sirenspull_logs | Stranger, baby, always keep me

Entry tags:

Stranger, baby, always keep me

Who: Kurt and Blaine
When: Late tonight.
Where: Kurt and Rachel's apartment.
Summary: Kurt's slowly picking up the pieces of what he's forgotten, and in the process he realizes that he doesn't really want to.
Warnings: Talking about touchy subjects, confronting them and healing. Maybe more, we'll see.

"...if you go into your NV history, you can find posts you yourself made."

It seemed easy enough. Rachel, Blaine and Finn had done their best to fill Kurt in about everything they could, but it was all so...surface-level. It was like being told the plot of a movie or a television series. None of it stuck to heart, none of it seemed real. He was still partially convinced that he was in the midst of a particularly lengthy dream, because that was what it felt like. Nothing was sinking in at all.

It was late Sunday night, and Kurt was itching to cook something. To his pleasant surprise, all of the cupboards were fully stocked with everything he liked, everything he needed to cook dinner for at least a week. Well I always make sure I'm prepared, he thought, and wanted to scream with the insanity of it all.

You've lived here. You work as a mechanic. You gave up school. He'd almost laughed out loud, convinced they they'd been joking, because that didn't sound like him at all. Why wasn't he attending a prestigious theatrical arts school, working his way into stardom-- Why the hell was he fixing cars?

He didn't have enough fingers to count how many times he'd burst into tears over the weekend. Everything just seemed so wrong, after all. It was as though he were stepping into the life of someone he didn't know, not himself--but as of earlier that day, things had started to look up.

His calendar had a date marked Audition, after all.

One by one little things stood out to him, mementos of his past here, and things finally started to click into place. He'd found a silver ring with the word 'Courage' engraved on it, and he'd slipped it on immediately, wondering why he hadn't been wearing it before. I lose rings, he reminded himself, and he'd smiled as he examined it fondly. In his bedroom he'd also found a curious little stuffed animal, handmade and rather hideous, as well as an oversized leather jacket. It was too big to be his or Blaine's, so he assumed it was Finn's and hung it up to give to him later. That didn't really explain the plush, though, or the posters he'd found around the apartment all colorfully designed and splashed with the words Vote power, class and dignity! Baron Franz d'Epinay for Newcomer Liaison!

It was time to do it, he decided. It was time to start filling in the gaps. He sat on the couch and took out his NV, and began to search. Hours and hours passed as he scrolled through and played back countless conversations, some good and bad-- It was bizarre and otherworldly, really, to have his life played back to him, and it began to make him feel sort of sick--especially when he read conversations between him and someone named Yaha, or past conversations between him and Blaine that didn't seem right at all. Some of them were good, though. Ahiru really was a good friend and a sweet girl, and he made a mental note to call her later. And Finn had been right--Santana had been here, and she was every bit the firecracker that she always had been.

The smile faded from his face, though, when he started reading recent conversations he'd had with Blaine. Why were they texting one another instead of calling? Why had Kurt sounded so cold and angry--and why was Blaine acting so guilty? He kept on going, his stomach tightening, and it all sort of blurred together after a while-- Fight, he'd read. Hurt. Drugs--

Suddenly, he couldn't read or listen anymore. He shut off his NV and slammed it on the couch next to him, staring at the wall for a second before picking it up and turning it on again. He called Blaine immediately, hoping it was late enough that the other boy wasn't working anymore.

"Blaine? It's Kurt-- Could you come over, please? Right now. Please be careful. Thanks."

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Blaine raised his brow. "There might be things in there you don't want me to see," he said after a moment. It really hurt to admit that to this Kurt, to just say so plainly that they had things they hid from each other now.

"Please?" Kurt asked, tilting his head imploringly. "I need your help through this, Blaine, I... I really can't do this with anyone but you. I don't feel comfortable, and I can't do it alone."

He pressed his cheek against Blaine's chest. "Please."

Blaine's hand moved to pet Kurt's back. "Okay. I'll help," he agreed after a moment. "I can at least help explain things."

Kurt's face lit up. "Thank you," he said gratefully, and moved reluctantly out of Blaine's arms. He ignored the DVD as the credits rolled, hurrying to his bedroom to throw open the closet doors.

Honestly, there wasn't much-- Just boxes of things, mostly, and Kurt knelt to start going through them. One box seemed to contain books and magazines, and was slowly growing. Another seemed to be art supplies, and a container of fabric and yarn...

It was all relatively normal, until he found a small box and opened it--only to slam it closed again, turning bright pink.

"Okay!" he said shrilly. "I-- Okay! Moving on..."

It took Blaine a moment, but then he remembered what was in the box. Despite himself he chuckled softly. "You found the box Jinx gave you, didn't you? The one with the, um, toys?"

"Who is Jinx and why did she-- Oh God, never mind." Kurt closed the box tightly, his cheeks bright red. Had they actually-- No. Nononono. Time to move on.

He replaced the box--shoving it far, far back into the closet--and pulled out another. It was smaller than the rest, and was sealed up tightly. Frowning, he struggled to open it, turning it this way and that.

"Could you grab a knife or something?" he asked Blaine, examining the box up and down.

Blaine bit back his explanation, though he did manage to tell Kurt that Jinx was their friend and his boss (which probably just made it worse).

He had to admit that he was a little curious about the box too, though if it was stuck it was probably that way for a reason. He got up to get a blade for them to open it.

While Blaine was in the kitchen Kurt looked the box over, and saw something written in his own handwriting.

For when Blaine comes home.

He frowned a bit, and his heart began to race. He took the knife from Blaine and opened the box carefully, slowly pulling it open. One by one he took out each item, setting them on the carpet.

There was pair of socks that looked as though he'd knitted them himself, as well as a pair of colorful bowties. He laughed when he pulled out a floppy plush kitten that looked like he'd crocheted, as well as several CDs. Honestly, it looked as though he'd just plucked item after item over a long period of time, tossing them in the box as he bought them or made them.

Unable to speak he pulled out a note from inside, cleanly handwritten on decorative paper. Silently he read it--and for the first time, he began to feel like he knew the person whose life he'd walked into. Understood him. Was him.

Blaine was speechless. He was also very still, as if worried that moving would make this moment break or ruin it somehow. He wasn't even aware that Kurt was making things for him like this.

Despite himself he reached for the kitten. He didn't ask about the note, expecting that Kurt would share if he wanted to. "You made a scarf for me before. It saved my life."

He really wasn't sure he could share that entire story though so instead he held the animal and smiled a bit. "I didn't know you were still making things."

Kurt was quiet for a long time, just staring at what was written. Beyond the obvious strangeness of reading something he wrote that he never remembered writing, he could feel every emotion he'd had when writing every word. He couldn't reach out to the Kurt who had written this note, to ask him more about it, but he could access the part of his heart that was still there--that hadn't been affected, regardless of whether he still had memories.

After a while he lowered the note and stared at the carpet, taking a deep breath. He turned at last to look at Blaine.

"I forgave you," he said at last. "You told me that we fought and that we broke up, but you didn't tell me that I forgave you. Even in that message you showed me... I must have wrote this after."

Edited 2012-04-03 09:00 (UTC)

Blaine looked at Kurt for a moment before answering. "You probably shouldn't have," he said finally.

He didn't ask what was on the note. He wasn't sure if he should know. It might be something that Kurt had wanted him to see at a certain point, or not at all. Instead he sat on the edge of the bed and put the floppy kitten on his leg.

"Do you think, if Rachel wasn't with Finn, if you found out the guy she was with was doing drugs and hurt her, that you would ever want her to see that guy again?"

Edited 2012-04-03 22:21 (UTC)

For a long time Kurt's eyes stayed focused on the note, unable to tear them away. He fought the overwhelming desire to just read it out loud to Blaine right then and there, but then--Kurt had hidden this box for a reason. He'd sealed it up and stored it away. Why had he done that?

Could it be that he'd believed Blaine was never coming home?

Tearing his eyes away at last, Kurt folded the letter and slipped it back into the box. His stomach twisted when his fingertips brushed the final item inside of it--a box, soft to the touch, and just the right size to contain...

"That's sort of an unfair question," said Kurt, his heart thumping as he looked at Blaine, his mind clearly preoccupied. "Rachel wouldn't want to be with anyone but Finn. And regardless of who would hypothetically do that to her--they wouldn't be you."

Blaine put the kitten aside and sighed softly. "That's what kind of gets to me," he said after a moment. "Everyone keeps acting like this is okay because it's me. There's nothing that special about me. I'm just a guy. A stupid guy."

He managed to look over at Kurt. "I told you before that I didn't want to screw this up. That seems to be all I can do here..."

He stopped himself before adding that he missed Kurt. He missed his best friend.

Kurt shook his head firmly. "I don't care what anyone else says," he replied. "And you are stupid. You're monumentally stupid, but I still love you with all my heart."

He shifted a little closer, reaching up to take Blaine's hand. "Why is it so hard for you to believe that I'd forgive you?"

"I do believe it," Blaine said after a moment. He takes Kurt's hand. "That's so like you. You'll forgive almost anything, because you care about people. You want them to be happy."

After a moment Blaine pulled Kurt a little closer. He put his free hand on Kurt's hip and looked up at him from where he was sitting on the bed. "I love that about you."

"I love you," said Kurt softly. "And I'm...pretty sure the old me loved you too. Blaine, I..."

He bit his lip, reaching up to put his hands on Blaine's shoulders. "What if I'm like this forever? What if I never get my memories back?"

"Then you'll have to focus on making new ones," Blaine answered after a while. "Maybe things will be better the second time around."

"Not without you," said Kurt immediately, touching the side of Blaine's face.

"Kurt..." Blaine said after a moment, but he didn't know how to continue. Instead he just looked up at Kurt. He a slightly pained expression on his face.

Pulling back, Kurt moved to sit next to Blaine on the bed. He'd thought that going through the closet would help him pick up some pieces, make things clearer, but now he felt even more confused.

"Blaine," he said softly, staring at his hands, which were twisting around one another as they often did when he was nervous. "What am I supposed to do? Just...sit around and wait to remember something? I want to try, but--then you tell me you don't want me to remember everything, so... What are we doing? Am I just supposed to wait until the off-chance that I might get my memories back, and--shove away how much I want to be with you?"

"I don't know," Blaine admitted after a moment. "I don't know what we're doing and I don't know what to tell you about what we should do later." Blaine looked away and down at the carpet for a moment.

"I want to be with you too," he admitted after a moment. "I just don't trust myself not to hurt you again."

"Do you want to hurt me?" Kurt asked, genuinely confused.

"No, never," Blaine said right away. "It seems like all I can do here, though. It wasn't just the drugs. There was stuff before that too. Horrible things. I never want to risk doing those things to you again."

Blaine had mentioned this before, but had refused to expound upon it. Kurt wanted to respect that, but he couldn't stop the horrible curiosity and mingled dread that he felt.

"What do you talking about?" he asked, unable to help himself.

For a moment Blaine thinks he might be able to tell Kurt everything. However, when he tries to think of words to describe what had happened with the cherry trees he shook his head.

"I'm sorry," he said instead. "Look, let's just... Let's just be okay. I don't want to drag you down over something you can't even remember." After a moment. "Do you think it would be okay if I slept here?"

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