sirenspull_logs | If I could only see...

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If I could only see...

Who: Eric Slingby & Alan Humphries
When: Backdated to April 30th, early morning
Where: Their apartment
Summary: Alan's finally mustered his courage up to talk to Eric about his chat with Didi a couple weeks back.
Warnings: None at present but that may change; To be determined.

It's been bugging him for weeks now but until a couple days ago it was easy to push aside. But he couldn't do that anymore, that was the grand epiphany he'd had while making tea; that he'd need to get it out of the way and come to understand that whole mess. He'd found Did absolutely endearing and delightful so he couldn't possibly see why Eric held such disdain for her.

So after fixing Eric's coffee he takes up his tea and moves back to the bed room, a contemplative expression on his face as he holds the mug close to his chest. It's really a now of never kind of thing so he'll move out of the door frame. "Eric, come on get up. I want to talk to you about something and there's hot coffee waiting on the table."

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He follows that tug and sets his cup down so as not to spill it on Eric. "Something like that." His face flushes slightly with color. He's certainly not going to live that down anytime soon is he? "Fine but you'll have to let me go back into the kitchen for it."

All right, fine. And thank you. [Eric goes ahead and lets him go.]

Then you can talk to me about whatever is on your mind. Are you feeling all right?

[And this was their mornings - although more often then not he did let Eric sleep in a bit and normally woke him up later; still he wasn't a morning person.] You know I'll always make you coffee when I'm up first.

[A pause and slight laugh.] But you're more than welcome. I'm perfectly fine. You can fuss at me about being sick on the mornings you actually beat me out of bed. [Then back to the kitchen for the coffee and soft mutterings to himself because he's not sure how to approach this and is still trying to figure it out even now.

When he comes back he's peering down into the hot mug thoughtfully, clasping it tightly with both hands. There's a moment there of absolute uncertainty but he'll push it aside taking a seat on the edge of the bed offering the mug with a smile.]

I know. You always take care of me.

[Eric smiles as he takes the cup, and he takes the opportunity to stroke over Alan's hand. He returns the smile, and takes a sip of the coffee.]

What do you want to talk about?

That's what I do.

[He smiles at the touch, it's nice and soothing; this open show of affection. He shifts on the bed tucking one leg under himself, while drawing the knee of the other to his chest. He leans on it leaving his own tea untouched for now.]

Didi. I wanted to talk about her. She doesn't seem so bad and when I talked to her I-- couldn't see why you dislike her. Eric, I know it's hard knowing what will come but don't mourn me and grieve for me while I'm still here alive and with you.

[A shaking hand reaches out to rest on Eric's arm, eyes searching his face. Sugarcoating it will do nothing for them, lying would be disrespectful to both of them.]

I know you're angry and you're hurt. You might feel like I should be the exception to death and the rules of nature because I'm special or different but... please don't be angry with Didi. We know better than anyone that death spares no one and pays no heed to those it leaves behind.

[He hated that fact. He really did. Always his heart ached for those left behind, those broken hearts and homes. He cried for those people and the though of Eric in such a state was absolutely tearing him apart inside.]

[Eric tenses and his eyes go dark. He stares into the coffee, silent while Alan speaks. A minute ago, with Alan healthy and smiling, waking up in bed and seeing him bring him coffee... he would have said that if there was a heaven, that was it. Now, reality hits him again.

He swallows the knot in his throat.]

Alan... please... You know we can spare people if they will do some good in the world. And I found it impossible that death herself couldn't grant to us what we grant to humans.

And she presents herself not only as a friend, but a mother finger. I'm sure you felt it... I felt it too... very strongly... that if we shinigami had a mother, it was her.

That's why I despise her. If we have a mother, it's her, and she comes to use as a friend and a mother.

But, when asked to remove the thorns, she turned away from you. She acts like your mother but is happy to stand by while you die.

She is our mother, the only one we might ever be able to claim in our lives but even a mother is helpless in the face of death. That doesn't mean she loves us any less or that she doesn't care when I die.

[He shifts crawling closer, reaching to touch his cheek. He is sorry for ruining this peace, this happiness and wonderful reprieve from the cruel truth but if he were to die he wouldn't want Eric to lash out; instead his wish would be that Eric find comfort with one of the only people who could understand the true depth of loss.]

She can't do that, Eric. Even those we extend that oh so rare longer life must meet an end. We are no different. This is my fate. It's my destiny, I've accepted that. Even if it's looming and always there it won't stop me from trying to stay with you as long as I can and fighting it as hard as I can.

[There are tears in his eyes and heaven help him he'd beg and plead with anyone to make it different but he knows better. He tried that - he's tried everything he knows of; begging, pleading, praying all for nothing. His throat works and he moves until he can tuck himself against Eric's chest.]

William, Grell and Didi will be there for you in the end. I want you to have the support you need, don't just write her off. Please, Eric. I need to know you'll be in good hands and well cared for.

Alan, I told her this but I didn't think I've have to tell you. We all die. We're not immortal and I except we'll all meet our end one way or another. I don't ask for you to live forever.

All I asked was for the thorns to be removed. So you could have your life like the rest of the shinigami. Nothing more. And she turned her back on you.

I know that but- She didn't put them on me. This isn't within her realm of control I'm not sure the real cause and with only a shoddy legend to go on I can't say why. But she didn't do this to me and she didn't forsake me.

There isn't any reason why I can't live a life as I am now. Humans have perfectly fine lives in their limited time, why can't I?

Yes, the thorns will kill me and they make certain things difficult but don't treat me like I'm already dead. There's so much I can still do, want to do. Let me do it with you at your side.

[Eric feels like his heart will break. He twines his fingers in Alan's and brings Alan's hand to his lips, kissing the back of it.]

We don't know how long you have... but humans don't know how long they have either. I want your life to be the best it can. I don't want to hurt you or to cause you grief.

But, I don't believe we have powers that she doesn't. She acts like a mother while talking about how she needs to follow the 'rules.' It's perverse.

So spend it with me. However long I'm allowed I want you there and I don't want you to hurt.

[His throat works and it's painful, like he's swallowing down something that's clawing at his throat.]

Like this, just like this. No fear, no regrets.

[He smiles sadly.] And I comfort the dying knowing I have to take them away from family and lovers. I act as a friend, a welcoming, caring, merciful being but I snatch them away from all they hold dear - isn't that perverse?

Even humans who grow to be quite old live such a short time compared to us. They're fragile, and their lives are short. That's what they are.

So, of course it's not perverse.

[He chuckles darkly.]

You're also not their mother.

[then, the first half of Alan's words dawn on him.]

Truly?

Well no but I'd never be a mother being a man.

[He can't help but be amused by this though after all it was funny.]

Absolutely. Would I lie about something like this? I'll always want you at my side.

Alan, that's not what I mean. I've never spared anyone... in my eighty years I never have. William is is too officiating and Grell's just plain mad.

If anyone was going to be the one to finally spare someone who would help the world, it would be you.

And she refuses to grant to you what you could and would grant to them.

[He takes a long, slow breath.]

Then I'll be here. Until your last breath I'll be right beside you. I promise.

Well neither have I.

[He sighs softly interlocking their fingers.]

I didn't ask her for it. I wouldn't ask her for it. I know that no matter what amount of time I have it will never be enough and I'll always - forever be wanting more.

[He leans in raining light little kisses on his cheeks and forehead.] Thank you that means the world to me.

[Eric leans into the kiss, letting his forehead rest against Alan's cheek. He takes a slow, deep breath.

'YOU mean the world to me, Alan."

But he doesn't find the voice to say it.

After a moment, he lifts up his head, looks Alan in the eye, and forces a wry smile.]

Your tea is cold.

[He's content like this holding Eric close, pressing close. When Eric lifts his head he draws back looking up at him silent for a moment.

And then the laughter bubbles up, slipping out merry and joyous.]

So it is. I'll just warm it in a bit.

[The laughter goes straight to Eric's soul. He smiles genuinely now. He strokes over Alan's cheek and kisses the tip of his nose.]

[It seemed so random and mundane after what they'd just talked about. He was glad they could share these kinds of things, these little moments. He wrapped his arms around Eric's neck sliding easily into his lap, smiling happily.]

You're really something.

That's good to know. I'd hate to be nothing.

[He cradles Alan on his lap, nuzzling his hair with his nose.]

Now that's impossible.

[He sighs nuzzling at his neck and shoulder.]

No matter what anyone says you'll always be something special to me.

[At these words, Eric falls silent again. The memories of his sins make him close his eyes, just breathing Alan in for a moment.]

No matter what?

No matter what. It doesn't matter what anyone says you'll always be someone precious and wonderful.

[He frowns a little worried. He gives him a reassuring squeeze.]

My mentor, my friend, my partner--

[He hesitates as shyness flares in his chest, then he's speaking softly in the quietest voice yet.]

There's so much more you are to me.

I don't deserve it.

[He presses Alan closer and kisses him on the lips.]

But I like hearing it.

You can't do that. You can't tell me who deserves my affection.

[He frowned and framed his face with his hands, kissing him back gently.]

I'll say it as many times as I need to, til you believe it.

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