sirenspull_logs | Stranger, baby, always keep me

Entry tags:

Stranger, baby, always keep me

Who: Kurt and Blaine
When: Late tonight.
Where: Kurt and Rachel's apartment.
Summary: Kurt's slowly picking up the pieces of what he's forgotten, and in the process he realizes that he doesn't really want to.
Warnings: Talking about touchy subjects, confronting them and healing. Maybe more, we'll see.

"...if you go into your NV history, you can find posts you yourself made."

It seemed easy enough. Rachel, Blaine and Finn had done their best to fill Kurt in about everything they could, but it was all so...surface-level. It was like being told the plot of a movie or a television series. None of it stuck to heart, none of it seemed real. He was still partially convinced that he was in the midst of a particularly lengthy dream, because that was what it felt like. Nothing was sinking in at all.

It was late Sunday night, and Kurt was itching to cook something. To his pleasant surprise, all of the cupboards were fully stocked with everything he liked, everything he needed to cook dinner for at least a week. Well I always make sure I'm prepared, he thought, and wanted to scream with the insanity of it all.

You've lived here. You work as a mechanic. You gave up school. He'd almost laughed out loud, convinced they they'd been joking, because that didn't sound like him at all. Why wasn't he attending a prestigious theatrical arts school, working his way into stardom-- Why the hell was he fixing cars?

He didn't have enough fingers to count how many times he'd burst into tears over the weekend. Everything just seemed so wrong, after all. It was as though he were stepping into the life of someone he didn't know, not himself--but as of earlier that day, things had started to look up.

His calendar had a date marked Audition, after all.

One by one little things stood out to him, mementos of his past here, and things finally started to click into place. He'd found a silver ring with the word 'Courage' engraved on it, and he'd slipped it on immediately, wondering why he hadn't been wearing it before. I lose rings, he reminded himself, and he'd smiled as he examined it fondly. In his bedroom he'd also found a curious little stuffed animal, handmade and rather hideous, as well as an oversized leather jacket. It was too big to be his or Blaine's, so he assumed it was Finn's and hung it up to give to him later. That didn't really explain the plush, though, or the posters he'd found around the apartment all colorfully designed and splashed with the words Vote power, class and dignity! Baron Franz d'Epinay for Newcomer Liaison!

It was time to do it, he decided. It was time to start filling in the gaps. He sat on the couch and took out his NV, and began to search. Hours and hours passed as he scrolled through and played back countless conversations, some good and bad-- It was bizarre and otherworldly, really, to have his life played back to him, and it began to make him feel sort of sick--especially when he read conversations between him and someone named Yaha, or past conversations between him and Blaine that didn't seem right at all. Some of them were good, though. Ahiru really was a good friend and a sweet girl, and he made a mental note to call her later. And Finn had been right--Santana had been here, and she was every bit the firecracker that she always had been.

The smile faded from his face, though, when he started reading recent conversations he'd had with Blaine. Why were they texting one another instead of calling? Why had Kurt sounded so cold and angry--and why was Blaine acting so guilty? He kept on going, his stomach tightening, and it all sort of blurred together after a while-- Fight, he'd read. Hurt. Drugs--

Suddenly, he couldn't read or listen anymore. He shut off his NV and slammed it on the couch next to him, staring at the wall for a second before picking it up and turning it on again. He called Blaine immediately, hoping it was late enough that the other boy wasn't working anymore.

"Blaine? It's Kurt-- Could you come over, please? Right now. Please be careful. Thanks."

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"I guess you're right," said Kurt, brushing away a lingering tear. He stared down at his hands again, fidgeting. "Since you say I'm with someone else and all. Which I... I don't understand. I don't want anyone but you."

This was all so crippling in its strangeness. Was he supposed to go to this guy and pretend to love him? How could he, when all he wanted was Blaine?

"Well, you don't know Kanji. He's really sweet and he cares a lot about you. From what I can tell, you care a lot about him too." Blaine had really tried not to think too much about that. He wasn't sure how much Kurt had felt for Kanji while they had still been together. He had always assumed Kurt was just happy to have his friend back, but now he couldn't help but wonder if there was more. He also managed to sound very sincere in his compliments of Kanji. Despite his relationship with Kurt, Blaine had never had any reason to think that Kanji wasn't a good person.

"You grew close to him before I arrived, I think. And he's so strong. He's much better at protecting you from the Darkness. Have you come across him in your NV yet? He has white hair and wears a lot of leather." He doesn't want to look for Kurt. He doesn't want to come across any private conversations that Kanji and Kurt might have.

"You know, I'm actually a little surprised he hasn't been in touch with you yet. You made that post on the network..."

"Leather... Oh! That jacket--" He stood and walked over to the closet and pulled out the leather jacket he'd found earlier. "I thought it must have been Finn's, but it's not really his style..."

He examined it for a moment, as if doing so might clue him in, wake up some memory somehow, but there was nothing. So he wandered back, taking his NV in hand again.

"I..." He stared at it. "I don't know if I can do this. What if he gets mad at me for forgetting him? And-- Blaine, I can't be with someone I don't know."

"Kanji will not get mad at you," Blaine said without a single doubt in his voice. What he does know about Kanji tells him that he'll never actually be mad over Kurt over anything.

Blaine managed to completely swallow all of the pain that the thought that another boys clothes were in Kurt's bedroom to focus on comforting Kurt the best that he can. "He knows how crazy this place is. He won't blame you if you need a break while your memory comes back." After a moment, Blaine added, "If anything the only one in this situation people will be mad at is me. I shouldn't be taking advantage of your memory loss to spend time with you again."

The last part is said a little offhandedly, there's a note of something bordering humor in his voice but even despite all of that, he can't help but think of the last time the Core had affected Kurt's mind. The way that he had taken advantage of that situation too. What it had felt like to wake up and find out it had all been a lie.

"You're not," said Kurt immediately. "Taking advantage of me. You're not." He reached over to take Blaine's hand. "Honestly, you're helping me so much right now, Blaine. Without you here I'd be..."

A lump appeared in his throat and he swallowed it down. He stared back down at his NV. "How about I leave a text message or something? Tell him I can't-- That I need some time and space. Would that be okay? And can you stay here with my while I do it?"

Edited 2012-04-02 23:46 (UTC)

Blaine tucked his lips together again as he thought about it. "It might be a good idea to check on him. If he didn't reach out to you, there might be a reason why." Suddenly he was worried that by contacting Blaine first he stepped on Kanji's toes or that something had happened to Kanji again.

It wouldn't be the first time he was sent back home. Either way, Blaine can wait until after Kurt reached out to Kanji to figure out what they would do from there.

He couldn't shake the feeling that somehow he was being the bad guy here by staying, but he didn't want to say no to Kurt. He never wanted to say no to Kurt, and it was worse because this was basically the Kurt from home. The one he dreamed about.

"And, okay, I'll stay, but we shouldn't kiss anymore. I don't want you to get your memories back and regret kissing me."

Kurt didn't reply to that. He let go of Blaine's hand only to type out a text, and he kept deleting it over and over before he finally settled on the right words. He took a deep breath and pressed send, reaching out to grip Blaine's hand again as if ready to take the plunge from somewhere steep.

The text didn't go through. He frowned and tried again to no avail. "It's not sending," he said, frustrated.

Blaine's frown came back, deeper than ever. This was what he was afraid of. "Can you try calling him?"

With a concerned glance at Blaine, Kurt tried.

Nothing.

"What does that mean?" said Kurt, his brows furrowed, confused.

Blaine touched Kurt's arm lightly. "It might mean he's gone back home."

"Oh," was all Kurt could say. It was about five to six brands of fucked up, the way he knew he should have been grieving and yet couldn't. He stared at the NV as if it were the cause of all this, then slowly lowered it.

"Okay."

Edited 2012-04-03 03:49 (UTC)

Blaine opened his arm after a moment. Cuddling should be okay, couldn't it? And when Kurt remembered he wanted to have handled this situation gracefully. "When you remember, I don't want you to think you can't talk to me about this..."

"Can we just...stop talking about all this?" said Kurt suddenly. "Please? I don't want to try and remember anymore. My head is killing me, and I'm tired of crying all the time, and--"

He bit his lip, turning toward Blaine, hoping he wasn't about to make things worse. "Could we just pretend we're back home for a while? Please?"

Blaine nodded after a moment. "Yeah. We can put a movie on or something? Or are you tired?"

"Oooh, let's watch a movie," he agreed, slipping off the couch and out of Blaine's arms for a second to select one. He settled on Brides Maids, since he hadn't seen it yet and desperately needed something funny.

It was so easy how things changed. He cuddled up to Blaine's side, and before they knew it they were cracking up together, engaged in the movie and each other's company, completely blind to everything else.

Blaine let himself relax because he thought that was what Kurt needed.

There was also that part of him that had wanted moments like this again. It felt too good to question and it wasn't as if he was really breaking any rules... was he?

It was just a movie, he told himself. It was fun was it was nice to see Kurt enjoy himself.

Unconsciously Kurt reached to tug Blaine's arms around him, leaning back against the other boy's chest. The movie was good, but after a while he just found himself paying less attention to it and more attention to Blaine.

"You smell different," he murmured, his voice barely audible over the sound of the film. "You didn't start smoking, did you?"

"No," Blaine said after a moment. "I wouldn't do that to my throat," he pointed out. But then, he didn't think he'd do all of that stuff to his body either.

"I work at a night club," he pointed out after a moment. "You might be smelling that?"

"Makes sense," said Kurt, snuggling closer. He was quiet for a while, just watching, then asked "What am I auditioning for?"

"There's a theater in town," Blaine said after a moment. He frowned a bit. "I didn't actually know you were planning on going back." He shifted a bit and touched the side of Kurt's face. "What did you find?"

"I just saw on my calendar," said Kurt, looking up at Blaine from where he was lying in his arms. "It said audition."

The movie was ending, and he felt a lot better. He chewed on his lip a little, thinking, then added, "I haven't looked through my closet yet, other than to take out clothes. Do you want to join me?"

A pause. "I don't think I can do it alone," he admitted with a sad smile.

Blaine raised his brow. "There might be things in there you don't want me to see," he said after a moment. It really hurt to admit that to this Kurt, to just say so plainly that they had things they hid from each other now.

"Please?" Kurt asked, tilting his head imploringly. "I need your help through this, Blaine, I... I really can't do this with anyone but you. I don't feel comfortable, and I can't do it alone."

He pressed his cheek against Blaine's chest. "Please."

Blaine's hand moved to pet Kurt's back. "Okay. I'll help," he agreed after a moment. "I can at least help explain things."

Kurt's face lit up. "Thank you," he said gratefully, and moved reluctantly out of Blaine's arms. He ignored the DVD as the credits rolled, hurrying to his bedroom to throw open the closet doors.

Honestly, there wasn't much-- Just boxes of things, mostly, and Kurt knelt to start going through them. One box seemed to contain books and magazines, and was slowly growing. Another seemed to be art supplies, and a container of fabric and yarn...

It was all relatively normal, until he found a small box and opened it--only to slam it closed again, turning bright pink.

"Okay!" he said shrilly. "I-- Okay! Moving on..."

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