sirenspull_logs | Stranger, baby, always keep me

Entry tags:

Stranger, baby, always keep me

Who: Kurt and Blaine
When: Late tonight.
Where: Kurt and Rachel's apartment.
Summary: Kurt's slowly picking up the pieces of what he's forgotten, and in the process he realizes that he doesn't really want to.
Warnings: Talking about touchy subjects, confronting them and healing. Maybe more, we'll see.

"...if you go into your NV history, you can find posts you yourself made."

It seemed easy enough. Rachel, Blaine and Finn had done their best to fill Kurt in about everything they could, but it was all so...surface-level. It was like being told the plot of a movie or a television series. None of it stuck to heart, none of it seemed real. He was still partially convinced that he was in the midst of a particularly lengthy dream, because that was what it felt like. Nothing was sinking in at all.

It was late Sunday night, and Kurt was itching to cook something. To his pleasant surprise, all of the cupboards were fully stocked with everything he liked, everything he needed to cook dinner for at least a week. Well I always make sure I'm prepared, he thought, and wanted to scream with the insanity of it all.

You've lived here. You work as a mechanic. You gave up school. He'd almost laughed out loud, convinced they they'd been joking, because that didn't sound like him at all. Why wasn't he attending a prestigious theatrical arts school, working his way into stardom-- Why the hell was he fixing cars?

He didn't have enough fingers to count how many times he'd burst into tears over the weekend. Everything just seemed so wrong, after all. It was as though he were stepping into the life of someone he didn't know, not himself--but as of earlier that day, things had started to look up.

His calendar had a date marked Audition, after all.

One by one little things stood out to him, mementos of his past here, and things finally started to click into place. He'd found a silver ring with the word 'Courage' engraved on it, and he'd slipped it on immediately, wondering why he hadn't been wearing it before. I lose rings, he reminded himself, and he'd smiled as he examined it fondly. In his bedroom he'd also found a curious little stuffed animal, handmade and rather hideous, as well as an oversized leather jacket. It was too big to be his or Blaine's, so he assumed it was Finn's and hung it up to give to him later. That didn't really explain the plush, though, or the posters he'd found around the apartment all colorfully designed and splashed with the words Vote power, class and dignity! Baron Franz d'Epinay for Newcomer Liaison!

It was time to do it, he decided. It was time to start filling in the gaps. He sat on the couch and took out his NV, and began to search. Hours and hours passed as he scrolled through and played back countless conversations, some good and bad-- It was bizarre and otherworldly, really, to have his life played back to him, and it began to make him feel sort of sick--especially when he read conversations between him and someone named Yaha, or past conversations between him and Blaine that didn't seem right at all. Some of them were good, though. Ahiru really was a good friend and a sweet girl, and he made a mental note to call her later. And Finn had been right--Santana had been here, and she was every bit the firecracker that she always had been.

The smile faded from his face, though, when he started reading recent conversations he'd had with Blaine. Why were they texting one another instead of calling? Why had Kurt sounded so cold and angry--and why was Blaine acting so guilty? He kept on going, his stomach tightening, and it all sort of blurred together after a while-- Fight, he'd read. Hurt. Drugs--

Suddenly, he couldn't read or listen anymore. He shut off his NV and slammed it on the couch next to him, staring at the wall for a second before picking it up and turning it on again. He called Blaine immediately, hoping it was late enough that the other boy wasn't working anymore.

"Blaine? It's Kurt-- Could you come over, please? Right now. Please be careful. Thanks."

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Blaine was even more worried now. Kurt had already been affected by the Core. Maybe there was a step two of the affect? Maybe he was hurt or in pain or something worse?

Maybe he had finally looked through the past messages or had gotten his memories back. Blaine knew that he should have told Kurt everything up front, but it was so hard to get the words out. More than that, there was a part of him that really did think it was better if Kurt could keep off remembering as long as possible.

It was better to forget all of this, wasn't it? Maybe not, if it also meant forgetting people like Ahiru and Franz.

Finally he was at Kurt's apartment. He almost moved to open the door before he remembered he didn't have the right to do that. Instead he forced himself to take a breath and knock.

He still had on the makeup from his performance but at least he had changed back into his street clothes.

The fact that Blaine knocked made Kurt's stomach turn even more, and he hurried to open up the door. Once he did--once he saw Blaine, his Blaine, looking a little tired and a little messy and just little--he couldn't resist looping his arms around him.

"Hi," he said when he pulled back from the hug. "Want to-- Can we sit down?"

Blaine smiled at the feel of Kurt's arms around him. He missed this. He missed coming home from work and having Kurt there to hug him. One of his hands moved around Kurt's body.

"Okay," Blaine said and then chuckled softly, a little embarrassed as he remembered that he had eyeliner and lipstick on. "Actually can I use the bathroom to wash my face? If you could get something to drink I'll meet you at the couch."

"You look cute," teased Kurt, though his smile was sort of forced. "But go ahead. I'll make coffee."

He set about to do so, and was ready at the couch with two steaming cups by the time Blaine joined him. For a moment he thought about forgetting the whole thing, of just pretending he hadn't seen a single thing on the NV and spending the night cuddling with Blaine instead.

Then he felt the ring around his finger and thought Courage. Courage meant never running away, even when you wanted to.

So badly.

Blaine came back after his face was clear of the make up. He had noticed how forced and strained Kurt looked. Something was wrong.

When he came back he moved to sit with Kurt, happy for the coffee that was waiting for him.

"You found the ring," he said without thinking, looking at the ring that he had given Kurt for Christmas. He was actually surprised that Kurt hadn't thrown it away.

"Yeah," said Kurt with a soft laugh, looking down at it. "It's beautiful. I wish I remembered getting it. I'm sorry."

There was a lump in his throat, and he felt his eyes begin to prickle. "Um... Blaine? You..." He swallowed, taking his time, thinking carefully. "You really haven't told me everything that's happened here, have you?"

Blaine was about to tell Kurt about Christmas, bout how he had given him the ring and the night they had shared. The question choked him though.

"No," he said after a moment. "I haven't." He looked down at his coffee, frowning a bit. "I'm sorry. It's really hard for me to say." He was quiet then and after a moment he looked over at Kurt.

"What did you find?"

"Well...arguing," said Kurt, though his heart sank even more at Blaine's confirmation. "Arguing and avoiding one another and... I guess I just turned it off after a while. I didn't want to look at any more."

He pressed his lips together, staring at the ring. There was a long silence, and then he exhaled slowly. "Blaine, I... I don't remember anything like that. All I have are my memories from home. So the things I'd seen... They don't feel as though they've happened to me at all. So I'm confused. Am I supposed to be mad at you right now?"

"No. We've been talking again," he said carefully. "When Santana disappeared we went to the memorial..." He started by he trailed off as a thought crossed his mind. "Here, I'll play the last conversation we had on the NV, okay? You left a message on my voice mail." He got out his own device and found the voice mail easily.

If Kurt looked over at Blaine's NV before he pulled the audio file up (which was saved directly on his device for each playback) he'd see the picture he sent Blaine shortly after the big fight.

He doesn't really think about the fact that the message mentions Kanji. He just wants Kurt to hear that things were getting better between them.

Kurt sat back and listened as the message played, and it was so surreal-- That it was his voice he was hearing, saying things he didn't remember saying. As he listened he began to get more and more distressed, and about halfway through the conversation he reached over to put his hand over the one Blaine was using to hold the NV.

"Turn it off," he said throatily. "Please."

Blaine automatically turned it off. "I'm sorry," he muttered. "I wasn't thinking."

He felt like he was messing up again. Like he wasn't doing the right thing. He was screwing this up. He only ever seemed to manage to upset Kurt now.

"This is so-- This is absolutely ridiculous!" Kurt said softly, scrubbing his eyes with his sleeve. He felt worn, overwhelmed, exhausted without really being tired... This was all too much.

"So I-- I wander into this place and people tell me I've been here for a year already, and I only start accepting that and then-- You're telling me we broke up? Why? Blaine, I'd never break up with you. I promised. And I don't remember any of that."

He sniffed, tangling his fingers in his lap. "All I remember is--is the most amazing night of my life."

"I know," Blaine said after a moment. He shifted a little closer. "That was the most amazing night of my life too." Except for maybe Christmas here, but bringing that up when Kurt couldn't even remember seemed so out of place.

"I'm so sorry. I'm the reason this happened to us. I really, really messed up and I-I hurt you." He reached for Kurt's hand, wanting to turn over his palm to see if there was any sign of the cut from the broken glass.

Unsure what Blaine was looking for, Kurt turned his hand nonetheless. Tiny white scars were all over the palm, and he hadn't even noticed them before. He whimpered softly.

"But you couldn't have," he said, shaking his head, utterly disbelieving. "It must have been an accident. It had to have been, Blaine, you always blame yourself for things you don't do."

The knot in his chest loosened. Of course that's what happened. Blaine would never, ever hurt him. He knew that with everything in him, everything he was made of.

Blaine was a little stunned to see them too, but only because he had run from the wounds instead of dealing with them. Seeing them there just made him realize again how horrible what he had done had been. There were also more proof that this wasn't some new, different version of Kurt. Someone or something had taken his memories away.

"I started taking drugs," he admitted after a moment of staring at the scars. He looked up at Kurt. "I was just so tired all of the time and I wanted something to make me feel less miserable. Things have been so screwed up here. I kept messing up everything. I thought they would help, but in the end I was yelling at you over every little thing and mistreating you. When you found my stash you tried to get rid of them and I tired to stop you." His voice managed not to crack, even as his emotions threatened to suffocate him.

"You wouldn't let me though. You kept coming for them. I kept pushing you away and you fell onto glass." He felt tears of shame clouding his vision but he refused to let them escape. "I'm so sorry, Kurt. I... I'm just so sorry. I was so horrible to you and you didn't deserve any of it. You were just trying to get me to stop."

It was like sinking. Kurt felt something rise up and close over his head and he just stared, tears silently rolling down his cheeks.

Strangely, all he could think about during Blaine's confession was their talk at the Lima Bean on Valentine's Day one year ago. Blaine had said "I don't know what I'm doing. I pretend like I do, and I know how to act it out in song... I'm not very good at romance." What had he done after that, though? He'd sang to Kurt in front of everyone. He'd danced with him at Prom even though he was terrified. He'd transferred from Dalton just to be with him. He'd almost given up the lead role in West Side story for him.

So Kurt had given him everything in return.

He looked into Blaine's eyes, so big and broken, and his heart shattered. Compared to the Blaine Kurt had seen at home just days ago (in his mind at least, before his memories had gone away), this Blaine looked so...lost. His eyes looked darker, his skin paler, and voice had so much pain in it. Kurt almost couldn't bear to look at him, and to hear the story he told, the way Blaine sounded --like he wanted nothing more than to beat himself down for what he'd done, that he already had--

Reaching forward, Kurt placed one hand on Blaine's cheek and drew him into a kiss.

Of all the ways that Kurt could had responded, a kiss was the last one that Blaine expected.

He made a soft, surprised sound but returned the kiss almost instantly. Kurt's mouth was so familiar and so comforting. He never wanted to stop kissing the other boy. An arm went around Kurt's body. He needed that anchor to proof that this was real.

He had dreamed about kissing Kurt again too many times to believe this.

As they kissed Kurt tugged at his brain, tried to find those emotions of anger and hurt that had to have lingered there-- He'd sounded better in that voice message, like he'd moved on, like he could ever move on from Blaine, like he could ever be with someone else-- He kept searching his heart, his mind suspended as he looked for any sign, any symptom of heartbreak.

God, there was nothing. Nothing was there except love, the feeling of looking up at this boy's face and being pressed so close, their noses touching as Blaine held his wrist gently get possessively, the feeling of being peaceful and content and together.

Kurt's hand lowered to press flat against Blaine's chest. God, he felt so thin. The tears didn't stop rolling, and when he pulled away he just stared at Blaine, his eyes pleading.

"Why, Blaine?" he whispered. "Why drugs? Why would you do that to yourself, honey?" He brushed his hand through Blaine's unkempt hair, his heart exposed and vulnerable and desperately searching for an answer.

Edited 2012-04-02 05:55 (UTC)

Blaine reached up and moved to wipe away from of Kurt's tears. "I don't even know anymore," he admitted quietly. "It was the stupidest thing I've ever done. Any reasoning I had just ends up sounding so dumb."

He sighed a bit, realizing the tension in his stomach. He still couldn't completely relax because he knew he couldn't let his guard down completely. He couldn't risk doing anything that would make Kurt hate him once this effect wore off. The last thing he wanted was to wake up and find Kurt violated and upset again. He felt on to some of his caution because of that, but he also couldn't help but let himself respond to the comfort of being next to Kurt again.

"There is a lot that has happened to us since we arrived... I didn't know how to handle it. I'm not as brave as you are."

"Yes you are," said Kurt, stroking Blaine's cheek. "Please don't say that. To tell me these things instead of hiding them-- That takes courage. I just..." He bit his lip, looking down, trying to find the right words.

"I'm trying to think of what could have happened to you," he said softly. "To make you do something like that. You said all these bad things happened to us... What were you talking about?"

The initial horror he'd felt at the thought of Blaine hurting himself and the surge of desperate love that had overtaken him abated somewhat, and Kurt tried to put the pieces together. Blaine wouldn't turn to drugs on a whim. He wouldn't do something like hurt Kurt, not lightly-- Something had to have happened to make Blaine act that way.

At least, that's what Kurt hoped.

Edited 2012-04-02 08:12 (UTC)

Blaine was quiet now. He felt like such a coward, especially after Kurt had pointed out that telling him had taken courage, but he just couldn't tell Kurt all that had happened to them.

He shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said after a moment. "I can't. Please don't ask me to tell you again. I really don't even know where to begin." After a moment he tucked his lower lip into his mouth, thinking, and then added, "I hope you never remember."

It was kind of a messed up thing to hope for, when someone had so clearly gone into Kurt's mind and messed with it. He should be fighting to find a way to restore Kurt, not thankful that he doesn't have to remember the cherry trees, or Yaha, or dying. Any of it.

In a lot of ways, he wished that he could forget too.

Kurt's shoulders fell, shrinking slightly with disappointment, but it was short-lived. Blaine was just trying to protect him, but he couldn't stop his heart from falling. It had been that bad here?

Unable to find anything to say, he just moved closed to Blaine again, wrapping his arms around him.

"But now you have to suffer alone," he said softly, stroking Blaine's hair, defeated.

Blaine allowed himself a moment of holding Kurt, of being held by him, before he pulled away. "I'm not alone," he explained. "You're here, and Rachel, and we both have a lot of amazing friends here." He paused for a moment and gave Kurt was little smile. It was meant to be reassuring, but it felt a little sad.

"I've missed being able to touch you so much. We should be careful."

"I guess you're right," said Kurt, brushing away a lingering tear. He stared down at his hands again, fidgeting. "Since you say I'm with someone else and all. Which I... I don't understand. I don't want anyone but you."

This was all so crippling in its strangeness. Was he supposed to go to this guy and pretend to love him? How could he, when all he wanted was Blaine?

"Well, you don't know Kanji. He's really sweet and he cares a lot about you. From what I can tell, you care a lot about him too." Blaine had really tried not to think too much about that. He wasn't sure how much Kurt had felt for Kanji while they had still been together. He had always assumed Kurt was just happy to have his friend back, but now he couldn't help but wonder if there was more. He also managed to sound very sincere in his compliments of Kanji. Despite his relationship with Kurt, Blaine had never had any reason to think that Kanji wasn't a good person.

"You grew close to him before I arrived, I think. And he's so strong. He's much better at protecting you from the Darkness. Have you come across him in your NV yet? He has white hair and wears a lot of leather." He doesn't want to look for Kurt. He doesn't want to come across any private conversations that Kanji and Kurt might have.

"You know, I'm actually a little surprised he hasn't been in touch with you yet. You made that post on the network..."

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