly guilty for what he'd said, his heart was dangling by a thread somewhere hollow, batted between genuine apology and sick resentment. He knew there was a part of him that could never really heal from the wounds that Blaine had inflicted so deeply on him--but after many years of righting wrongs and confronting the demons of the past, he'd discovered that forgiveness and compassion came far too easily to him. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a crippling flaw in character, either.

Despite the jarringly contradicting emotions raging in his heart, Kurt packed up another care package for Blaine nonetheless. He wasn't really making them as an apology, or as a way to convince Blaine that they should be together. At its core, it was a gesture of one human reaching out to help another, and that was all it really needed to be.

I'd do it for anyone, Kurt convinced himself as he carefully packed in a few of Blaine's favorite snacks along with the blanket he'd made and the books he'd bought--fantasy and romance, light and simple, a getaway--carefully boxing them up before heading to where he knew Blaine was staying.

It felt so strange, like he were visiting a stranger. It seemed impossible that he'd once been able to simply roll over in bed and see Blaine lying beside him, to approach him so easily.

It hurt. So much.

Standing at the door, he knocked several times, his heart drumming along his rib cage--still swinging between anger and forgiveness, regret and sympathy, bitterness and love.

Comments

[showbizpanache]

"No," Kurt repeated. Blaine himself wasn't upsetting him, at least. It was more like... "But I don't want to confuse you, and--"

He hesitated. Despite Kurt's attempts to be supportive, he hadn't confronted the issue of Blaine's drug use directly since he'd tipped the bottle of pills down the drain. "Are you...I mean...still?"

It wasn't his intention to trigger Blaine or rub salt in the wound, but he had to be honest with himself. If Blaine were using--if there were any drugs in the apartment at all, actually--he couldn't be there. He'd leave immediately.

[mediumdrip]

Blaine sighed and shook his head. "No," he said after a moment. He was used to people not trusting him now, but it still made him feel so pathetic. "Of course I'm not. Not after everything that happened."

[showbizpanache]

Kurt's shoulders fell as he relaxed, and a soft smile spread on his face. "I'm so happy," he said softly. "I'm so proud of you."

[mediumdrip]

Blaine didn't really feel like there was anything to be proud of. He was pathetic, weak and filthy.

"Hey," he said after a moment, rather than expressing any of those thoughts. "I'm going to go shave and get cleaned up. Will you hang around while I do that? I want to talk to you about something."

[showbizpanache]

"Sure," said Kurt, his smile disappearing. He wondered if he said something wrong. Probably. I have no idea how to handle this, after all.

"Um, I'll just...clean a bit more, or something," he said awkwardly, flapping his arms a bit.

[mediumdrip]

"Of course. Help yourself to anything that you want, okay?" Blaine offered Kurt a small smile before he got up to get clean clothes.

He cleaned up quickly, careful to shave without cutting himself. He tried not to think about what Kurt might be doing in the other room because it was too distracting.

When he was finally finished, when he looked like himself again, he moved back out to find Kurt. Despite his appearance, he held himself a little awkwardly. His arms were crossed over his chest.

[showbizpanache]

Kurt immediately pulled away from where he'd been organizing shelves, spinning around and clasping his hands behind his back. When he saw Blaine, he was in danger of simply forgetting everything that had happened over the last few weeks-- There he was, after all, the boy he loved, in all his gelled, buttoned-up, clean-cut glory.

"Hi," he said oddly. "Um... You look handsome."

[mediumdrip]

Blaine smiled a bit at the compliment. "So do you," he said softly. "Sorry. I didn't meant to make you wait, but this is serious and I didn't want to do it when I could smell myself..."

He moved to find a place to sit down and gestured for Kurt to sit too. "Get comfortable, okay?"

[showbizpanache]

"Yeah." There wasn't anything like a smile on Kurt's face anymore. It was so much easier for him to pretend, to surround himself with distractions and hide his pain, channel it elsewhere, but... This was Blaine. Blaine talked.

Slowly he sat down, his posture ramrod-straight, hands folded in his lap as he regarded Blaine nervously.

[mediumdrip]

Blaine looked over Kurt's posture and frowned with concern. "Kurt, I don't want to force you to do anything, okay? If you're not comfortable you can go at any time. You don't have to even explain yourself."

After what had happened between them, Blaine would completely understand if Kurt fled. "I wanted to talk about something that doesn't have to do with out relationship, okay? Right now we're just talking ourselves into circles, but we can focus on something productive and start making a new life for ourselves."

[showbizpanache]

"I thought your idea was wonderful," said Kurt, twisting his hands in his lap. "It'll be a good project for you, something to get you back on your feet, you know?"

Get better. Get better, Blaine, because my world is still terrifying without you and my goddamn pride won't let me admit it.

[mediumdrip]

Blaine shook his head. "Kurt, that's just it. It wasn't my idea. It was yours, remember?" He shifted a bit, feeling himself grow a little stronger as they spoke. "Did you see all the people responding to the post I made? The ones who thought bringing the It Gets Better campaign here sounded like a great idea? You were the one who originally thought of it. I just..."

He looked over to the scarf and swallowed a bit, forcing himself to calm down at bit, to not say all that he wanted to say to Kurt. "I just found I had a story to share. You were the one who inspired me to share it."

[showbizpanache]

Kurt was silent for a moment, taken aback. "I guess you're right," he said softly, looking distant as he thought about Blaine's words. He remembered the day he'd heard about the teen suicides, how devastated and responsible he'd felt, and he stared down at his hands, suddenly distraught.

"I did consider it," he continued. "I suppose I just got so caught up in everything after we..." We died.

He looked back up at Blaine imploringly. "I really inspired you?"

[mediumdrip]

Blaine pressed his hands into his legs to stop himself from reaching out to Kurt. "Of you did," he said after a moment, voice sincere. "You always do," he added quietly.

If he let that linger in the air he knew it was going to get them both into trouble, so he continued right away. "We can take everything that happened to us and put it to good use. I think that's one of the things I've learned from this whole mess. I'm not completely there yet, and I don't know when I will be, but if I can put my energy into something worthwhile...

Maybe I'll stop feeling like such a screw up and I won't be tempted to go back to them."

[showbizpanache]

How does he expect me to do this? Kurt thought suddenly, filled with unexpected anger. How does he expect me to put away my love for him? To turn it off? To put our life on hold?

He kept all of that to himself, offering instead a very plastic smile. "I want to help," he said earnestly, because he did. He wanted a lot of things. "I'd be delighted."

[mediumdrip]

Blaine tucked his lips for a moment and then nodded his head. "Did you have any ideas about how you wanted to do this?"

Blaine had his own concerns but they had more to do with their previous pattern. He was worried that if they did anything together they'd end up back in each other's arms.

Maybe there was a part of him hoping for that, but it had to be quieted. It was better that they weren't a couple.

[showbizpanache]

"Well, just like you proposed," said Kurt, nudging his chair a little closer. "Open up communication with people, encourage them to share their stories."

He had so much to tell, even before everything that had occurred in the Port. Blaine did too. As far as Kurt knew, there was no one better-equipped to handle this than the two of them.

[mediumdrip]

"I was thinking that we could even set up something somewhere. You know, like a place where someone can make the video instead of just using their NVs, but I don't know how we could do that, or even where we could."

Blaine tried not to lean closer to Kurt, but with the other boy moving closer like that the urge was stronger than before.

[showbizpanache]

"I could make an announcement over the NV," Kurt offered, and he too was feeling a sense of loss. Ordinarily he'd be sitting on Blaine's lap, not a chair a few feet away from him. They never did like being too far away from one another, not since their death.

He kept his hands tightly knotted in his lap. "I think people will want to help. They responded so well to your post, after all."

Talking about Blaine's post made Kurt's stomach flop. He hadn't mentioned it to Blaine at all, but as soon as he'd read that the other boy had even entertained the notion of taking his own life, Kurt had pulled on his coat and ran halfway down the street toward the House of Awesome before he remembered that he couldn't make things all right for Blaine anymore.

He'd hid inside a coffee shop and cried instead.

[mediumdrip]

Blaine nodded. He had felt so touched by the way that people had responded to his post. He had been in such a dark place and having so many people stand up and tell him it would be okay had been something amazing. It reminded him that not everything here was bad.

"There's the possibility that what I experienced was just a side effect of my crash, you know," he said after a moment as he peered over at Kurt. He was embarrassed, and worried. "I don't want you to think that I'm in danger, okay? I'm okay and I'm getting better every day."

[showbizpanache]

"I can't turn off my worry," said Kurt simply, shrugging and staring down at his hands. "You know that. I'm a compete and total spazz."

[mediumdrip]

"You aren't a spaz, you just care," Blaine counters quietly. "Thank you for that..."

[showbizpanache]

Kurt just nodded, lingering there for another moment before getting quickly to his feet.

"Have you eaten?" he asked. "I can try and fix you something..." He began searching the cupboards, frowning at the lack of quality ingredients he found.

[mediumdrip]

"You don't have to," Blaine said after a moment. "I'm okay. Dr. Xavier and Chuck have been making sure that I eat."

He watched Kurt, brow up a bit. "I know that being around me has to make you tense, but you don't have to keep trying to take care of everything. My room doesn't need to be cleaned and I don't need someone to cook for me."

[showbizpanache]

From the feeble, shaking place it had climbed to, Kurt's heart fell. His hand slipped from where it had reached into the cupboard, falling limply down onto the counter.

"Right," he said softly, tears beading in his eyes. "I guess you're right."